Pretty Girl .... A Rant

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Just need a quick rant!! !

We had Christmas Eve and Christmas morning at the in-laws.

There were 6 children aged 2 to 9. 5 boys and 1 girl. (My niece is 2).

My mother-in-law always wanted a daughter (got 2 sons) and then always wanted a granddaughter (got 5 grandsons before she got her granddaughter).

Anyway .... and I am not exaggerating ... my mother-in-law said to my niece at least 100 times .... ooooh, you're such a pretty girl. You're so pretty. Aren't you pretty. You're a pretty girl!

I told my mother-in-law that she should not focus on her looks, and she should tell my niece she is a clever girl.

Anyway, my sister-in-law heard me lecturing the mother-in-law and agreed with me. But it didn't stop the mother-in-law. Ooooh you're so pretty ... don't you look pretty today .... you're a pretty girl .... who's my pretty girl.



Feminism has just passed some people by!

Helen

P.S. I love my niece

Sophie Tucker's advice?

I was never told I was pretty as a young girl, and I wish I was honestly. It has nothing to do with feminism. It has to do with validation, and yeah, looks matter. At least, people need to know that how they looks has appeal, even if it's the appeal of being a recogized and loved family member. Even if you aren't the prettiest person on the planet, you should at least have loved ones who will assure you that you are attractive to them. You know, that old sayin "a face only a mother could love" says a lot about basic human psychological needs - in many cases, being "familiar" is seen by the human brain as "attractive." Why shouldn't a family member think a young girl or boy is pretty or beautiful? At this age, any child needs that kind of validation. If your own family doesn't think you're attractive, who will??

Granted if there's obvious favoritism, I would be uncomfortable with it. Especially if there was another girl who other family memeber didn't say was pretty, or if the boys never get compliments for being beautiful or handsome. But at 2, a child wants affection, recognition and validation, and even int he form of "You're so pretty!" I think it's mostly a postive thing. Hey, it tells the kid she's noticed and she's part of the family. And as the only girl, it makes her feel special, which I think every child deserves to feel. That's better than treating the kid as though she's invisible.

Lots of little girls get told they're pretty by people when they're that young. Most people are adorable when they're 2. Then when you start school and the cuteness wears off, they make a fuss over younger children instead, and you vanish from their radar. I have to struggle inwardly sometimes not to tell people who are making a fuss over a little girl, "Yeah. You say that now. But will you be saying that when she's a pimply, awkward, overweight, insecure adolescent with braces?"

When I was little, my looks were seldom commented on, for good or ill. I concluded that I must be... nothing much. One day I remarked to a great-aunty of mine that I didn't think myself good-looking. Said she, in lofty patrician tones, "Nonsense, child, you have the face of a Madonna."

It still gives me a feeling of warmth to remember this.

*hugs TheRani, hugs AspieMartian, then looks around for Helen and hugs her as well*

I have no idea what I look like, in terms of pretty/not.

I think your mother-in-law should tell your niece that she's pretty AND clever, or whatever other positive trait that your niece possesses. I don't think there's anything wrong with telling a little girl that she's pretty, but that shouldn't be the whole focus. However, 100 times in a short amount of time is a little much...

Smelena,

I agree with you. Too often a girl is told certain things to reinforce stereotypes, and we do the same things with our boys, only in a different way.

I'm dealing with some "boy" issues, and it's been a challenge. The culture sexualizes and objectifies our girls, and coarsens and sexualizes our boys--I talking about the issues I'm dealing with. I think I'm making headway. My niece is fighting to make sure her daughter knows she is a whole person, attractive, smart, funny, athletic...and her youngest, a boy, is already getting the crappy attitudes about boys--and he's a toddler! Can't play with sister's toys, can't wear certain colors, is going to learn how to hunt and fish...thank goodness his dad is not like his grandad. But it's going to be interesting the older K gets.

I'm also dealing with an 18 yo Aspie, who is now mine by default. He has a lot of insecurities. Oh, wow. Some young men on this site just torqued my goat, and those kinds of young men are verboten in my house. My nephew is fine the way he is. He's immature, so he'll be with me for a few more years, and sometimes I am so glad he's Aspie. I hopefully have time to help him with some of this stuff.

The men in my life are going to be a boon in this endeavor, too.

I hope you continue just as you are, Smelena. We can't let these kids get suckered -punched by thoughtlessness. Life is already hard enough.

Metta and karuna, R.

I was always the "interesting" looking cousin.. or "unstereotypically pretty".. which really made me feel bad. My younger female cousin was the angel - long blonde hair, blue eyes, feminine. I was the brown/brown little runt who never liked to wear dresses or put on makeup. But I was the one who used to hang out at parties with the adult members of my family. I was the smart one.

Yet she was always the one getting the most attention. They just talked to me like I was an equal, which isn't bad, but whenever she used to walk by my nan always blurted out "Aww isn't she lovely".

Don't get me wrong.. I like being smart, and I enjoyed talking to them as a child, but once, just once would I like to be complimented.

While I agree that society is too focused on looks, every girl needs to be told that she's pretty/beautiful.

As a child, I was overweight, and I never felt pretty, even though my parents told me every day. Other adults would say I was clever, bright, or something to that degree, but never pretty. "Pretty" was reserved for the slim little girls, not the plump ones like me.

Every little girl needs to be told she's pretty. It really helps in the long run. Of course, this doesn't mean that should be the only feature focused on.

Just my two cents.

-Mist

Yeah, attractiveness is a system of valuing people that starts from birth and goes throughout life. Adult women still feel intense pressure to be attractive. I was lucky in that my parents told me often how intelligent, nice, funny, etc. I was. When I think of aspects of myself that I'm really proud of and happy about, looks don't even register. Of course, I'm not that good looking. And what's the big deal? I can say it off-the-cuff like that because it really doesn't bother me. Being an unattractive woman is not a crime. Why do women HAVE to be attractive? I see plenty of unattractive men out there who are happy and successful. Men just aren't judged as much on looks! Unfortunately, this seems to be changing, with more and more men getting plastic surgery.

I think there is a difference in the way boys and girls attributes are praised because of societal gender roles. Sadly, a lot of people seem to think that a woman shouldn't be TOO intelligent. She should be friendly, nice, demure, cute! Some people really hate a smart woman who can take care of herself. How many times have you heard a group of men reduce a woman walking by to nothing more than a body part? I think it must be hard to be really gorgeous because you get too much attention for your looks and your other qualities are ignored.

If I ever have any daughters, I will tell them they are smart first, and pretty second.

There was an experiment done on a documentary, "The Human Body" I think it was, with Lord Robert Winston. May well have been a different doco, but it really doesn't matter, I guess. Anyway, a baby - can't remember if it was a boy or girl - of about six months of age was dressed in a pink outift and people were to come up and simply interact with the infant. Without fail, both men and women spoke to the baby in gentle tones, touching it softly, telling 'her' how pretty, beautiful, lovely 'she' was.

Then the baby was changed into a blue outfit and another group of people came in to see the baby and, again, simply interact. Now, this same child was being spoken to in firm, growling tones, prodded (albeit gently) and told how big, strong, handsome 'he' was.

I find this fascinating.

Fiona

Maybe it was natural for her to say that? Some people are very visually stimulated. When they see a cute baby, it's all over for them lol. All babies are cute anyway. It's the chubby cheeks, sweet demeanor and the cuddly baby fat that makes us want to tell them how lovable they are.

Sadly, I cannot remember where I read it, and I think it was a Norwegian report, but.. Apparently, kids who are pretty" are picked up by their parents more often than "ugly" kids when they cry...