My mother is starting to go downhill

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I don't really want advice, I just want to vent.

My mother is 85, she lives in a retirement flat in a special retirement building. She chose to move there just before the pandemic so we didn't visit her for at least a year. She used to live 5 minutes walk away but suddenly decided to move to this new home 2 hours drive away. I think she took offence at something I said or did, but she's been doing that for the last 30+ years, I have never been able to do anything right.

I got a phone call just now from a social worker asking for her number to call her as they'd had a report from the manager of the retirement building that my mother's memory was getting too bad.

Her memory has always, always been bad and she also makes things up and pretends not to remember stuff, but I've caught her out numerous times in lying. She's done that for decades. She has also always treated me pretty badly so when she moved away it was a relief more than anything.

We are planning to move closer to her next year, because she now lives in the area I grew up and I want to move back there. However, we don't want to move house until our daughter is 18 and has finished her education. We don't want to disrupt her life...plus she has autism like me so it's better for her to have a stable and consistent lifestyle.

So I feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions- trying to keep my daughter happy and trying to keep my mother happy too. The jam in the sandwich, which always happens to middle aged people, doesn't it!

I'm doing the best I can! I can't take care of my mother at such a long distance away and take care of my daughter at the same time!

I know it’s hard.

I know “no advice”— but I would prioritize your daughter in this instance.

Thanks, hun.

My husband said the same. Our daughter is the priority. What my mother does is up to her. She CHOSE to move far away, not me.

I phoned my mother today and she sounded perfectly normal. I expect the social worker was overreacting.

The only thing that worried me was that my mother was saying 'I miss you so much. I really love hearing from you. I really love you.'

WTAF. She never says things like that!! I think she's regretting moving away so far from me.

As people get closer to the end they sometimes start to see through some of their sh#t. Start to realise where they made mistakes. It may happen in a big way or a little way. I would try to take her word for it while not getting too excited that she has changed. Change is hard work.

haha no don't worry I never believe she has changed. She only loves me when she wants something or feels bored. Last year we (me, my husband and daughter) went to see her after we hadn't seen her for over a year due to the pandemic. She went on and on about how she was looking forward to seeing us...but when she actually met us, she got bored after about 90 minutes and went back home.

She lived 5 mins walk away from us for 14 years, during that time I had a baby (her only grandchild) and I'm her only child. She got so annoyed with us. We were too demanding, we tied her down too much, we weren't exciting enough. So she stormed off when her only grandchild was 13, and moved 2 hours' drive away. Now she doesn't see us every day, she moans that she never sees us. Yet if we live near her, she moans about that too. She is never satisfied and I don't feel much for her now.

self care always first!

Yes, I am only just learning that in my 50s!

When I was young, my mother's needs and wants always came first. I always had to tiptoe round her and hope I wouldn't set her off in a tantrum. Of course whatever I did was wrong so she was always having tantrums and 'getting revenge' on me. However careful and considerate I was, however many allowances I made, she would always blow up about something. Exhausting.

But now I'm learning to a) keep away from her and b) take care of myself first.

Sorry you're still dealing with this, KL.
If it's a cognitive decline and not physical, she's likely got a lot of time left for you to visit.
There's no rush unless the staff tell you so.

My ex-MIL babysat once at 4 months, and said the baby was "a going concern" and "too much work".
We had only gone to a movie.
She said she'd never babysit again.

Did the baby cry? No
Did you have to change a nappy? No
Did the baby sleep? Yes

It makes you wonder how these people ever took care of their own children doesn't it??

My mother went on and on about she wanted a grandchild and how she'd love a grandchild and why wasn't I having one? I wasn't ready for years, but eventually I was.

When I phoned to tell her I was pregnant, she turned it into an argument. She was pretty cruel to me when I was desperately ill during pregnancy, not the proud mother at all. She didn't like the names we'd chosen for our daughter (even though her middle name was my mother's own name) and wanted us to change them. She liked my daughter til she was about 2 or 3, then she lost interest and said she couldn't possibly be tied down to seeing her regularly. She did have her for a playdate once a week after a while though, but complained that she was bored.

My daughter stopped wanting to see her granny when she was about 11 and doesn't really miss her.

My mother is a loon.

Oh man. That’s shameful.
Poor you and your poor daughter.


My ex-MIL ended up moving in with her favourite daughter and son-in-law, and raising their three daughters from infancy. They’re now in their 20s and she’s still there but none of them speak to my daughter at all. Not even birthday cards.

Ironic?

I’ll give my own mother credit that she’s always been devoted to her grandchildren, almost excessively.

People are so weird. I can't understand not being devoted to your own children and grandchildren. What's wrong with these people?

My mother has always been wanting me to do more and more but when I do it, she has moved on e.g. she wanted me to get married and leave home. Eventually I did, but she wasn't happy because then she didn't see much of me. She wanted me to have a grandchild for her. Eventually I did (not for her of course). She wasn't happy because...well actually I don't know why. She wanted me to have a career and earn money. Eventually I did (after bringing up my daughter). She wasn't happy because...? Who knows.

She is never happy about what I do. I don't know why and I don't care anymore. IIIII am happy about what I do.

It's horrible.
I can understand if there's abuse or a big fight, or someone purposely goes no-contact for a good reason.
I don't understand people who have kids but have no interest in them or their grandchildren.

It sounds like your mum has depression and expected to live vicariously through your life.
When it didn't improve her depression, she blamed you.
How very sad.

You have a good attitude moving forward though.

My ex-MIL disowned one of her daughters who had Downs Syndrome, when she was in her 20s.
She got married and they were successful, but they had a financial setback.
My SIL explained the situation and asked if they could move in with MIL briefly (like, two weeks).
MIL said her daughter could come, but not the husband (???)
When the daughter objected, MIL cut ties and never spoke to them again.
It didn't matter that she knew they were in need and could have been homeless.
MIL didn't even tell her when her father died.

I've never thought my mother had depression. Until fairly recently she had a large group of friends, she was popular and got invited everywhere. She was always off doing something with them, holidays, parties, dinners, she was always full of energy. I was always just the dull, boring daughter who tagged along.

She is a steam roller, a very energetic and lively personality. She just rolled onwards and forwards like a tidal wave til I agreed to go along with her schemes just to keep the peace, she rolls all over everyone with her BIGGGGG personality. It's only recently she has slowed down now she's in her 80s.

I could understand if she was depressed because I've had depression for decades, but I suspect my mother is more of a narcissist or bipolar or something.

Your MIL sounds she has a lot of issues, those are strange things to do.

I want the best for my daughter, I hope she does better than me in life. My mother has always been jealous because she seems to think I'm outdoing her. She doesn't know of my endless health problems, chronic depression and other things. She sees me as a rival to beat

KitLily your storie is certainly ringing all of my narcissist warning bells! I'm sorry you've had to deal with this.

Yes. When someone told me to look up the definition of a narcissist, I ticked off most of the traits! It was like reading about my mother on a list