Person with substance abuse in your life?

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I am dealing with an ex husband (and father of my child; I am divorced since 1999) that has a substance abuse problem...I feel like I am at the end of my rope...all the therapy does not help my anxiety, I don't know where else to look for help anymore. I have an exceptional therapist, but a few days after talking to her, all my confidence goes in the drain...I even started having chest pain most of the day now, every day...I am helping so many patients with advice and kindness at my job, but I am lost when it comes to helping and being kind to myself. I am sick (literally sick, I almost collapsed at the last court hearing because my heart went crazy when the Judge yelled at him and it startled the hell out of me) of court dates where he's given chance after chance (by the court/health professionals and myself), spending money and time I don't have (related to his substance abuse) etc. How important is it for my child to still have a father, if he is totally messed up and the court even thinks that he's unfit to be a father? And when should I draw the line? I feel like compassion in this case is just becoming pure stupidity from my part. I should say that my daughter is perfectly fine, after years and years of supervised visitations, therapy etc. She is not even asking about him anymore and she's doing good in school and otherwise (she has Aspergers and so do I, mine is much more severe than hers).

Anyone out here that has any constructive ideas of how to cope with this?

Please post only if you have a similar situation (I feel like I am the only one in this situation, but I know that substance abuse is very common in US).

Well i'm only 16...so don't have a husband. Although, my mother is an alcoholic even though she wont admit it and my father who I never see is a regular drug user...so I can say that I am sort of in a similar situation.

When should you draw the line?...In my opinion, NOW.
Your daughter may not be asking about her father, but she will most likely still be suffering. Having a parent with an drug abuse problem, even if you don't see them on a regular basis, can influence a childs thought process in a negative way. It can even make them think that they are the reason why their parents are the way they are...it does happen, I have been there!
All of this is affecting your health as well. You said that you are getting chest pains...which can happen because of stress. And stress CAN lead to a heart attack in extreme circumstances. Here's a tip...listen to what you tell your patients...take your own advice! It may take some practise, but you need to help yourself before you can effectively help anyone else.

In my opinion...you and your daughter need to get away from all of this. It's just not healthy.

Me but I'm in recovery now.

I feel a great deal of empathy towards your situation. I have a 2 year old son, and his mother left me before his first Christmas...I couldn't deal with the rejection, and losing my family. Rare a day has come since where I slept sober.

I worry. My father was an extreme alcoholic...I always hated him for that. Yet, it's the middle of the day, and I must admit I'm getting drunk. I held out for most of my life, but lately with everything I've lost...I just don't know what else to do.

I hope I'll never let this addiction, this escape from the pain, detriment my son. And I won't let it. Whenever he's with me, I'm free. To hell with any drug, they simply can't compare. But, when he's not at my side...I fall.

I have no one and nothing in this life, just him. I admit, when his mother left I was so crushed...and still am. I hated her for leaving me like that...but now I see things clearer. She doesn't matter, he does. She's fine now, I'm not. So I need to better myself...so I can better provide for my son.

I have no real answers. But your ex-husband must at least realize this, and if his addictions become so bad as to hurt your child...you must pull away. I'm scared saying that, because I'm still falling...but, I would never take my son into the depths of hell that I have gone.

Don't judge him for withering his own life away, he has no choice in his mind. But don't ever allow him to ever hurt your child. If he ever loved them to begin with, he wouldn't put his own interests above them.

And don't worry so much...I know from experience the indifference of a loved one is beyond cruel, but I still wouldn't want to be a burden to the mother and caretaker of my child. So be strong, you have someone you need to protect.

Thank you so much for the post! I took my time to answer because it is so hard to talk about it, but tonight I can face it one more time.

I am sorry that you are so young and you have to deal with such things... My mother was an alcoholic, also, very abusive to me and my brother. We survived. With bruises...lol... My father survived also, but is alone now (he has a girlfriend, because I "forced" him to, but he still says that there is no one like my Mom). I don't know how he did it, he was there, taking care of her every single day and keeping his job as a Professor, which takes a lot of studying and stuff. I forgave her long time ago for physically and mentally abusing me daily (that's how bad it was). Thanksfully when she died we had a very good relationship...maybe it helped that I was two continents away. I am sounding cynical, I am sorry, maybe I still have some left overs...
Be strong, observe your parent's shortcomings and don't repeat it. I am not drinking, I never did, I am afraid of falling in the trap of alcohol (I am not a fun person to go to the bar with...lol...). I am not taking pain meds, despite the fact that I probably need it badly for my back injury. I am not taking meds for depression, I learned to deal with it. I am not being mean with my daughter at all. I tell her I love her daily and I hug her and kiss her (something that never happened to me with my parents...despite the fact that I know they adored me). Etc. Just be strong. I really believe now that we are just souls that come together in families to learn lessons, have joys, suffering etc. I do not buy so much the genetic theory, but I know that behaviour can be learned from parents.
You sound much more mature than your age. That's great. You sound clear and smart and strong. Your advice is very good (and I know that you are right when you said that I can't help others until I help myself, it DOES affect my job, it makes me weak and vulnerable). You are probably an old soul...and that's your cross that you have to carry, family problems, but I have a good feeling that the family of your own that you will create in the future will be a happy one. Just don't be like me, trying to fix broken souls. There is no fix for that, unless they want to help themselves.
Thank you again!
Love, Elena.

Last edited by cerasela on 05 Mar 2008, 7:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Thank you for sharing such an important thing. May G-d help you stay strong and enjoy life clear minded and with mindfullness.

Love, Elena.

you sound like a fantastic mom Elena, your the only one I know I will let pray for me (to the christian God anyways)

Wow, this is a painful thing that you are going thru... I cried daily for years because I inflicted so much pain on my ex when I left him. The pain I am talking about was because I knew that I can see our daughter every day, live with her, when he couldn't. I didn't know then that he had a substance abuse problem. He was just being mean and I could not understand why, I felt constantly that he was pulling me down and I just wanted to escape that. Maybe I was just in denial. After a few years I gave it another chance. Then I noticed that he was drinking every day, he was lost, he could not enjoy life, he did not protect me when I was sick, he was just lost...it ended with domestic violence and handcuffs. After that it was just a spiral down for him. Did not work in almost 4 years, while I killed myself working so I can raise our daughter. It was just so easy for me to do it, for the love of her. But what it was hard was to remember to love myself, at least once in a while. Later (when he was driving delirious with the child in the car), the court got involved to help him help himself. It is a process that is going on for two years now and I am totally drained, tired of it. My daughter is safe now, emotionally stable, but G-d only knows how this roller coaster will affect her life later. She always tells me that she will never get married or have children...it breaks my heart, maybe it is just child talk, but maybe it isn't. Remains to be seen...
Just see my pain and think about your situation. Don't be sad that you can't see him every day, it is physically imposible...but be strong and clear minded for him. Enjoy every moment that you have with him. He's everything. And you're his role model. He probably loves/adores you. He probably doesn't know what you are going thru, get out of the spiral before he will realize what is going on. I know addiction, I smoke cigarettes, on and off, for more than half of my life...I know that if I don't stop for good I will erase at least 20 years of my life, when my daughter will probably need me. We all need our parents, good or bad or whatever. I am still upset that my Mom died too young, at 52. That's not an age to die, it's ridiculous. So I know that addiction is bad. But I know that it is not a disease, it is a choice. I do not like when I see that addictions are clasified as diseases, they're not...come on, I smoke because I chose to, shame on me. It is not a disease, it is lack of self love.
Turn it around, before it will affect your health. Life is very hard, everybody has to provide for themselves and their children and we can't do it sick. And we have to enjoy what we can along the way. Just try to go dry, no drinking for ever. If it takes medical supervision, do it. It is gruesome to go thru detox, I have taken care of [patients that went thru that. But I have a very happy story to report. I know this homeless person that was very badly into his drinking. A pastor was allowing him to live at his church and the guy was in turn taking care of activities at the church (a warming center for the homeless in our area). He was doing a very good job, but he got more and more into the drinking until he got some infection and he had to be rushed to the ER. He ahd sepsis and he was also withdrawing from life long alcohol abuse. He was in ICU for a few weeks, but when he came out he looked and felt so much better, he actually looks very good and he smiles all the time now (I see him once a week when I go to that church). I am proud of him (he has the kindest heart and a good word for everybody and he works very hard at what he's doing) and I am proud/grateful that I work at the hospital that helped him get sober and saved his life when he was in sepsis. And him in turn still helps homeless people get a warm place to stay in the bitter cold of Michigan winter. This is an extreme situation, I am not trying to compare you with the homeless guy (who happens to be a Vietnam vet, also, which is a very respectable thing to be, sad, bto me ut still, deserves to be respected for his sacrifice). I just wanted to share a story that made me believe that miracles can happen.
Make your miracle happen, while your son is still young enough that he will not suffer to see you suffering. I'll say a prayer for your recovery, with all my heart. Please keep me posted. I want all the best for you. One good thing is that you have the courage and you are man to admit that you do have a problem. That's 100% encouraging to me that you will recover. My mother never said anything remotely close to admitting that she was drinking herself to death. Never. But you are talking about it. That's encouraging.
Be strong!! ! Enjoy your son!! ! Please forgive me if I sounded offensive at any point, I am not probably the best person to give advice when I am smoking a pack a day...I just want to encourage you, not make you feel bad.

Thak you for your kind post, good advice and sharing your story!! !

Love, Elena.

I will work on quitting smoking, I just met a "smoking hot" man that treats me good and he keeps saying that he wants to kiss me, but it will not happen while I am still smoking...lol...I would not let him...

Kilroy, I am so proud of how happy you have made yourself, for the starting of school and all the good news!! !

Thank you for your friendship and yes, I am and I will pray for you (I have a G-d that's very flexible these days, I love Dalai Lama for His compassion and light heart and I pray to an Universal G-d). You are young and you have to live your life at the utmost potential. You're doing a good job!

Thank you for calling me a good mom...sometimes I don't know anymore...lol...

Love, Elena.