How did you deal with your diagnosis?

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I am a 29 year old female, officially diagnosed September 2014. For as long as I can remember I have struggled at life in every way except academically. It never occurred to me that I may be autistic until one day I went for a coffee with my best friend (my only real friend) and became quite upset afterwards as the interaction seemed "off" somehow, it was different to the usual catch ups but I couldn't figure out exactly why. Nothing significantly negative occurred during the interaction however I was highly distressed afterwards and quite frantically trying to figure out what had gone awry between us. I couldn't believe that somehow yet another relationship was going sour and I was absolutely lost as to why, eventually settling on the description in my mind that I was truly "socially ret*d" since I couldn't even keep one stable relationship in my life. I googled my description and one of the results mentioned females with Asperger syndrome. As you all know, once you get into an idea/topic there is no limit to the time you will spend researching all about it and this became my obsession. Even before I considered the remote notion that it could apply to me, I was fascinated. I mentioned it to my psychologist who I had been seeing for 3 years and she immediately dismissed it until I started talking (monologue) about how I could relate and what I thought about it. She then went very quiet and said she would speak to her colleague and to cut a long story short, she referred me to a specialist and I was officially diagnosed.

This was the icing on the sh!t cake that has been my chaotic, lonely, life to-date. I cycled through many emotions including a dreg of relief but recently more frustration, resentment, anger, and bitterness has been consuming my thoughts and feelings. I grew up in poverty and my family was homeless for some time, had an abusive alcoholic gambling father, religious extremist mother, suffered constant racial abuse and was bullied in school from prep to year 12 for reasons I will never know as well as being "shy"/weird. As you can imagine, I have struggled with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I was misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder and to some extent PTSD and an "Adult Child of an Alcoholic", all pretty inadequate.

Two years ago I had a breakdown and lost my job (entire career) which was a huge blow to my confidence and self-identity. I enrolled in uni as a mature aged student, studying Psychology of all things. Nowadays I think I'm a bit disassociated just trying to survive. I had to move house all by myself and had an operation to remove a pre-cancer not long after the diagnosis of Aspergers. I failed all my subjects last semester at uni and have been trying to rectify my results in light of my diagnosis. My relationship with my partner has ended because I was in shock for a couple of months and hell-bent on breaking up because I believe I will never have kids, but we are still living together until he moves overseas for work. I have no idea what he is thinking/feeling about us. I feel abandoned and a bit psycho, trying to act normal and keep it together only because I hate pity and will cut off all my limbs before letting people treat me like THAT. I can't really tell anyone, except my one friend, I'm not close with my family. Everyday is a struggle against the urge to self destruct. I feel so unattractive, have no libido, loathe myself and feel sick at the thought of having contact with anyone ever again. All I ever wanted was to be "normal" and now it's not even a possibility. I'll never have the "fairytale" husband, baby, white picket fence because I know that all the darkness in me is real, it's kind of solidified my heart into a rock.

My memory of stressful events tends to go patchy and disappear after a while (6months or so) and I think that is helping me to move on from adversities. Writing this post has been a feat of memory, pretty sure some stuff is missing but that is lost in the ether. Now trying to harness my furious energy and focus my efforts on the new year at uni (switching to an Arts degree), have got a new job (casual) and am trying to start my own business which I have wanted to do for years. Rallying against the truth (Aspergers) is exhausting and ultimately futile. I also know that I really am alone in this world, I have never known "my people", I raised myself and so I will go on and continue to look after myself because I can't trust anyone- when I used to try, now I simply refuse to be that naïve. I've realised that people are horrible and take advantage of me and my sensitivity. Nobody and nothing can help me but myself. I feel like I've got nothing to lose and I'm not afraid of anyone or anything. I no longer have patience for anyone or anything that displeases me in anyway. I have a resilience that is both a blessing and a curse. I feel so tired, like a 90 year old and I'm not afraid to die.

P.S. It turned out my friend wasn't mad at me that day, she was just keeping a secret that she was 6 weeks pregnant.

I was diagnosed a few weeks ago and I'm not taking it too well ... wrote this today ...

Even though I had thought about it for years, now that it's happened I'm like WTF???

Funny though. There has always been something not right. The "Thing", I've always called it. And now it has a name.

I'm scared too. I've fought the Thing all my life, with every last bit of my strength. Now I'm wondering if I could allow it free reign, what would happen?

Would I lose everything? Or just land back where I am, more relaxed and with less chance of liver disease from self-medication?

Realising I don't know who I am, that my life has been largely a cover-up.

And then at other times feeling like the DX must be wrong, I must have "played it up", I'm not really AS, just a fraud!

To name a few ...

I have been going to counseling for depression and anxiety, when she broke the news that I'm an Aspie. I'm 29 and I'm rather irritated that this wasn't revealed to me a lot sooner. Perhaps if I had this diagnosis sooner my life would have turned out better and I would have avoided some big mistakes. I knows its all in the past, it just sucks.

Anyway, upon hearing the news, I was shocked but at the same time I knew on some level that it was possible.

Now that I know, in a way its been a relief as now I don't feel like all the crying episodes I've had at my jobs and all the other things I've gone through have been because I've done something wrong, its just how I operate.

My counselor says that I shouldn't see it as something being wrong with me or broken, but as a way to better understand myself. I am still learning about it all, but I hope to come up with more reliable solutions to handle the numerous situations I face everyday.

Over the years I've had many people try to change things about me. Their attempts would fail and it always seemed to reflect badly on me like I wasn't putting in the effort or something. Now that I have a diagnosis, I'm able to tell them about it and try to get them to understand me better instead of them giving me advice and trying to force me to fit their ideal version of who they want me to be.

Diagnosed with Aspergers last summer (2014) (45 y/o) when I was referred to with burn-out/depression, anxiety issues.

My scores are pretty high (A.Q 36 female 0!)
Always felt weird, never fitting in. Too intelligent, not interested in female stuff. Odd one out. No herd mentality. Stubborn, determined, too honest, etc....
no personality disorders. ('only' selective mutism when under stress..)

My first reaction was oh, o.k. and what next... pretty aloof and not bothered. A few months later, the diagnoses hit me like a boomerang... I thought my doctor made an error, it couldn't be, not me, autistic?! what a joke.....
only to wake up the next day, telling myself, yes, it fits the bill, you are, you were and you will always be...

A year later, I still have my ups and downs. At times, I accept my Aspie and am proud to be one... only to feel ##$#$%# the next day, feeling sorry for myself and being mad at the whole world. ....