AS Women and Relationships

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I find the entire gift-and-card thing to be excruciatingly difficult, with the mere thought of needing to do this being an occasion of considerable anxiety. No matter how well I know the person, choosing a gift is an immensely difficult, painful process – and then there's the actually going to find it and buy it part. I always have the nagging feeling that I have gotten them something lame or just "not them", even though I give tremendous thought to what to get. Cards are even worse - they always come out bumbling and babbling. I like giving gifts; it is the selection and procurement of them that always seems to be amazingly difficult.

In stark contrast, I have no problem selecting gifts for children, even teens, that are "totally them" and provide the "wow" factor. For some reason, I seem to be much more naturally in tune with the young'uns.

^ Gifts and Cards? Huh? makes no sense to me.
as for others having alternative thoughts to my own ---- this is still an issue and always will be, although i have more of an intellectual and cognitive grasp of it these days, which means less arguments.

I have been known to play Gary Wright's Dreamweaver song/vid on youtube for a whole day with scant regard for the thoughts of others. i think this expemplifies lack of theory of moind - particularly when the rest of the household is howling with rage about it.....

Yes. I always had the "theory of mind" issues. I didn't realise there were motivations beyond my own, and it would be incredibly jarring, traumatic even, when others' actions were not congruent with these assumptions.

I do not buy gifts for the reason that it is very stressful and I'm not sure what the point is. People aren't usually thrilled with them anyway, especially since most of them, when asked, don't even know what they want. When I do give, it is because it comes naturally, which is far more genuine. I give things such as my time and effort, or things that can't be bought.

Morgana, and other posters, I also agree in most of your thoughts.

Dealing with relationships take a lot time of my life also. First I din't know myself very much to start relating, when I think I do I find myself also in weird situations. The time when I fall in love with a man, the other person doesn't believe me. When I'm alone not necessarily looking for somebody to be with (hei, I'm autistic, you know), some will come (usually in predatory way, you know) to try it with me (that makes me stress). Does that means I have to give up with love relationships ( and family, cause I relate it to it, also )? I don't think so. But sure my life is more of a circus than others, ..

Yeah, me too. I´m not sure if this is because kids are easier to please, or what. Last time I bought a gift for my niece, I stood in the store debating for what seemed like hours; should I get this? or should I get that? I seemed to have chosen the correct present, because she really liked it. Presents for kids always seem to work well, partly because there seems to be so much to choose from. Whereas with a man, I seem to have no ideas, for a child, there are so many ideas it´s hard to make a choice!

I also feel like I have a pretty good "theory of mind" for young people. Sometimes, I think I understand children and "read" them even better than average! Maybe this is because I was a child once, and remember what it´s like. Other adults seem to get into "adult mode", but I think I remember better- or at least, am more in touch with- the child part of me. Likewise, I also seem to be really good working with my students...(usually in their late teens and early 20s). Again, I guess because I remember what it was like to be a student. But sometimes my ability in this regard surprises even me...it seems strange that I can relate to some people so well, but with others- not at all! It´s like I have no theory of mind with some, but an exceptionally good theory of mind with others...

Off topic, but oh well.

Sorry, guess I never answered this.

First off: is "femme fatale" considered negative? I didn´t realize that, I thought it was a good thing? (I thought men liked them?) As for me, I have no idea what people think of me, or what labels they would give, in terms of my sexuality. It´s a strange thought, because what I think or know about myself seems to be grossly incongruous, at times, with how others perceive me. I have been called aloof at times, but that´s about the only "label" I can think of. To be honest, I don´t really know what men are thinking about me. I feel like I´ve had very little verbal feedback, and the only way of knowing is by interpreting their actions and reading into things...which I am not very good at! Which is why the mystery continues, I guess.

One man (I wasn't involved with) informed me that he'd never have guessed, going by my appearance, that I'd be interested in certain subjects and be able to discuss them.

Looking at photographs, I appear different to how I imagine. I personally imagine something like a gay male.

That´s a good point actually, that people- (and men especially)- seem to judge others based on physical appearance. It´s like, if you look a certain way, people seem to expect a certain personality to "match" that. I always thought that was odd...

Men always seem to be thrown by me, and they seem to expect me to be different from who I am- another personality somehow- so I´ve often wondered if my looks don´t match my personality. In fact, there were times when I wondered if I should change my appearance, though I wasn´t sure what I should be changing it to. But for a time, I was wondering if that was my inexplicable problem with relationships.

I don´t know why first impressions and physical appearance should be that powerful, but I guess that´s a side effect of living in a superficial world. It´s a shame...it seems so constricting somehow, as well as boring. This wouldn´t be such a problem, I think, if people would take the time to get to know each other.

I too think it's a shame how appearance is so powerful. That's another reason I like going online; my personality is much more likely to be judged for itself without appearance getting in the way. Having others react more to my personality for once helps build a social identity, since they are reacting to the personality rather than the appearance + personality (and the latter isn't revealed much anyway offline due to communication difficulties.)

Besides appearance, I think personality also contributes a lot, and the two can have an affect on each another. For example, when people change their appearance, it sometimes changes the way they feel about themselves. Therefore, others might react not only to the different look but to the personality difference.

So, next question: how many of you had problems with routines and rituals during your relationships? Did your partners hassle you about them, or were they accepting? Or were you able to find some kind of a flow in couple situations- (like new routines)?

Generally speaking my partner helps me with routines. I just don't think he realized how important some routines were though until he directly brought up a really important one to me. My alarm clock. He had a hard time understanding why I was so protective of it. I don't have many routines other than the morning ones, but the alarm clock is such a key one in my daily life I got really frustrated and confused and he was taken aback. Believe it or not resolving this issue resulting in resolving issues that were hanging in our relationship, and made it stronger. He has a better grasp on the nature of me, and a better way of dealing with issues as they come up.

Last edited by starygrrl on 27 Apr 2009, 8:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

I wasn't close enough to most of my partners for routines to cause problems. The one I was closest to noticed my routines, but didn't seem to mind. He had routines he adhered to at about the same level as mine, only mine were far more restricted, revolving mainly around my interests.

His routines were such that I could predict his words and behaviours precisely. He would call me from work for 2 minutes at the same time each day and check on how I was, and would say exactly the same thing. He had a set routine for everything.

I recall we did get slightly irritated with each other. For example, he'd be irritated at how I had to remove all the specks of dust from around my bowl or plate before eating. However, most of his irritation about such rituals seemed to stem from worry that he hadn't made the environment quite up to my standards; he often expressed guilt, which I didn't understand.

He would let me sit alone with my interests for hours and treat him like an object later on. We were more like a functional machine than an intimate couple. He'd even encourage me, explicitly, to use him in this way, which I don't think was very healthy.

Hmmmm....maybe he was a little kinky?

I seem to have the most problems with routines not so much within relationships, but when I´m single, doing the whole dating or going out thing. I just can´t force myself to break my routines, or stop from doing the things I love at night to to go out. There´s just no motivation, especially as I´ve learned, through experience, there´s no "payoff" anyway. (i.e. going out feels like hell, I don´t enjoy meeting new people for the sake of it, etc.)

I did have some minor routine problems when in relationships. Most notably, I´m quite a "night owl", and there are certain things I like to do at night. I sometimes had the problem that after sex, I wouldn´t want to stay in bed and go right to sleep- (and I can´t sleep if I´m not tired, and I hate just lying there). Many men seemed very offended if I didn´t stay in bed with them and sleep when they wanted to, which I thought was odd! One boyfriend was quite upset that I snuck out repeatedly to go watch "Star Trek", but I was going through a Star Trek phase at the time so I really wanted to see it. I had another problem with another man, something similar. He was a professional singer and I a dancer, and when we were on tour, I had a routine that I had to wind down after the show with a drink (an alcoholic one), otherwise I couldn´t relax or sleep, after giving so much energy in the performance. But he always wanted to go to bed right away. I used to compromise by having sex with him, then afterward, going to the hotel bar and sitting with a drink, while he stayed in bed. Well, he hated that! I heard all about that, and eventually, he broke up with me- (not just for that reason). I never understood this rigidity men had about insisting I stay in bed and go to sleep with them...strange...

Wow, so you remove all specks of dust from the plate before eating? Me too! I also make sure to wipe down any salad dressing or other sauce that may have clung to a part of the bowl, messing up the look. I like my food to look neat before I eat it. Actually, I´m quite picky and have some rituals regarding eating. It´s also important for me to have a very relaxing and high quality dinner- another necessary routine. So, going out with a guy who quickly gulps down junk food would never work for me. Actually, I rate people a bit based on their eating preferences...

I'm actually the opposite of this in many ways. Although I try to eat healthily - and it's really not too much of an effort to do so, as I much prefer 'wholesome' to junk foods - eating is a very practical thing for me. I don't make dinner plans. I find it very uncomfortable eating in the same room as other people. When I'm hungry, I fetch food and eat, in the same way as when I need to go to the toilet, I visit the bathroom. Although I do enjoy the foods I like, eating is basically a functional thing. The 'going out to dinner' thing has always puzzled me a little - the idea of turning eating itself into a social event.

Hmm, it does kind of read like that!

That's made me recall how he'd like it if I snapped at him when in overload. He'd say "That's what I like to see!"



I can see how that would make it difficult to go out. Perhaps daytime activities revolving around an interest (or developing a new one) would be more suitable.



I understand how you would prefer Star Trek.



I used to compromise in relationships by going without food and things such as basic consideration. I would never do something like that now, and think it's more likely to repel men or attract the wrong ones because it comes off as being unconfident. I reckon some of the men you knew might have insisted on you staying in bed with them due to some sort of insecurity. Especially the bar one, because you might have attracted other male attention while he was asleep.

Concerning routines and interests, I remember how most would either ignore my interests or ridicule them a little; mostly it was ignoring. I did get the two nicest ones to listen to me monologue on astronomy, though.

Right now, my obsession is- oddly enough- Asperger´s Syndrome. Any ideas?

There is a support group here that I could go to, but I would need to make a telephone call and make the arrangements to go there. I just keep, well...never getting around to doing it. I guess I´m a little scared of the whole thing. Aside from that...any other ideas about how I can use my "special interest" in Asperger´s Syndrome to meet men?? Gee, that looks totally inane when I see it in writing..