Boyfriend doesn't care how he makes me feel

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I edited the thread title.

I think you and your boyfriend need to work on adoring each other. You need to explain clearly how you feel, outside of an argument, in a calm, safe way, so you both feel secure about chatting and not fearful of stuff breaking down. Talk about it so it doesn't happen, dont react when it does and think he is doing it to hurt you. Cut him some slack (and yourself!!)

You need to learn to love you breasts, poor things. This is your insecurity not his. You have to love yoursefl first. Lots of guys just like ALL tits, not big, not small, just every single one there is. I'm female, but about 40% male in my sexuality and I love them ALL, I cant helping looking either. Its primitive, somewhere in my dna and it ain't my fault.

How does that make my poor flat chested male partner feel? Im joking al little but he has no problem cos he knows, totally knows 100%, that I adore every inch of him.

Sadly you do not feel adored, and I wonder if your boyfriend does? If you felt adored you would just be able to tell him that you dont like the way he talks about other women, without the arguments or it hurting you.

Does your boyfriend love your body? (answer that based on how he is with you alone, are you learning to really love each other? do you love each others bodies? do you have fun and care for each other?)

You can't assume people get stuff, men or women or AS or NT, and then berate them cos they dont, you have to help them understand what you are feeling, you cant just demand they understand you. You get back what you put in, and getting to the crux is hard work (especially if you are arguing and throwing all sorts of complaint at him, you need to focus like yellowtamarin says )

Its awesome when you get a breakthrough and understand how someone works, it brings you closer and you will have a future, but that doesn't come from complaint driven by your insecurity.

Why do you dislike your breasts? Be an independent thinker. Surely you are?

You were born that way, small ones, independent mind. Celebrate them.

You are making false connections and blowing things out of proportion. Really, now, if you drew him a picture would you be upset if he still wanted to go to museums?

You are being too controlling and too rigid in your thinking. It's probably because you're so young. I agree that he could have been a bit more tactful in talking about it, but looking has *nothing* to do with your inherent value as a person or a girlfriend. Your rampant insecurity and your willingness to escalate as a result, however, speaks volumes.

I'm sorry, but I see a ton of rigid, black-and-white thinking in all of your posts, not just the ones about your boyfriend and his supposed insensitivity (which, let's face it, is prevalent among young people of all sexes).

Just my $0.02.

Female Aspie, age 45

If I had a quarter for every time my boyfriend said something stupid like that...

I'm pretty sure that he means no harm, just like others have said. I've worked it out with my boyfriend by having a serious conversation about it. Now I know how he feels and he knows how I feel. I found out that he actually prefers my body over other women so I've stopped being jealous.

Lol and I also found out that it's worse around his friends. When I met his guy friends, they were talking about having a threesome with my bf. I really can't help how he acts around them.

I don't mean to be rude but I don't think that anyone can control your emotions either. A lot of people do expect their partner be responsible for their feelings. They expect their partner to "make" them happy then end up miserable because of it.

It's healthier to say "He doesn't care about my feelings" instead. But to me it sounds as if he does care because he had apologized

I agree with much of what's been said here - men are visual creatures, it's really not personal. Just ask him!

HOWEVER, I also believe that he may not realize that if we ever made a broad social change, and bare female breasts became acceptable in public, they would quickly lose almost all their erotic value for him and other men. The only reason men want to ogle them is because they are always covered and considered taboo. Think about it - as women's clothing has become less conservative, certain body parts have become less fetishized. Wrists? Ankles? Shoulders? Calves? Yeah, not such a big deal now as they once were.

Or go to a place like a nudist colony. Hardly a sexual experience, seriously. My husband and I go to Burning Man, where there are plenty of naked people, although they are a minority. The naked people quickly become extremely visually boring (yes, even the "hot" ones) when there are so many more creative and beautiful costumes and outfits to ogle instead!

Really, don't take it personally. He's just doing what comes naturally, given his gender and the society he was raised in. If he didn't want you, he wouldn't be YOUR boyfriend.

@Snake Eyes I don't want breasts to lose eroticism though. If he went to a nudist colony wouldn't he no longer be interested in or aroused by mine either?

I don't mean this to be offensive, but if your sex life is limited to ogling and poking the "underwear-parts" and then getting it on, you are really missing out on a lot. When you're making love, you're doing it with a entire person whom you love and who loves you, every single part of you, public or not!

A real lover will adore every subtle curve and contour of your body, because your body is the home of your soul, of YOU! Your breasts, large or small, will always be beautiful to your lover. Your hips, your eyes, your lips, hands and feet, ears and neck - all beautiful and adored. It's not WHAT they're looking at on you, it's HOW they see you. That is love.

I had a boyfriend many years ago who was, for all practical purposes, not at all physically attractive in any kind of traditional way. However, his personality was pure gold, and I loved him dearly. Because of this, I found that he appeared beautiful to my eyes because I found him beautiful in my heart.

Your boyfriend, if he really loves you, will always love your breasts because they are part of YOU. Not because of their size, or the fact that society says breasts are erotic. Just because they are part of the woman he loves. Does that make sense?

We're supposed to go see a play at the university today. I want to visit him and see the play bit he isn't going to see or touch my chest today or for awhile. He wants to ogle and fantasize about other women so bad he can go on the Internet and do that. I couldn't give fewer f***s today.

Heartfelt advice... this is your thread, read it all, focus, dont skip, sit and think and then read it again.

Good luck with the boyfriend.

Just saying, while I may not be the most impartial judge, seeing as I'm a lesbian, I stare at boobs all the time, and not because I'm attracted to them. They're just prominent physical features of women. It doesn't necessarily have to mean anything sexual.

I talked to him earlier in the car and had a breakthrough. Basically I talked things over with him and realized all the male figures I've ever had in my family either left my mother or, in the case of the closest person I had to a father, harbored tons of porn at home which we discovered after he died although to say he was a great guy would be a gross understatement. I told my boyfriend about all my thoughts about men leering at women and only liking big breasts, and he said it was a stereotype and not to believe it. Above all, a friend of mine pointed out earlier that I totally misunderstood what my boyfriend meant, and my boyfriwnd agreed when I told him.

There's so much that's disturbing in this thread....

First, I don't care if a woman's starkers, men do not have the right to go leering and drooling unless invited. Period. And yes, they can control it. I used to work as a studio model for drawing classes, and I'd be up there naked in front of a couple dozen college-aged men. You know what they did? Worked. You know what they were to me afterwards? Respectful. Similarly, I used to live in a country where topless sunbathing was normal, and I did. Did men come leer at me? No, because it was normal. Any man who'd gone around being an offensive idiot about it would've been kicked off the beach immediately.

If you're a man and you cannot control yourself around naked breasts, which do not in fact exist for your pleasure and fetishization, you should not be around women.

Second, my god, girl, why are you defining yourself by your breasts and whether or not men want to f**k or grope them? Please go learn about breasts and how women live with them: there are beautiful photoessays on breastfeeding, breasts after pregnancy, breast cancer, breast shapes and sizes...I think you've been affected by porn, too. Porn is not normal, not real. Go find out about real breasts and then be nice to your body and yourself.

^ what this lady said and also

what kept coming through at me in this thread was that you felt upset because your boyfriend did not act in a way that was protective of your feelings.

Now, I am not entirely sure if boyfriends and girlfriends are supposed to have to watch their words all the time because of their partner's insecurities (after all, your self esteem shouldn't be his responsibility, you are not a baby) but I do understand that it feels hurtful and like your feelings are not of importance (which I am pretty sure he didn't mean, I am pretty sure he was only thinking of himself and how it's nice to ogle boobies in general). Still, this is probably something you two need to negotiate between yourselves - what kind of relationship are you both comfortable with - one in which you take care not to offend eachother or the other kind.

It's like being labelled a cold b***h all your life just because you don't demonstrate over the top emotion, much as you may feel it #aspielife

Nine months later and I'm still having trouble with this insecurity crap. As I mentioned in another thread I learned in May that he was looking at pictures of naked girls on Reddit and conversing with them in comment threads. I'm not over that hurt or the fact he lied about using porn, which he knew I was opposed to and disgusted by, for eight months, but I've decided to just try to let go of the pain and resentment because it hurts less than obsessing over it. I had another bout of insecurity a few days ago and he told me he thinks I'm beautiful but he mostly focused on my personality. When he does that beyond a certain extent I feel like he's convincing himself there are reasons he settled for me. Once he actually told me this: "I settled for you because you were the best there was to settle for. Just because you lack a little boob or butt, you make up for it and exceed in everything else." That was pretty backhanded if you ask me.

I almost broke down crying the other day after arguing with him and telling him how I can't compete with Megan Fox or the girl he told on Reddit, who looked the OPPOSITE of me, that he "loved her curves" and that she had a "perfect shape" just a few days before we got together. He told me that his tastes had changed and he was really angry about me bringing it up. I have a hard time believing a man's physical preference can do a 180 at all, let alone within a few days while we got together. I'm his first girlfriend and his only sex "ed" was from porn so part of me hopes he likes/d big boobs because that's the only thing he thought was okay or manly or healthy to want.

I asked him the other day how he'd feel if he had a babydick and he claims he wouldn't feel bad which I know is BS. He almost hung up on me saying "I know I have the smallest dick in my family. Have a nice day." to me once when I compared small breasts to a small dick trying to make him understand. His favorite defense when I try to talk to him about any of this is that I shouldn't worry what most men think because I have him. He finally understood the other day that I want to be considered generally attractive by other people, not just one lone perverted freak (I didn't word it to him like that but same general idea).

Welcome back, Emo. Still not ready to concede that it is you that is the problem here?

I'm going to hazard a guess and say most of the men in WP that have a gf have checked out porn and it has nothing to do with how hot or ugly their partner is. Men get hooked on it, or they simply just like it. It doesn't make it right in a relationship but as worthless as it makes you feel, your body is not the reason he looks at porn. He would probably have looked at it anyway while dating another girl.

Stop blaming your insecurities on someone else, least of all your boyfriend. Just accept your body is how it is and deal with it.
I remember this topic when it was in L&D, and see it has made it's way here. It's not changed one bit. I wish I could be more polite about my message here but I can't.
Edit 1: Wow, not exactly the best way for me to start my morning. Didn't realise this was in women's, just saw the name and then saw the topic and hey prestoe. I won't bother adding any more replies to this as I shouldn't be in here. Regardless, what I said isn't the nicest thing to say but as someone who saw the previous topics about this issue I'm going to stick to my guns. Sorry.
Edit 2: To save coming back here, the porn thing is an issue in itself and should be discussed with him a bit more.