My life now

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I used to post here a lot. I stopped because I became frustrated with the lack of responses to some of my posts, but I'm willing to try again because some time has passed and I have some new stuff to say. Fair warning, I allude to suicide later on in this post.

I recently moved into a new apartment. Exciting, right? Well, I'd say it is. However, the path I've been on before now is quite different than that of other mid-20s people having this kind of life change. I once had higher expectations for myself. 5 years ago I had a full time job. Now I'm on social security. I've come to realize just how detrimental my lifelong neurological state is to my ability to fit into the world as it is.

Based on the differences between myself and the way other people's minds work, I am at a disadvantage in life. I seem to stick out like a sore thumb. Not so much because of anything wrong with me, but because I live in a world where others think in a way that I'm still trying to understand. A couple years ago I posted about a job I was at where the listed scheduled start time was different from when we started working. We literally sat and did nothing for the first 30 or even 60 minutes a few times, yet EVERYONE(not just the few responses I got here on WP)told me I was so so wrong for not showing up when scheduled. It blows me away how seemingly if other people were in that same situation, they wouldn't question it.

What has been a common theme is all the types of situations that I didn't know were even possible. Whether it's something like the above story where I did know what I was doing, but I didn't expect everyone being so rigid on me following the schedule when it seems harmless to not to or if it was something where I couldn't have done anything differently. In regard to the latter, I oftentimes have no way of being prepared and therefore no game plan to handle it. I also get irritated when something doesn't make sense and boy, have there been a lot of those cases.

Someone on Reddit once said that I don't understand how life works. I would say that I do understand, which is why I'm so distraught. We're in a world where so much is out of our hands. People have their own ideas and interpretations of things that oftentimes have been to my detriment. The girl and her very strict parents from long ago, being told I can't sit and take a breather at a physically tiring job, people being inconsiderate of my stress levels, I could go on and on. I have two siblings who are severely autistic. How differently would things be if, let's say, I was the most autistic of the three of us? What would it be like to have 2 supportive siblings in addition to my parents instead of them being profoundly impaired?

It's gotten to the point where I've felt at times that being dead seems more enticing. However, my survival instincts keep me from ever working up the nerve to act on those ideations. Idk how I still have such resiliency after everything. Actually, I guess it does help that there are still some things to live for. In September, I'm going to my first Bears game!

I don't know what else to add and I feel better when not thinking about the negative stuff so I'll end this right here.

Life can be so hard, I get that! It is easy to look at others lives and think they must have it easier, or thinking "if only ___, then it would be easier." But we get the life we are handed. I like the end of your post, where you talk about getting excited for your first Bears game. Because I think that's part of what makes life worth living, is reminding ourselves of the things that bring us joy, whether they are small or big things.

Try to hang in there CubsBullsBears . Always seems there is a better way . And perhaps there is, and at a age similiar to yours , I was mostly looking for it and could not imagine ,why others , just did not see the obvious ? Frustrating for sure . And often told , Well thats the way we do it here" So as time passed ,I fit in what changes I could without rocking too many peoples boats . ( When I could) . Then some many Years later someone had written :
"Life is Not about the destination, but its about the Journey you take to get there ." . Not terribly satisfying all the time
but ,I figured it was about Learning . But it seems to be a fact about the journey part . And the learning part sometimes the lessons are no fun, sometimes the lessons can be easy. Want to wish to the best of understandings on your journey.
( Am NO Guru or Anything ! , just the school of hard knocks tried hard to cancel my Ticket ,On the ride of Life )

Sometimes, the anger hits me. It’s a mental struggle just existing in a world with other people who don’t get me and are too stubborn to do so.

Sweet Pea hugs