How do you get rid of people?

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I had to laugh when I read the thread title, because to me it's one of the biggest mysteries of life.

This is why I asked, up in the "NT/AS hotline" thread, what do NTs take as a signal that a person wants to be left alone!? Because no matter what I do, the message doesn't seem to get across. Even at times when I've told people point blank, I want to be left alone, stop contacting me, etc. it doesn't work. Sometimes it just makes them even more aggressive in trying to interact with me! It's really baffling.

I don't let people know where I live, so no one ever comes over to my house and stays too long. I have more trouble with phone calls and email and the like. And people I meet through my job, or run into while I'm out in public, can be really persistent in trying to get personal with me.

Both. There are people who basically mean well, but you give them a little time and attention, and they keep wanting more and more. It doesn't occur to them that you're not getting as much out of it as they are. If you are pleasant to them, they feel good around you and they don't think about how you might feel. They either assume you feel good too, or they just don't care how you feel.

Some people are naturally pushy, and they expect other people to push back because that's their language, that's what they understand. They don't understand subtlety. If the other person doesn't push back, I think they feel confused. They keep pushing until they get the response they want (whatever that is, it varies). Some actually are not satisfied until they get a rise out of you. They like to see placid people get aggressive.

Some really just want the attention and they will take it any way they can get it. Being assertive does not work on them. I have tried it, and I have tried all kinds of ways and means of being assertive, and it does not work. The only thing that works with those folks, is completely cutting them off.



Yeah, I've let things get to that point quite a few times. It only makes things worse, because the other person can get so disturbed, they just can't let it go. Then they would just keep contacting me, out of anger or trying to "fix" things or some of both.

I have been on the other side of that too, and knowing what it's like, I would not want to do that to anyone else. But sometimes I haven't seen any other way to resolve the situation.



I can see where sometimes, if I would have handled things a little different, it might have ended better. But I can't see myself still being friends with any of those people. I've had chances to reconcile with people I fell out with for various reasons, and the second time around I realized I was much better off not having them in my life. So I've stopped having any regrets on that account.

I can't be friends with someone if we have a big mismatch in personality or communication styles. I may genuinely like the person, but if I feel beleaguered every time they contact me, I am not going to be motivated to work things out with them.

I for one totally agree with you. I don't have a problem with lying. I will do it whenever I need to. Like you said, most people do it. Once I figured out that's how the world works, it made things a lot easier for me. But the trouble is, it just doesn't come naturally to me. I have to really think about it and have my answer ready. If I'm put on the spot, it's hard to come up with something. Even just making up some excuse to get off the phone, feels really weird. It doesn't roll off my tongue to say, "oh someone's at the door, gotta go!"

Part of my problem is I was brought up to be TOO polite. My parents acted like the worst thing that could ever happen in life was to offend someone. They taught me to defer to other people, to always consider other people first.

I was very polite as a child, but as I got older, I was more rude. I didn't even try to participate in social niceties. I just stared coldly at people if I didn't like the way they approached me. Things rarely got to the point where I was just tolerating someone being annoying.

At this point in my life...almost every job I've ever had, has involved dealing with customers. All the training I got early in life kicked in so now I have become extremely polite and accomodating. I used to compartmentalize it very neatly into a "work persona"...but now with my current job, I run into people I know all the time, and I still have to be polite to them, even when I'm not working.

I think they are taking my behavior as a sign of personal interest, and they are not understanding that I'm just doing my job. There is one old lady who hugs me now when she sees me, and I don't really mind it too much but I really wish she wouldn't. One time I ran into her outside of work, and had no idea who she was. I just flat out didn't recognize her.

It is distressingly difficult to decide betwixt acid vs. base dissolution. I guess that it depends on whether or not you wish to preserve any bone fragments for your necklaces, bracelets, anklets, ear rings, nose rings, nipple rings, navel rings, or tongue piercings. I have had many a meltdown in quest of this question, I mean, in quest of the answer to this question.

Sometimes people get very nasty if they realize you don't want to spend any more time with them. This is different from people just not realizing you feel the need to move on to other activities or have time to yourself. Sometimes you have to deal with someone being irate, but it's better, in the end, than continuing to endure the situation. I find this problem generally occurs with someone I've discovered I'm uncomfortable with to begin with, if it's someone I don't know well, or someone who's become increasingly judgmental and controlling over the course of a friendship, if it's someone I've known a while. Yes, I think some people look for others they think will be pushovers that they can latch onto. If you are easygoing about whatever another person wants to do when you hang out, because you don't really have strong ideas about it yourself, you may be mistaken by a controlling person as being someone who likes to be controlled. This is one of the social issues we need to learn to be careful about. Until you're aware of it, it's possible to have the same problem over and over again. I did. In the end, it tends to lead to having to be blunt. But, then, so be it. Sometimes there's no polite cover to hide under, because the other person won't allow it. They're offended you won't let them have their way, and they get bent on punishing you for refusing and trying to get away.

Being plain and honest is different from being intentionally rude for no reason. Some people prefer honesty, because it makes them feel respected and trusted by you. Those people will often eventually say as much, one way or another. If they mean it, you'll soon know by watching how consistent they are in their reactions when they encounter honesty. Then you don't have to play games. Those who prefer a soft touch will want to avoid offending others, because they don't want to make anyone dislike them or cause confrontation. These people mean well and want to behave well. They will often take a hint and respond as quickly as they can without seeming too abrupt themselves. If they accidentally miss it, often a further nudge will do the job. Sometimes they'll even apologize if they realize they missed an earlier cue. If they still don't get it after that, so that you have to be more forthright, that's not your fault. You tried. Just get to the point before you get so angry that you're unintentionally mean, because they may find it just as difficult to read others as you do. If someone unpleasant or increasingly inappropriate grabs on and refuses to let go when you try to extract yourself, do what you need to do in order to protect yourself and stick to it. You have rights.

I know from personal experience that having someone in the trunk of your car can get you a ticket...... Oh, you don't mean getting "rid" of them in that way.

The other way, just burn the bridges. Problem is, there are always more people to come along and latch onto you.

I reply in a calm monotone as if they were a crime detective.

I use one of several techniques based on my analysis of the person and the situation. Different situations call for different 'go away' routines. If it's someone I know and don't like, I typically find any possible excuse that I have to be doing something very important, and eventually they quit bothering me. If it's some random person on the street I've never seen before, I typically either feign idiocy so they think I'm some sort of Forrest Gump character, or start into some ridiculously technical explanation so they get bored or think I'm some unintelligible genius or something. If the person shows outward signs of political leanings, I have been known to say something the other political group would say so they'll go away. Ditto with religions or other social topics.

For people that I actually like being around, I try to be honest. Most people I socialize with either know I'm aspie or at least know I'm "different".

For strangers that I dont want to socialize with...talking them in sign language and pointing at my ears works well.

But for people I know, I pretend that I cant hear them, or say Huh?? after they repeated it a few times...then announce, "nevermind" and walk away.

I dont do this too often, but sometimes I need to be by myself and would rather they think I cant hear them (as I am moderately deaf, but can lipread if I want to actually hear what someone was saying) than hurt their feelings.

However some people are so soft spoken and turn their head when talking to me that I say huh a few times, and say nevermind...and walk away out of frustration.

Mom had to teach me that if someone was trying to talk to me....I needed to take the time to try and understand what is being said because it may be important.
My worst offense in communcation is the deaf "smile and nod" when you have no earthly idea what the other person said.
This caused a major problem with my neighbor once...he was talking to me and he is an older man with a raspy voice who I have a hard time understanding sometimes, and he was yaking away and I was smiling and nodding I saw him do a forced smile, so I took it as a cue to say "cool" as if he were saying something good that I had no idea what he was saying. He then yells at me, "whats so cool about that!! my friend just died." I corrected myself and said I misheard you.
I felt really bad about that. Since then, I try not to do the smile and nod...but sometimes I still do. It is easier than anoying ppl by asking them to repeat alot.

I have hearing aids now, but then I didn't. ...they are sooo expensive and dont last very long.

Jojo

Your avatar, is that columbine? Nora barlow?

One day I'll put a picture of dianthus up for my avatar. I mean to but keep forgetting. Maybe I'll wait until I actually have some in bloom, and upload a picture.

Yeah, I do this all the time. I think it contributes to having people hang around when I don't want them to, especially the really talkative types.

It takes a person who is interested in hearing what I have to say, to find out I'm actually not hearing them. Surprisingly (or not) most people don't really care what I have to say in response to them. They just want someone to babble at. They assume I'm a good listener.

Ha me too! I was going to say that I usually bury them in the backyard late at night.

I'm getting the suspicion that about half of the folks in this thread have the last name "Soprano"

I prefer to always use "I" instead of "you," and hold my ground (when I can remember to do this). I don't have to give an explanation regarding how I feel unless I want to.

Speaking of that, I recommend never trying to lie if you feel uncomfortable doing so. Some people take too much honesty as rudeness, and I always have to blame the other person for that. If they can't accept my honesty, then it's probably best that I'm letting them go of as a friend in the first place.

If it's a really bad situation, the sooner and more direct I am the better. "I don't want to be around you. I don't want you to be around me. I don't like you. Go away." Is this considered rude? Perhaps to the other person or anyone else that may be privy to the conversation, but again, that's on them how they decide to take my words. Could I relegate my words to sound less rude? Yes. The question here is do I want to.

There's a fine line between being plainly honest and being rude, and I think that line is drawn between you and the other person. They can either accept your honesty at face value or they can read into it, but that's their choice and their decision and their consequences to deal with. My choice is to be honest (or not, in some cases), and deal with the ramifications of that, not deal with their responses to it. I am not responsible for how they decide to take my words and how they are going to allow my words to make them feel, unless I am intentionally trying to make them feel a certain way, but if I'm not, I'm not responsible for it.

Somewhere above someone mentioned dealing with customers, and I am an office manager with staff under me, and one customer complained that one of my staff was rude. I had actually heard his side of the conversation, and what I concluded was that my staff person was honest, matter-of-fact, and not giving in to the unreasonable demands of the customer, so he came off as "rude." I told him I agreed with him, but that if he could keep in mind that in the professional, customer/employee environment, we have to try to soften our blows. We may be right in everything we say, but if we come off as rude, we'll lose a customer, and the goal is to not lose customers. I think the same advice can be applied to friendships. If you are intentionally trying to lose a friend, then be honest and matter-of-fact and don't worry about appearing rude, but if you are trying to put off the person or otherwise keep and salvage that friendship, then it's best to try and soften the blow.

I was mainly thinking of an Aspie needing to get rid of an NT... Other Aspies I'd assume wouldn't be as offended by just saying "I need to say goodbye now, because I'm ready to be alone now. I enjoyed the visit, and let's get together again Friday at 2, if you want". Honestly, I don't have much of any experience with other Aspie people in person though.

Charles

Wood chipper also a possibility (but is messier (probably)).