People bring nothing but crap. I want to be alone.

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No bills, no grades, no getting up in the morning, no insults, no snobbishness, no embarrassing moments, no snottiness, no snootiness, no worrying about being a victim of crime if I'm not a prisoner inside all night, no expectations, no appointments I have to keep, no stress, no pressure, no nagging, no annoying reminders, no questions, no having to follow the rules or ask to use the bathroom or go for jury duty or submit to a random search and/or testing of my stuff and my person or my bodily fluids or my excretions or whatever, submit to this background check, carry my ID everywhere and get fined if I happen to look like a fugitive and don't have it, write cover letters, dust the shelves to make the living room look respectable, eat like a lady, wear clothes that OTHERS think suit me, or wear black shoes and shine them regularly or cut grass or lie just to avoid offending someone or rush to meet a deadline. No filling out long forms, no people staring at me, no being careful what I wear so that nobody will look at my rolls of fat. No f****n BS.


I don't have any of that now except for the embarrassing moments, but I'm afraid of getting sucked into that BS.

girl, believe me, I know.....
wish I could comfort you some, god knows I Need a friend now and then my self,
its kind of a catch 22, need a friend then think you find one then get craped on,
then get so sick of it and people in general as well. and much much more.
but there is not much else you can do but,- hang in there kiddo,.
count your blessings, life sometimes gets much worse.

Don't we all.

On the first part of the journey
I was looking at all the life
There were plants and birds and rocks and things
There was sand and hills and rings
The first thing I met was a fly with a buzz
And the sky with no clouds
The heat was hot and the ground was dry
But the air was full of sound

Ive been through the desert on a horse with no name
It felt good to be out of the rain
In the desert you can remember your name
cause there aint no one for to give you no pain
La, la ...

After two days in the desert sun
My skin began to turn red
After three days in the desert fun
I was looking at a river bed
And the story it told of a river that flowed
Made me sad to think it was dead

You see Ive been through the desert on a horse with no name
It felt good to be out of the rain
In the desert you can remember your name
cause there aint no one for to give you no pain
La, la ...

After nine days I let the horse run free
cause the desert had turned to sea
There were plants and birds and rocks and things
There was sand and hills and rings
The ocean is a desert with its life underground
And a perfect disguise above
Under the cities lies a heart made of ground
But the humans will give no love

You see Ive been through the desert on a horse with no name
It felt good to be out of the rain
In the desert you can remember your name
cause there aint no one for to give you no pain
La, la ...

boy, can I relate, Ana!

Come with me to live a life of seclusion in the wilderness.

I feel like sh** all the time right now and I'm with my best friends and in the best social situation I've ever been in. I hated it with my parents; I felt pressured and I felt pressured to hide that I felt pressured. Because they want GOOD news for a change; I've been a failure all my life. Rolling Eyes


Now that I'm here I'm expressing my misery, rather than hiding/controlling/camouflaging/moderating/censoring/withholding/forgetting/stuffing/sparing/saving it.


Anyone who wants to give me any kind of "Stop whining and ignore your problems and do something useful" behavioral therapy would probably get a kick in the balls if I was with them in person when they said that.


I feel like sh** all the time though. Now 24 hours a day. I'm turning into a real b***h. What goes through my head is: "I don't want to do anything for you if I don't feel like it. People are annoying. People are demanding. I don't want to live with people. There are maybe 10 people in the world who aren't demanding and annoying." And then, "OMG, I'm such a b***h, I'm a spoiled piece of sh**, I don't deserve friends, I don't deserve a boyfriend, I don't deserve anyone to love me because when have I ever shown love to anyone else? I don't deserve any kind of help or reassurance from anyone. I don't deserve to be allowed to complain because all it does is drag people down. All I do is make people feel wors. I talk about sh** more often than I talk about happy stuff. It's like I'm addicted to sh** feelings. I can't stop. I can't concentrate on loving or liking or being friends with anyone anymore, I can't concentrate on sitting making small talk or talking about something normal, sitting with people talking but I don't have anything to say is a big chore. And they always call me back in when I go into another room to do something else, and I always feel so bad. People are a burden, people are a nuisance, just being around people is a job and a chore and dull and boring. Not stimulating enough for me. Maybe if we were storming a building to rescue people or doing something exciting like that I'd be able to talk to them, have conversations, get involved emotionally with them again. But sitting in a living room is so, so far from enough.


Am I still clinically depressed. I mean, yes, I am, but would I be CONSIDERED clinically depressed by the people whose opinions actually count? I know there are tons of people who would call me a spoiled brat who needs to stew in my own juice for a while and then I'd be grateful. But that depresses me even more and has an opposite effect of what those people are trying for. Aversives don't f***ing work on me. I'm too depressed for aversives to work on me, and the world is full of them. Restraints too. The world is full of restraints and aversives, and I'm too depressed to handle any of it.


I thought I was above this BS. Even when I was seeing black holes I still had love and respect for most people. I thought I had at least some honor and some solidarity.


Yes, this is pasted from another post in another thread. So what?


By the way, what's scary is, Rich and Jack are never demanding. I've lived in Jack's mother's house, eaten his food, and am not grateful, wtf is the matter with me?

Somebody has a lot of hormones.

- D

Here's one big thing I forgot to mention. People say the one gift I can give them, or the one thing I can give them in return, is my happiness. But I don't have that. Or I would give it to them, believe me. The little happiness I have from them being so nice and happy and understanding of me is just keeping me from running through the streets shouting "Look at me!" or blowing up the JRC office building or something. I don't have any to spare. It's like I'm a bottomless pit just swallowing it all up and never being satisfied.

*smokes cigarette and drinks coffee, not attentive to the subject*

hello Ana,

I know you will believe me when I tell you I live your life. By that I mean I understand what you are saying so completely I can't even express it in any other way.

Something I have found out about myself is this.
That I really CAN'T feel what other people are giving me.

When others are satified with the love they feel from others, I realize that it is not them that is not giving me love, it is that I can't feel the love they are giving.

When others are supremely satisfied by doing good deeds and getting warm fuzzy feelings from doing those good deeds, I realize I cant feel that feeling with in me but for a far away intellectual content.

when people can't console us, because we can't feel the consolation we think they are withholding something from us, because other people seem to be consoled, why aren't WE?
they stop trying to console us and actually turn hostile because they can't even fathom we aren't feeling it. Hell, Ana, WE don't even know we are not feeling it.

this is pretty revolutionary thinking, but I wanted to share it with you so you can look at examples from your own life and see if that is what is happening to you.

Love, (for what THAT is worth )

Merle

Merle, that means a lot to me, thanks.

That's another way of explaining that I'm so depressed I need a lot to cheer me up, more than anyone is or would be willing to give me. It's me and my f**ked-up brain, not them. I know it isn't.

I used to feel the same way about people, when I was your age.

I'm not taking the piss when I say this, but sincerely, have you ever considered getting a dog? Unconditional love goes a long way towards soothing the soul.