losing it...

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I am really feeling that I am on the cusp of losing it completely. I push it all down under the surface, and I guess I am able to hold it together from an external perspective, even my psychiatrists thinks I am "fine", but I do not trust him enough to tell him what is actually going on in my head. I've been having more and more thoughts about working up the courage to put my affairs in order and getting this life done and over with. I am wholly immobilized by depression because of this. I fear that if I do start doing anything I'll end up doing THAT. I see no purpose to my continued presence, I am only processing chemicals at this point. I have tried to come up with interests, but I am not good enough at any of them to warrant my "contribution". This leaves me staring into the idiot-box to numb my mind. I want nothing more than to build connections with other people, but over the past few months those connections that I had have blown up completely. I see no hope of my ever finding a partner, if I ever expose my inner-life to someone they'll know how monumentally broken I am and they'll run screaming for the hills. I am not even sure why I am posting this stream of consciousness nonsense. I just don't know what I am supposed to do.

You arent the olney one close to losing it. Olney just recently I've finally felt like I'm actually getting a hold of my life, but now everyone seems to be trying harder to bring me down. The pressure to stay on top of things is bearing down on me like a heard of elephants. I feel the need to do well in school because everyone has worked so hard to help me get there, but I also feel the extreme need to break something because of all the hecklers in my classes. Whats worse, the stress that the bullies cause leaves me in a state that I cant concertate on on my work. The strain is unbearable, and its starting to show at home.

My parents and teachers would like to think that I'm "normal" but actually I really need their help. Me going to talk to them is the olney good way to solve this. Mabey you should do the same; go talk to your parents, revive some old connections, they may even be proud of you when you ask for help instead of hurting yourself.

thanks for commiserating, i'm glad i am not screaming into the wind. it is a shame that we're so far flung. i am not religious, but if there is a god this is truly a sick-fscking joke.

i just found this and i thought that perhaps i should say something to make you feel better, but as i was thinking this over i realized that all i can do is tell you that you are not alone, there are quite a few of us who suffer, but most of us seem to cope and sometimes coping long enough seem to lead to some "life" of some sorts and then people seem to be content with that..

i have lately been thinking this over and by this i mean the whole love and partner thing and i realized that i hold back as i have some fear of rejection and also because i fear that i will not feel anything for them and so waste both our time... if i look at both these reasons i find that a common theme is lack of risk taking... perhaps its also a source of depression if its too strong?

Interesting that you should raise both of those points, I talk myself out of even trying at times for those exact reasons. It is far too often that I am on a first date, and am not even paying attention as I talk. I do not have to because the interaction is so rote and mechanical. I have a habit of tangentially spewing out my story too. It is odd I am not risk averse physically, but emotionally I am as gun-shy as they come.

ha! Routine is the only way I have any hope of having any recollection what I "supposed" to be doing.