self hate

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13 Sep 2011, 2:25 pm

This is a board about Asperger's and Autism not Emotional dysregulation or BPD. If you look up treatments for Personality Disorders, you will find better options and actual things you can investigate.

Joe90
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13 Sep 2011, 3:18 pm

Quote:

I dont believe in fairy tales of previous lifetimes, no one here has any good advice.

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice, but I do strongly know how you feel. I'm not the sort to say ''oh stop whinging on the web and get a life'', because that does not help matters with one's self-esteem. That's just criticism.

Self-hatred comes from poor self-esteem. It happens to a lot of people. I'm not sure if it's common among Aspies or not, since I'm not the type to associate all my thoughts on AS, but I do know that AS doesn't help when you're the type who's prone to self-hatred. Let's just put it that way.

But for those on the spectrum who suffer with self-hatred, sometimes it may come from too much self-awareness. Unlike most NTs, those of us who are very self-aware may be self-conscious yet clueless of how to not draw attention to ourselves, then regret it afterwards. It's horrible being trapped in the ''inbetween'' category. It's OK when you're not sensitive to attention from other people. And it's OK when you don't want attention drawn to yourself. But when you don't want attention drawn to yourself but you do draw attention to yourself, it's a little more tricky, and you spend your whole life frowning upon the things you do and when you make embarrassing social faux pas it makes you feel more unconfident, and you give off unwanted body language without your knowing.....it just becomes too overwhelming. I'm guessing this is how you feel, so it's only natural to hate yourself. I'm born a sensitive person, and it's tied up with my personality, so I can't quite escape from it. I've worked on a lot of things in the passed few years, like wearing nice things, and trying to not overreact when I'm out in public, but sometimes things slip out or I do stupid things because of my absent-mindedness, then I can't help regreting it afterwards. It's really horrible. I am an extrovert Aspie, which I cannot change. I like having friends. I like being liked. I don't like criticism and being judged or teased. It matters to me, and it matters to others out there too.

Also, being told I give off vibes without meaning to really make my guts clench up and I think, ''oh my god!! !'' I just feel so helpless in helping myself. How can you feel good about yourself when you give off vibes?

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anneurysm
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13 Sep 2011, 7:43 pm

auntblabby wrote:

these may seem like platitudes, but i can only tell you what worked for me. it was to the point where i was trying to off myself in manifold passive ways ["accident" prone-ness, bad diet, not taking care of myself in general, just wishing to die above all] when i started getting this extremely vivid dreams telling me basically why my life was so lousy, and it boiled down to bad karma from previous lifetimes in which i was an evil person, so in this lifetime i was being given a big taste of my own medicine. also i was told that i volunteered for this lifetime to atone for my sins, and so if i didn't take my medicine in this lifetime i'd only be putting it off to a future one, and so i'd be better off manning up and getting it done in this lifetime. the first thing was to stop hating myself, as it was not me that was bad but the lifetime i was living. so i started taking better care of myself and making my own refuge from the evil world. i figured if nobody was going to love me or even give me the time of day, then i would just have to love myself and give myself the time of day, IOW take care of my own needs and to hell with anybody else. i started exercising again and got back into reasonable shape, so at least now i can look at myself in the mirror and like what i see. that was a big help all by itself. plus being physically fit translates directly into greater mental clarity also, which aids the psyche by way of better [less negative] thinking. "Automatic Negative Thoughts" ["ANTs"] were a big problem of mine, [IOW "you're no good! you'll never amount to anything! you're ugly! etc."] so i had to get rid of those, and the way i did it was after i read someplace that the average human mind could only hold in working memory, one discrete thought at one time, so when an ANT would pop up i would immediately and with extreme prejudice, shove it out of the way with another thought, any other thought. i can't count the number of times i made myself think "I LIKE ICECREAM!! !" because it was the most vivid and "loud" thought i could think of to supercede the ANTs. but it worked, and now i have moved on to a wider repertoire of replacement thoughts whenever i get the blues. yet another thing i do is i stick to the schedule of "just for today"-

"Just For Today"-

*Just for today: I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once. I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overhwhelm me if i had to keep it up for a lifetime.
*Just for today: I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine.
*Just for today: I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things that i can correct and accept those I cannot.
*Just for today: I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer.
*Just for today: I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. I will improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking.
*Just for today: I will refrain from improving anybody but myself.
*Just for today: I will something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. If I am overweight, I will eat healthfully - if only *just for today. And not only that, I will get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block.
*Just for today: I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions.

The beauty of "just for today" is that you don't have to do the whole ball of wax, you can start on just one of 'em and work your way up from there. And it is just for today, as tomorrow is just another [to]day.

i don't hate you so don't you go hating yourself, now, y'hear? :wink:

^^^^LOVE this list. I even copied it into a notepad document that I can open easily if I am caught in negative thought.

Thanks, auntblabby!

Another thing that works well (for myself at least) is practicing mindfullness meditation. I encourage everyone to look it up and perhaps take a class...they are popping up everywhere and has been empirically proven to be helpful.

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Given a “tentative” diagnosis as a child as I needed services at school for what was later correctly discovered to be a major anxiety disorder.

This misdiagnosis caused me significant stress, which lessened upon finding out the truth about myself from my current and past long-term therapists - that I am an anxious and highly sensitive person but do not have an autism spectrum disorder.

My diagnoses - social anxiety disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I’m no longer involved with the ASD world.

littlelily613
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13 Sep 2011, 9:54 pm

When I figure it out, I will share the secret with you. I don't think it is an easy feat at all. Maybe counselling? But that hasn't worked for me...so I don't know why I am suggesting it....

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Joe90
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14 Sep 2011, 10:48 am

Post deleted.

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Last edited by Joe90 on 15 Sep 2011, 2:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

monstermunch
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14 Sep 2011, 12:01 pm

http://www.selfesteemawareness.com/self-hate.htm

This basically explains it. No wonder its common in people on the spectrum, and for some of us NTs aswell.

auntblabby
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15 Sep 2011, 12:05 am

^^^
good link, MM :wtg:

Joe90
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15 Sep 2011, 2:43 pm

It's all due to anxiety, bad experiences, and feeling left out.

But I also know what causes it the most, and that is awkwardness. I know I am a very awkward person, and that doesn't mean it's intentional. Like when I go into shops and always seem to be standing in somebody's way - it makes me feel awkward, especially when the person I'm with isn't in anybody's way. It makes me look even more awkward.

Or when unexpected things happen, and I don't quite know how to deal with them. Like for example, if I was walking down a street with a lot of cars whizzing by, and I suddenly approached some roadworks ahead of me which are blocking the pavement and I can't get past without either stepping out onto the busy road or crossing the busy road, and I find dealing with busy roads very difficult because of my difficulties with judging distances. Then I just end up feeling awkward, and wish the roadworks weren't there so that I could just carry on walking, out of harm's way.

I react slowly to a lot of things, which is why I find it difficult to stand up for myself. This can be very awkward at times. I always react in the wrong way. Like for example, at my volluntary job when the manager got annoyed with me for standing about doing nothing (because I find it hard to use my initiative) so she said in a fed up huffy sort of voice, ''can you start sorting these bags out here, please?!'' and stupid me just gave a laugh and said in a low, monotone voice, ''yer, sorry, silly me for standing about....'' when she didn't really want to hear something like that. Instead I should have just stood in a ''cool'' sort of expression and just said, ''right then'', in a confident way, instead of laughing all the time. I know it may sound nice to react in a positive sort of way, but it isn't. It's just asking to be teased really, because people soon think that I will answer like that to anything. But I just don't think at the time. I may notice non-verbal cues of other people, but my mind just takes about a second or two to process the information, which is why I always react in a way I didn't want to, then have to pay for it later. It just makes me feel so awkward all the time.

I've left the volluntary job now, but I felt very awkward when I went back to say hello last week, because everybody was busy, and nobody really wanted to just quickly step out to just have a quick chat to me (like they would for others, whether they were really busy or not). So I just stood there like a lemon, and tried to say a few friendly things but nobody really listened. So I just said, ''bye'', and left. I heard a few people utter the word ''bye'', but I didn't feel very welcome. And yet, when other vollunteers who have left and came back to visit, they were greeted really nicely. I think being unpopular makes me feel awkward.

This is why I hate myself so much.

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