Half Asperger, half NT, high IQ

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@ deltafunction: misdiagnosis is part of the reason that I'm not really looking for an official diagnosis. My son, for instance, was observed by the school psychologist, who than said she didn't see any strong autistic traits; but when he developed a new tic, she seemed to be unsure about her findings. We also had to fill out a questionnaire, much like the Aspie quiz, with questions like 'did he avoid eye contact when he was a toddler'. Needless to say, I was not impressed with the diagnostic tools used here, and even in a multidisciplinary team, it still comes down to observation and filling out questionnaires.

@ inthistogether: your story very much ressembles mine. It wasn't until the school teacher pointed out that he was showing some autistic traits, that I realised I was more or less the same as a kid.

As I said, I'm not really looking for a diagnosis, but it would be nice if people would understand that my temporary moments of social blindness are not rudeness or indifference. I don't want to take 'a step back', like Rascal pointed out, but I would like to come to a point where I don't have the feeling that I'm acting, or pretending to be someone else.

I don't know if there's 'nothing to gain', Rascal. Just reading all your stories makes me feel less of an alien. For a very long time, I almost believed I just had a bad personality. That I was rude and indifferent, although I didn't feel that way at all. I've had a period of suicidal thoughts and severe depression, and if I would have read all this then, I think it might have helped me.

I think there is a lot to gain, even if you don't actually qualify for a diagnosis. I have found that gaining an understanding of myself has been helpful, both in terms of self-esteem (no, I really am not simply lazy or not trying hard enough), and in more practical terms (understanding why exactly I come off as snobbish so I can take corrective action when necessary), or understanding that I can be very literal sometimes and making myself take a step back to think it through, or realizing that sometimes I can be duped by people because I key into certain things at the expense of recognizing other things.

It is sometimes difficult being in this middle space, though. Shadowland. I actually find that WP helps that.

I have been reading about PDD NOS, BAP and thinking about all of your comments.
I also confined in a friend and told her about my, for the lack of another word, 'problems'. She didn't even seem surprised, and told me - in a very nice way, btw - that she wouldn't be surprised if I was on the spectrum, and that she thought of me as the 'least accessible girl she knew'. It was said in a nice way, and I was able to laugh about it.

Still, it makes me think how I come across to other people. I'm so sensitive about this, to the point that when I don't feel 'social' enough, I will avoid any contact with other people. These periods can last for months. I am a freelancer who works at home, and I can go for weeks without actually having to talk to someone. I am starting to worry if this is 'healthy'. I also have a tendency to 'numb' myself with alcohol and marihuana at the end of the day just to be able to 'shut down', and that's worrying me too. Not to mention episodes of depression, which I thought was SAD, and panic attacks that might be meltdowns.

But what worries me the most, is how this intereferes with my parenting. I am positive that I do 'ok' as a mom, but I know I have a low tolerance level for many things. I'm worried that this might put a strain on my kid. I know I have been very angry with him for misbehaving, while other parents might have been more patient, more forgiving, less demanding in these cases. My son's father also pointed out that I have a habit of 'exaggerating' when it comes to this.
Also, this brings back horrible memories of my mom freaking out over little things like drinking from her bottle of water, or leaving toothpaste splashes on the bathroom mirror. I understand now that she propbably has PDD NOS, BAP, or Asperger herself and couldn't help it.
But I really, really, don't want to be like her. It's hard enough growing up when you're not neurotypical 'enough', but having a mother who's tolerance level is below average, just makes it worse.

I understand more or less why my son acts 'differently', why he struggles with certain things. And in the end, It doesn't even matter weither his issues are because of an autisme spectrum disorder, or because of his giftedness. But I have a lot problems finding a way to deal with them, how to react to certain things. I'm never sure weither or not to make a big deal about certain things, and I do feel like I'm overwhelmed in situations where, looking at it afterwards, I should just have stayed calm and let it blow over.

I am trying to find a professional to help me with his. Meanwhile, if you have any advice to give me, I would highly appreciate it. I'm especially curious what Inthistogether has to say about this, but everyone else that can relate to this, please let me know.

I think the thing that has helped me the most when dealing with my kid is teaching myself to first think "This is neurology. He/she can't help it." When I start from the point of view that it is neurology, I find myself more inclined to address it logically instead of emotionally. Sometimes when I start thinking it through logically, I realize that it is NOT neurology, but personality, willful disobedience, typical-age-appropriate-kid-ness, or something else. But by that point, I have been calmly thinking about it for long enough that my emotional response is tempered and it allows me to address the non-neuro issue from a more logical and goal-directed place.

Of course, sometimes I fly off the handle or respond in a way I wish I wouldn't have. The only thing to do then is to openly acknowledge it, apologize, and ask for forgiveness.

I also try to remember what it was like to grow up with a parent on the close-to-NT-side of the spectrum (my dad, though we didn't know it at the time and I still don't know if he really sees it). I work, on a daily basis, to not be that parent. I have long since forgiven my dad. He did the best he could. He also didn't know...not about his own wiring, nor mine...so he was literally flying blind. I have the benefit of knowledge and understanding. So I work. Every day. Some days go better than others, but I know that both of my kids know that I try to be fair and compassionate in all of my dealings. When "mistakes" happen, we talk about it, hug, and move on.

Regarding my own tendency toward seclusion...I limit it. I try to keep some degree of connection with a small group of people. I think if I worked from home right now I would have to put in even more effort in this area. People skills are skills. You can learn them, but if you don't use them, they become rusty. Luckily, my job requires that I interact with others (some days quite a bit) and there are a handful of people at work that I "socialize" with, all though it is never outside of work. For me, personally, I would suggest you try to keep some form of socialization in your life so that you don't slide backwards. There was a time in my life that I could more easily tolerate meeting new people because I did it all the time. Now I really don't want to do it. So I know I lost some skills.

Good luck to you. Knowledge is power. Now that you've gained some you are in a place to move in a positive direction. It's a good place to be.

@Inthistogether: that's some solid advice. I guess I asssumed I needed to make some kind of assessment of the situation and react accordingly, which gave me a lot of stress. But what you said makes perfect sense. By assuming there is a neurological cause to whatever is causing distress, you bypass the emotional response that you would have due to willfull disobedience, which enables you to deal with thatever you're facing in a more calm and rational way, even it turns out to be willfull obedience after all.

You should write a book.

And you are right about rusty people skills. The more I stay away, the harder it gets to 'pick it up'. And I usually enjoyed other people's company. Lately, not so much.
I'll try harder.

'Practice more' does sound a lot better. And it fits perfectly with one of my mantras, 'everything is training'.

And thank you, mikassyna, for relating.
I'm going to take a look in the parents section.

@LupaLuna; you are right, things look ok on the outside, not so much on the inside. And, I think they sometimes don't even look good on the outside. I think most people just think I'm a little weird. As I said somewhere in this thread, my friend recently said I was 'the least accessible woman she knew'. Another friend told me, in a conversation about our friendship, that he 'thought I was talented and funny'. This in reply to me saying I considered him to be my best friend. I guess I'm not 'warm' enough for people to consider me as a true friend. I don't get lonely that much, I like to be alone a lot, but sometimes I really do feel on the wrong planet.

I guess the biggest problems are my low tolerance level and my depressive episodes.
I'm trying to find a therapist in my area wh's experienced with highly intelligent adults on the spectrum, but so far, no luck.