Cruel(lest) ways you've been rejected?

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You've taught me an important lesson here. Thank you very much.

I go even further than that. Many people often lie and use you for their own gain. Them telling you that they like you may just be another ploy.

I always assume that they do not like me, they are just being polite. That avoids many of the problems above. That may mean that I do not make many friends. But I would rather be alone than taken advantage of or spurned like in these stories. I have had enough of that.

Last edited by mitharatowen on 03 Mar 2009, 2:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

this is what happens with me. Someone can be nice to me and i thik that means they are my friend.
I recently had a situtation develop like this with a soc alled "friend" and then i found that everything was words and promises and no actions. It took me months to realise what others learn in a sentence or a conversation. i thought because they were nice to me and said the right things that was what friendship was about.

Again, i feel pretty broken and the trust of people is shattered yet again.

i am like a little kid in this regard.

Me too. I tend never to look on the bright side. So many times in the past I've thought someone did like me, or was at least okay with me, then heard them laughing at me behind my back, so now even if someone seems to be being nice, I just assume they're either making fun of me, or just being civil because they have to. I have huge difficulties trusting people.

I used to be this way, and this this sort of thinking is exactly where the comment from my husband that I mentioned several pages back came from. It may seem a safer way to go, but in the end you not only end up without friends, but you end up alone period. Fighting negativity with negativity will only end up you being the one hurt, along with your spouse, and children (if you have any). My fear of rejection almost cost me my marriage, and thus more rejection.

I think that I've just decided that if I make a friend or two then that's great, but if not, I'm okay with that, too. I'm leery of people, but I don't pick apart every last thing that they say, every last look they give me in trying to decide if they're being genuine, or not. I used to do this, and I came across as not only negative, but quite self-centered, because I always was thinking about me, and how people treated me. Of course, I have to intellectualize social situations, because I don't do it by intuition, but i don't have to do it from such a negative perspective. I hope none of this is coming off as offensive, it's just that I've been there done that, and I'm sharing what I learned the hard way. Everybody's experiences will vary, but this was mine.

As far as waiting for someone to tell you that they consider you a friend goes... I've had several experiences to where someone would tell me that I was such great friend ect.. but it was just lip service. There wasn't anything in their actions to back up what they were saying. I'd think they really meant that we were friends, but when I'd call them I'd start getting the " I've been so busy" line. I'd find out that they were out visiting other people that live near me, but never came to visit me, and I never got any invites out to do anything. I finally got tired of being the one to call all of my "friends" and I decided to wait for them to call me. I'm still waiting, and it's been about a year, longer for some of them.

I guess I can add my ex (the one I was with for 6 years) to the list.

Since we split up on the 1st September 2007, she has been continually sending me text messages and calling me, almost every day. She would take any available opportunity to see me, also.

Until about 3 weeks ago. She came over 2 weeks ago, and told me she had a new boyfriend "for the past month". This was after she always told me to tell her first whenever I met anyone new. She complained when I left it just one day after meeting my most recent ex, but left it a month before telling me when it was her.

I've spoken to her on messenger tonight, for the first time in 2 weeks, and she said she 'can't talk to me any more.' I asked why and she said something very vague. She said she didn't want to cause me any more hassle. Then hurriedly went offline.

All of a sudden, someone who I 'knew' I could rely on to be around, someone who truly cared, and who knew virtually everything about me and STILL stuck around, has decided to cut all contact.

I have yet to see where this is for my own good. In fact, there seems to be nothing good about it, not even for her.

((((hugs))))

~Loving Light~

She was probably bullying another student.

I can name a lot of situations, however, I will name a few.

When I was 20, I moved in with two women 6 and 8 years older than I was. As usual, they rejected me for being younger, but also because they thought I was weird. For example, one of the roommates told me that it wasn't working out because I wasn't responsible to live there, which I wasn't. However, she also said that I had good qualities but it just wasn't the right fit for me. And then, as the nerve of her, I was told that she was having a party for people 21 and older and that I had to stay out because I wasn't her age.

When I was 21, I was seeing another guy on the spectrum who wanted to be normal. First, he acted like he wanted to see me but then turned me away just because I saw The Two Towers 5 times.

Pretty much. I'd befriend the Muslim lads at college otherwise but there's a double-edged problem of integrating for that, and matter of interests. But yeah, no longer teetotal but my plans to live to be at least 120 get in the way of getting drunk.

God, this was like me to a "T" when I was younger. In fact, ever since then, I just assume most people don't like me, cause I can't tell if they really like me, or are just being nice. A few people I'm cool with, but for the most part I don't do much social engaging really.

I remember my mom used to have this friend of hers, and she used to bring her kids Jimmy and Johnny along for me to play with....I'm sure you can figure out that most of the time they kept to themselves...by that I mean they did stuff together, but without me.

Most of the stuff I read here SO sounded like me when I was younger.

And yes, I'm also easily pulled in by the "wrong" people, cause they're the ones that appear to give me the time of day. But I've been "cracking down" as of late, and letting "the axe drop", and the idiots are scrambling where they may.

I'd forgotten about such things as this! When people say I am their good friend then don't make contact for years, it confuses me. After a while, I assume we've both moved on. There's this one person I met 13 years ago and haven't seen for 6 years. After assuming we'd moved on, he confused me by sending an email a couple of years later, saying how I'm a good friend. After replying back and forth over a couple of messages, the contact would cease. Another extended period of time without contact would leave me assuming that was the end of it. Then I'll get another random email a couple of years later saying I'm such a good friend and the cycle repeats. It does not worry me whether they maintain contact or not, but it's hard to figure out what's going on there.

you know the most hurtful rejections are the subtle eye contact other people make when you say or do something and you're just onto it enough to realize it but too clumsy to do anything about it. it is so hurtful

I've been fighting this all of my life too. One day though, you get to a stage where you discover something important. Ignorance and rejection is a weakness from within the other person. A problem if you must, one that (only they) can change. At the time it feels nasty and hurtful yes, but just remember they are the ones who need to change their attitude, not you. This leads me to ask the question, are they the socially clumsy ones?

Nobody is perfect, not even the undiagnosed. Yet nobody is without their faults either where, ignorance-arrogance and urge to bat people away is a sharp reminder.

Don't forget though...you can't change other people. You can only change yourself, and how you react to other people.

Things like this is what makes relationships so hard for people with AS.

1. Never interpret politeness for "friendship."

2. Beware of those who will claim and act like friends to exploit you.

3. You won't get love unless you give love.

Talk about a recipe for disaster.

In my life, I've learned to take chances. I've been hurt and rejected enough times to know what the odds are when I take a chance, but I accept 100% that if you never risk getting hurt, you'll never know the reward of having a friend or a lover.

It may sound a bit brutish, but people with AS are forced to get a "thicker hide" than NT people because with how AS affects our ability to have "normal" relationships with others, we are often misunderstood and (ultimately) hurt more often than not. Still, if we never risk the hurt, we'll never know the benefits.

I spent a long time alone for fear of being hurt. There was also a time when I would deliberately hurt others so they would not like me...all because I was more able to handle being rejected...I didn't know what I would do if someone actually liked me. Talk about a twisted way to live life.

However, I think people growing up with AS today have it 1,000,000 times better than those of us who are older ever could have. If you are a young person now in a world where AS is understood, at least you can find places like this to learn more about yourself. If you can find a supportive group of people (even if they are all NT) and they know about your AS, you can start building decent social relationships with people who may go the extra length to not only accept you, but to help correct your awkward conduct so you can deal with strangers better.

None of that was around when I was growing up. AS wasn't even known in the USA until I was 26, and I did the lionshare of damage to myself in my life before I was 21.

I wish there was an easy recipe for an AS person to know when people were genuine in their friendships and when they were not, but if it's any consolation, from what I know of NTs, they don't have it that much better either. Politeness is a very weak glue that adheres the facade of civility onto society. NTs typically say that you can know who your real friends are by who is standing next to you when all Hell is breaking loose. NTs are routinely hurt by those "sunshine friends" who hang about when it's good times but abandon them when times get rough. If NTs have a hard time knowing who are truly friends, I suppose the matter is complex for everyone.

If AS taught me anything it's that I'd rather only have one person in my life who I knew I could trust with my life than 100 "friends" who would betray or abandon me in my hour of need. NTs who are burned in such situations adopt that view. NTs say that at the end of one's life, it is common to be able to count the number of TRUE friends on a single hand. Consider the multitude of people NT people know or befriend in a lifetime and that the average one maybe only has 5 people who would deserve the mantle of "true friend." That puts a lot of it in perspective.

True. Also, It may be worth noting that there is a difference between being slightly constructive about someone in their best interest, and being nasty and spiteful. I think it's very important to learn these boundaries so that you learn how to act in that given situation. I still struggle to work out when someone is being serious, or joking and whether they are just playing or being helpfully constructive. That comes with trust though, obviously if you meet someone and they start making comments then it's probably best to detach or take it with a pinch of salt