Telling people I am LISTENING

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Okay. I'm going to be blunt me and tell you what your friend is not saying literally. Your friend cannot help you with this. You need to get help with co-dependency. Your relationship ended awhile ago, so the ex should no longer be hurting you unless A) you still have contact or B) you are still mulling over this relationship in your mind. Either way, it doesn't matter. You are still co-dependent on that abuse and you need professional help to break that cycle. You can keep doing what you are doing now and you will never get over this. Or, you can go get help for your co-dependency and break free. That's it. Those are your choices.

Well all I can say which I think already has been said is that you need really make sure that this friend is trying to help you or harm you. Having her to tell you to listen when you are listening is just gets annoying. Maybe you could take a comical apporach to her and start using a cone of paper and put it on your ear. Then say I'm listening.

She is my friend of 2 years - not 7. Sorry for the confusion.

My friend did go through a life changing experience and she does have her own bad problems. I guess that because she is so brilliant and wise most of the time that I assume that she never has a bad day and can always put up with me telling her about how I hurt.

She knows quite well not to tell people about her own persistant physical pain so maybe that is why she thinks I should hide my mental pain.

Sorry I confused people mentioning two problems at once. My ex partner is gone - I never want to see her again in my life. That seven year relationship really messed me up but I dont want to talk about it here.

This is NOT the person I was calling my friend.

My friend who I am talking about I have only known for 2 years. It is possible that I thought we were better friends than we really were.

I shall try to go back to her and say that what I said was said in anger and that she gets it bad because I go to her for support more often than I should

Hi ZanneMarie,

Thanks - I am trying to take your advice. Honest

I really thought I was doing what you suggest. I'm on anti depressants. I am totally avoiding my ex and any event where she might be. I'm losing touch with lots of friends because of that. I've gone through two counselling courses - but am starting with a new counsellor who has specific skill and experience in that area.

My aspie-like problems were worst off as a teenager but I slowly improved my skills but it has only been in the last couple of years that I've had such really bad problems.

Alex,

Aspies hate change and this is major change. Just make sure that the counselor you see specializes in co-dependency. It would also be good for you to join a group for co-dependents. You might have to tell them that you're Aspie and you have no "off" switch when you talk so they'll have to say stop, but it would be good for you to get into a group where you can discuss this issue with others who have a vested interest. Yes, they will have to clarify a lot when they speak if you are there, but look at it this way, it will force them to speak logically about their own problems and see things they might otherwise miss if they have to explain it to an Aspie.

You will have to be more open than usual though, people in these groups call you on co-dependent behavior. It is going to remind you of being picked on in school (if you were). Just remember that they do that to everyone in the group and it's not because you are Aspie.

Also, think about taking a college course in a subject you like. Go to a museum, the library, the aquarium, a movie. Sometimes doing things by yourself and liking them can help you see that you can be okay with who you are. Get to know you completely. Lean to like that person. If you think you lack certain skills that your partner had (say balancing the checkbook, cooking, etc.), take a class and learn how to do it for yourself. Just one by one break all those things down.