donkey wrote:
what trhe heck is it first?
your first explanation was unhlep full
What, "A strong suspicion, hardening to conviction, that whatever the relative values of myself against others, the whole business of existence is empty, futile and without meaning."
It's a realisation that whatever you do or choose, it's about as useful and significant as re-arranging deckchairs on the Titanic.
(were you to realise you were on the Titanic, then possibly getting really interested in deckchair arranging would be the best you could do, if you could manage it.)
Shakespeare saw it when he said, in Macbeth, life "is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."
It's a thread that can be traced though a variety of writers and sources. It's never been the mainstream, but it's there.
It's a dark view of the world that most people duck, consciously or unconsciously.
"What do you want?"
"I want the truth"
"You can't handle the truth!" Nicholson/Cruise, "A Few Good Men"
Or Douglas Adams' Total Perspective Vortex,
which shows people their place in the universe, and therefore destroys their minds.