"I have autism" is terribly hard to say

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It definitely is and isn't something I freely admit to anyone, I probably could count it on one hand the amount of times I said it out loud. I dunno why, I guess it embarrasses me, asking for help with almost anything for me is really humiliating and I imagine that's why I am where I am in life. I feel ashamed in myself a lot, by the fact that I need help while others get by with none. I've spent my whole life pretending to be "normal" but looking at my life, I fail pretty hard at it. This ship didn't sink in middle of the ocean, it never left the harbor. My perceptions of myself and how I think other people perceive me aren't really based in any reality but my own, I can be paranoid or worry about anything almost. I'm the oldest child of 4 and my two brothers are 11 months and 27 months younger than me so I've spent most life trying to be invulnerable, I had to dominant older brother. It's childish thinking that has persisted for me into adulthood.

It's not a healthy way of life and I'm trying to change. It's cliche but it is true, the hardest is the first one and that is to admit you have a problem. I've suffered silently and alone and it has gotten me nothing in life, I'm seeking help now because I cannot go on living like this. I've spent so many years putting up walls and burning bridges that it's hard even online when I make my feeble attempts at connecting with other people, it's hard to essentially start from scratch. I use to think that my anxiety had lessened over the years since I've left school but I think it has more to do with a pathological avoidance of all outside stressors.

I have told the people I work with that I have autism. Do they think any less of me? No. They have told me that autism then explains my eccentric ways. They also express to others that they think I am really smart and that I should go on Jeopardy. I explain that I only go into depth on topics that I know a lot about. A lot of the topics on Jeopardy I don't know a lot about. But they still say I would do well there. They don't hold a negative stigma to autism. I have told people that know me I have autism and shown them books that I am featured in where I have written about my experiences with autism. They think that is cool and do not hold a negative stigma about autism. The many people I have told, including family, treats me no different now than they did before I revealed my diagnosis. People now know the reason for my eccentricities. That is a positive for them and me.

I've never said out loud to someone that I'm autistic. I kinda wish everyone knew though.... I think it would make things easier.

It took a while for women to be accepted by society as equals, and the same happened with blacks. Right now, homosexuals are becoming more accepted as equals within society. Autistic people could be next.

I never have said it in public and have a really hard time saying it period, I think I associate disclosure with trying to cheat in life and looking for or inviting special treatment. I am stupid and stubborn that way, I'll admit it. Disclosing just does not feel right, I get a queasy feeling in my stomach when I think about it. Even though I know I have Asperger's and that everyone can see it I still want a normal life and to be treated equal and to admit I am not normal contradicts that effort.

My eight year old son was recently diagnosed with Asperger's, and during the testing it came out that I "definitely appear to be somewhere on the spectrum." Since it's genetic, I am now awaiting my turn for diagnosis. I have taken all of the online tests I can find, and they all come back saying I most likely have it, and my wife says it describes me to a tee.

I have only told a hand-full of people at work who I work directly with that I felt needed to know, but when describing what it means to people, I have already heard "I'm like that too. I think we all have some of that", and I have actually twice heard "yeah, but all men are like that to an extent. That's just how men are."

I've always hidden everything (to the point that when I mentioned it to my mother, she said "you never had any of the social problems in school though" and I had to ask her "why do you think I always faked sick, skipped class trips and only had one friend that ever came over from school?"), and had never spoken about any of my social anxieties or issues to anyone until learning my son's diagnosis. It felt good to finally find something that made me feel like I had found what has been "wrong" with me all these years.

Finally finding and accepting it at first felt kind of freeing, and thinking that it wasn't just me being weird, that there was a reason for it, I finally felt able to open up and share about my issues. But I think people refuting or shooting it down is probably the hardest part I've had about mentioning it.

I have no problems telling people; I say it loud and say it proud

I get embarrassed about it, and I do find it hard to just tell people myself. If they had to know, I have to have someone else say it for me. I just can't say it. Lucky for me I am mild enough to pass off as somebody without Asperger's, but not actually an NT. I think a lot of people assume I have learning difficulties, ADD, and stress/anxiety disorder. That's because I don't do things that give away ASDs; I can make normal eye contact, I don't flap my hands or wring my hands or do other unusual moves, I don't have a monotone voice, I have a sense of humour, I don't take things literally, I have more common sense than logic, I don't go on and on about my obsessions (in fact I don't mention them at all at work), and I can basically act normal.

But we already knew somebody who worked at the place I work now, and she actually got me the job there. But she told the manager that I had Asperger's, so that was known before I attended the interview. It was OK, but I do wish I had told the manager to just keep it confidential in the office. I hadn't thought of that, and soon enough nearly the whole place knew I had Asperger's because of the way they talked to me. I know it was all nice, they were being thoughtful and everything, so I couldn't complain. But I didn't really want everyone knowing that I have this label.

I can totally relate to this.

It is hard to say, not only because you have to embrace it and accept it fully yourself. Just like with any problem.

On top of that, its pretty common that the more people know about your the more they can misuse it and hurt you.

I tend to keep stuff on need to know basis. If they dont need to know, they dont need to know.

I've actually been working a lot on that over the past year for that exact reason. I do not hide my autism and i am more than happy to talk about it to anyone who wants to know and I am always explaining what it is like to have autism to my family, friends, and classmates. This year I have been involved in a club at my school that does fundraisers for autism research, and every meeting I talk about some aspect of my experiences with autism. I have also started writing about my experiences and then sending what I wrote to the club members by email (they were basically blog posts sent via email instead of being posted on a site.)




That's exactly what I do as well!