Social Failure Blues Again

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Anyone have advice for dealing with extended family? I've been "frozen out" again after being polite and have no idea what I did. I don't like the people doing the "freezing" but this is the second time this has happened to me recently (my son in law's family also, "froze" me out of an engagement party(briefly met me at a wedding planning meeting) and didn't say one word to me at the wedding except to insult me. I don't care about or like them at all, but again, I thought I was polite. Now, I'll have to be living near my husband's parents and some other extended family of his soon. I am moving with my husband to South Carolina where he grew up, and now he wants to retire there. I didn't want to live in SC away from my friends and (grown) son, and I have tried almost everything to avoid going and so far, no money to avoid it. He earns almost all of our income, over $200,000 a year vs my small amount of about 800 a month, so if I leave him I'll be extremely poor. It's excruciating for me to deal with people in the South in general, I'm from NYC and autistic, but it's not very obvious and I can "pass" as non-autistic with most people. It has been true in my experience that the famous "southern hospitality" is reserved for southerners only, and adding to my "northern" cultural differences, is my autism, atheism ( I keep that to myself here in the bible belt, but have hinted at it when being proselytized in public). I was in SC for a month(extended stay hotel right near my inlaws house) while getting our house ready to move to, and my husband was in NYC, he's still working, and my inlaws, who have always been a bit snarky but polite, oddly didn't extend an invitation to Christmas dinner. They've been cold and made it clear that I don't matter enough to explain why I'm being frozen out, which is fine with me, I don't like these people either. They're not very liked in the small town they live in (when I give the family name and start talking to people, no one who knows them seems to think much of them. They're basically seen as a**holes I suspect). But what is bothering me is, I will be living near them I need to figure out how to avoid them without being confrontational. In addition to that, the social failure of me thinking I was polite and now being ostracized by two extended families worries me----I don't like any of these people at all, but it's important to my daughter and to my husband that there isn't trouble with inlaws, who for some reason, dont' want anything to do with me and won't say why. This doesn't happen with people I care about, my friends( all four of them) get me, and care about me. But I keep alienating people that matter to people I care about--what to do?? Advice please??

You know, it's entirely possible that they are azzholes. That you haven't done anything wrong. That they are just like that.

Obviously, I'm not there, so I can't really judge. But it is a possibility.

They aren't very liked by other people either, true. But I see it as a failure on my part to have not gotten along with them.Somehow I serioulsy offended them and I have no idea how, and this worries me. I'm wondering if that level of social skill (to get along with crappy people) is just beyond me? But it's an important skill and I want to work on it. Getting along with people I really like is easier but still hard enough.But this seems impossible and I really want to be able to do it.

In-law problems are some of the most common problems in the world.
The cliche goes, "nobody is a good enough wife for my son/brother/whatever" ...
... so whoever you are, they'd be prejudiced ...
it's not you, it's them.

Likewise, not all family members are loving and supportive.
Especially these days.

Hopefully things will get better.
It will take a change of hearts.

Please don't think of yourself as a social failure.
If these people can't even have the decency to communicate with you openly as a family should,
when all you are trying to do is make things right,
to the point where it sounds like you're apologizing and you don't even know why,
it sounds like they have a problem.

Thanks for the encouragement and the insight. I think of myself as a social failure not in general, but yes, in this particular instance, since I failed to not offend these easily offended people.... Maybe I am being a bit hard on myself. Any advice on how to avoid social occasions? These people have no friends but they do a lot of family socializing that I want no part of (excruciating with everyone uncomfortable) I'd love advice on how to avoid that now I'll be living in SC, it wasn't a problem in Manhattan, they were almost an eight hour drive away, it was nice. Now I'll be twenty minutes away from most of them and about an hour from the rest. Help?

"I'm sorry, but I have other plans."
"Sorry we can't make it that day, we're just really busy."
I'm sorry, my husband (name) and I have other plans."
I'm sorry we can't make it."
"Oh wow, life's just been crazy busy lately, I'm afraid I can't come."

In this case, you can apologize all you want ... it's just a matter of politeness and the socially acceptable thing to do. The one thing to watch is tone of voice and facial expression, which should both be gentle, calm, kind, good-natured smiling and/or expressive of courteous disappointment at having to decline an invitation.

And it's not a lie ... your other plans can include anything from taking a vacation trip to Hawaii, going to the movies, eating out with your hubby at an Italian restaurant, clothes shopping, taking a bath, watching TV while eating popcorn, or navel-gazing ... and it's nobody's business what your plans are. You don't owe them an explanation, especially when they've shown that they're not willing to communicate openly with you.

Note, mainly aimed at myself: (The main thing is to avoid coming across as smirking, smart-alecky, or sarcastic ... which I bring up because I can be really sarcastic when I want to, which is not a good way for me to be in certain social situations, but is a temptation of mine because I sometimes flaunt being a non-conformist.)

...

Some people may ask, where do I as an Aspie learn this stuff?
There's actually a really good website I've found with tons of helpful YouTube videos about how to deal with social situations, featuring Marie Dubuque. I really recommend her. Here's a link.

Marie Dubuque -- YouTube Videos on Handling Social Situations

...

I grew up in southern Virginia and sad to say but there are a lot of ignorant, coarse, judgmental and rude people in the south. I hope you can find friends and make a life for yourself there. I also think your husband has a responsibly to make sure his inlaws treat you with dignity and respect.

I have a few rhetorical questions that could help you gain insight into the situation.

Do you think it's possible that they may have picked up on your unease?

Do you think that maybe after picking up on your unease they may have thought you were passing judgment on them, were they live, what they do, what they believe in, etc?

What was, is, and will be your expectations of them and are they reasonable? Sounds like you have some predictions already as to your expectations which influences how you interact/respond to others and how you interpret others and their responses.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate it. I have decided already to have lots of "other things" legitimately to do because social interactions always are hard for me even with people I understand and who I like...so saying "I can't " is nothing new to me, I'll be ok. My version of things is colored by my dislike for my inlaws I suppose---I started out liking them more but they were just either condescending or outright hostile or exclusionary of me depending on which one of them it was and it just wears me down. I hope I'm understanding of our differences, in religion for example. I've never brought up religion or politics and neither have they, which is nice. If asked outright if I'm atheist ( I am) I think I would say that basically, yes I am and not lie. But I've known them ten years and it's never come up yet, I suspect it won't. I am certain that they've picked up on how uncomfortable I am in certain social situations, there is no way I can hide it and maybe they have interpreted that as me not liking them ( at one time I sort of did like them. They were never who I'd pick to be around, but now I really don't like them at all). I think the best course of action is for me to avoid them like I do whenever I find myself around people I find difficult, which is to ghost, and now I've been ostracized by people I wanted to ghost on anyway. I need nothing from them, which is nice----I don't like them so I don't need their company, I'm not inheriting money from them (my husband will and we don't even need it ) they aren't my bosses, or even my neighbors exactly. It'll be fine. Thanks everyone for listening to me say things I can't say anywhere else. My husband thinks I like them, since I've never said a bad thing about them ever to him, and I won't. My friends hear about it though lols. Thanks so much everyone.