I hate myself ! !! !

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I am hopeless. I should just do the world a favour and kill myself. My dad wasted his sperm making me. What use am I to this world? Some stupid, hopeless Aspie. I hate my Asperger's, I hate my brain, I want to be normal. Why is being normal too much to ask? Most people are normal. Me, I had to inherit the faulty gene and get sh***y f*****g autism. What the f**k went wrong when the sperm was meeting the egg? What genes were transferred? What goes an autism gene look like? And how come none of my cousins have the faulty gene? Why just me? I want an answer. Not sympathy, not advice, but ANSWERS. What decides to give a fetus autism? And why?

f**k autism. If I was clever like normal autistics then I'd find a cure, not only a cure but a prevention. Because, I mean, which autistic person is actually happy? So many suffer with depression. There are so many Aspies here who are miserable because they are unable to get a girlfriend. You need a CURE. That's all it'll take. You're not ugly, you're not undesirable, it's your sh***y autism pushing hot girls away. If you looked exactly the same as you are but was NT, you'd all be in relationships now. It's f*****g autism that makes you unintentionally standoffish. And it's not fair. What did we do to suffer such cruel social isolation? It's the same with me, with friends. I have very few friends, and the few friends I do have are either not NTs or are super empathetic NTs who don't get put off by my ''f**k off'' vibes, or are relatives. Otherwise, NTs in general just see me as a boring weirdo wimp. Well, not even weird.

(TL;DR)
I have good social skills for an Aspie, but I'm still just that teeny, tiny bit off-ish, something they can't quite put their finger on. I just don't have that NT charm that NTs have. You can't see the NT charm. Even if you act 100% NT, if you're not 100% NT then you won't have the invisible NT charm that draws people to you and produces a friendship. It is more invisible than air, it is unexplainable, even the best social skills books can't tell you how, even the most extroverted socially skilled NTs can't explain it, it barely exists...yet it does (the social charm I mean). That's how I look at it. And being on the sh***y spectrum (and several other neurodevelopmental disorders too) just makes you lack this social charm no matter how socially skilled you are. You can successfully work on your social skills for a million years and be perfect yet still lack the social charm. The social charm is something you are just born to learn somewhere in childhood (around 4-5 years old). The social charm is like teeth - nobody is born with teeth but they grow as the child grows, and if you're born with some sort of defect that prevents any baby or adult teeth from growing then you'll never have teeth (unless you get false teeth, but they won't be real).

That's how the invisible social charm is explained. There I said it.

I hate myself. I hate myself more than the world hates Putin.

What caused all this????

See Adult Section.

Im sorry this happened. I understand your frustration.

But it probably has nothing to do with autism or with you being “defective.”

It could just be a matter of “not enough time.” I experienced this with my ex-fiancee.

Sometimes, it takes a while for a woman to be “ready.”

It is, because it all boils down to sensory issues. I'm too hypersensitive to certain pain. For normal women it's discomfort or slight pain. For me it's pure torture and feels as painful as a pineapple being shoved violently down your throat or your leg being snapped in half or something.

I’m sorry this is happening to you.

I had to learn to be very gentle with my ex-fiancée.

It used to hurt her, too.

I hope your boyfriend understands your situation. There are many women who have this sort of situation.

He did apologise today. He told me not to listen to him when he's drunk. It's hard not to though. The way I see it, there's two of him; drunk and sober. When he's drunk, sober him is in the closet. When he's sober, drunk him is in the closet.

He's not an alcoholic, he just likes to relax with beer, which I can understand. Most people like to relax with alcohol in the evenings. Except me of course, because I'm uniquely different. I suffer anxiety and depression yet I don't drink to self-soothe. I don't do stereotypical autism stims either, like rocking or hand-flapping.

I guess I'm a bit clever, then.

I've been sharing on these forums for the last ~decade how I've managed to successfully treat my own AS symptoms And how I recognized the signs in a 12 month old infant and managed to bring him back to NT health vs. grow up on the spectrum.

I've yet to further my own self experimentation and attempt what may be a more permanent cure in myself - but - I am aware of some medical studies that were done in children that took kids off the spectrum - and still off the spectrum/subclinical traits 2 years after treatment.


Have you tried anything to treat your own symptoms vs. just get frustrated and say you would do something about it? Little sense in spending your life saying you'd do things if you could vs. trying to do them, IMO.

I've been trying to "fix" myself ever since I was 9 years old but each time I think that something I do is normal I come on to WP and see threads like "is XYZ an autistic thing?" with all the responses being "yeah I do that too", and I'm like damn, I'm so Aspie.

But then when I'm in a group of NTs and they're talking about just stuff, I'm then like wow, I relate to that, maybe I'm not so Aspie after all.

I'm in between autistic and NT (like teenagers are in between child and adult). It's the only thing that fits me personally. But when you come to forums like this people are like "there's no such thing as 'half autistic' or 'mild autistic' or 'high-functioning autistic', you're just autistic, no ifs or buts, you're as autistic as the next autistic person, I know an autistic 5-year-old who is non-verbal but can build amazing models out of Lego and knows the answer to questions like 3.08^2√x÷00.1%of10 and can read 5 adult books in a day, is she high-functioning or low-functioning?" Uh, I don't know, and I care even less to answer such questions. I was brought up with a diagnosis of "mild/high-functioning Asperger's" and I'm not suddenly identifying as "just autistic" just because of the new US DMV-5-whatever it's called.


By the way how can you tell if a 12-month-old baby is on the spectrum?

You are who you are.

I guess I'm "fortunate" that I was "definitely autistic" when I was a young child. No doubt in anybody's mind.

Here's the first of many google results:

https://www.healthline.com/health/autis ... ies#autism

For the little one in question, he.. changed. Significantly. He was no longer interested in things, people or toys. He avoided eye contact. He was anxious/nervous looking. He just wasn't himself At All and I Knew the cause & how to counteract it - so told his parents what to do, they did it, and it was like watching a house plant that had been left to dry out spring back to life once watered! Bit by bit he was back to his normal self.

And speaking of him, he's here in my office right now. 10 years old now, very much NT and a little soccer star in the making. (I work for my best friend, his father.) I've only seen him a handful of times during all this covid nonsense, so it's nice to see him here! Even if his older sister and almost 2yo brother aren't here to visit, too, it's still nice to see at least 1 out of 3 - especially then one that I Know I saved from growing up on the spectrum.

There seems to be a notion that autism could be suspected in a 1-year-old child who has never babbled.

Clearly infant signs of autism have been known, documented, and published for all to read for more than a decade - as I was able to read, learn, and know these things in order to recognize them that long ago.

Speaking isn't a requirement to observe behaviours/social interactions, interests, nervousness/anxiety, facial expressions, eye contact or lack thereof etc.

Further, some on the spectrum remain non-verbal their entire lives. Can't expect babbling to be a diagnostic requirement.

I didn’t say it was a “diagnostic sign.”

Ive seen written reports and YouTube videos about this issue, too.

I’m saying, in some circles, that a lack of babbling by 1 year of age is said to be sort of a “red flag.”

Probably due to my own autism I read your sentence with an entirely different meaning. The inner voice in my head had me emphasizing different syllables/words that gave it an entirely different meaning than you intended. My mistake - oops - sorry for the kinda snarky reply.

I read it as if it was kind of sarcastic and suggesting that if a kid wasn’t yet old enough to be babbling that for some reason ASD isn’t diagnosable yet.. that I was making a notion that it was possible but wasn’t kind of thing.