Does anyone else feel like they're never good enough?
Thanks for the replies, everyone. For me, perfectionism has gotten much much worse with age. I remember being perfectionistic as a child as well (especially in school) but it's crippling nowadays. Let me give you an example of something that's really difficult for me. I'm actually worried about writing this because I don't want to offend anyone and I know this whole thing is stupid but yeah, it's a problem for me:
When I got my diagnosis this week, the psychologist showed me the result of one of all the tests I've taken during the assessment. It was a memory test in three parts. I apparently scored in the 99th percentile in the first two but in the third one I had one incorrect answer. That incorrect answer lowered my overall score to the 86th percentile (if I understood it correctly, which I'm not completely sure I did, but still). Now, I know that the 86th percentile isn't bad. It's average or a little above average but that one incorrect answer makes me want to hit myself in the head over and over again. It's like I can't see that I still got a decent score. I only see the mistake I made and I hate myself for it. If anyone else had scored in the 86th percentile I would've thought that was great. It's a good score. But as soon as I'm the one making that small mistake, I feel like I might as well die (though, don't worry, I don't want to die).
Going through the WAIS results is going to suck (even though I'm curious). You know, I read quite a bit about people here with astronomical IQ scores. It makes me feel stupid. I know I shouldn't care but I do and that's because people have always told me I'm smart and intelligent (ever since I was a child) and I think I believed them after a while. It's the only thing I've ever liked about myself. So now, if I don't score well enough on WAIS (which I know I won't) or at an exam, if I can't do certain things that other people can do (oral presentations for example), if I don't get as good grades as I want to or don't do as well as I want to, my mind tells me I am completely worthless.
It's stupid, right? I know. But I can't stop caring about it.
Last edited by rebbieh on 13 Sep 2014, 2:00 am, edited 1 time in total.
I used to have this problem constantly. Like LokiofSassgard the only way I found to feel better was listening to music, which caused me to be listening to music constantly. I finally started feeling a bit better when I started taking Wellbutrin, which helped stabilize my mood a bit; then I tried Adderall and it was like someone turned on a light in my head and I could think. Unfortunately, I don't seem to be getting this effect very consistently from Adderall, and even when it does help I still have problems with basic things. That is actually what led me to decide to collect more information about my behaviors as a child, I had a feeling there was something else, and so did my mom. Searching my childhood behaviors online led me straight to autism. Since that discovery I've not really had many days that I felt depressed and down on myself, but there have been some, and I have a feeling that I will always struggle with it, especially later on in my future when I've gotten used to my diagnosis.
_________________
"It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important."
- Sherlock Holmes
When I got my diagnosis this week, the psychologist showed me the result of one of all the tests I've taken during the assessment. It was a memory test in three parts. I apparently scored in the 99th percentile in the first two but in the third one I had one incorrect answer. That incorrect answer lowered my overall score to the 86th percentile (if I understood it correctly, which I'm not completely sure I did, but still). Now, I know that the 86th percentile isn't bad. It's average or a little above average but that one incorrect answer makes me want to hit myself in the head over and over again. It's like I can't see that I still got a decent score. I only see the mistake I made and I hate myself for it. If anyone else had scored in the 86th percentile I would've thought that was great. It's a good score. But as soon as I'm the one making that small mistake, I feel like I might as well die (though, don't worry, I don't want to die).
Going through the WAIS results is going to suck (even though I'm curious). You know, I read quite a bit about people here with astronomical IQ scores. It makes me feel stupid. I know I shouldn't care but I do and that's because people have always told me I'm smart and intelligent (ever since I was a child) and I think I believed them after a while. It's the only thing I've ever liked about myself. So now, if I don't score well enough on WAIS (which I know I won't) or at an exam, if I can't do certain things that other people can do (oral presentations for example), if I don't get as good grades as I want to or don't do as well as I want to, my mind tells me I am completely worthless.
It's stupid, right? I know. But I can't stop caring about it.
I am much the same when it comes to intelligence, test scores, grades etc. I hold myself to the standard of perfection when it comes to these things, probably because for a long time people have told me I was very intelligent and like you, it's one of the only things I really like about myself. I haven't done my evaluation yet, I am currently waiting for some sort of approval, but I will be irritated if I don't do extremely well especially on the intelligence part.
When I took the ACT in high school, I wanted a perfect score. I am still angry about it. I got a 33; taking my highest scores from each section, it would be a 34. Obviously that is very good; I took it 3 times because I felt I needed a better score. I got a 29, 30, and 33, all of which hardly anyone in my whole school got (and only one tied with me at 33). But I still think I should have gotten a perfect score. It doesn't make me angry enough to have a meltdown usually, but it is very frustrating.
However, my other talent that I have worked a lot on is my singing. This one has made me feel very angry, because I work and work and work at it, and yet I still mess up. I am very sensitive to criticism about my singing. Not being able to sound as good as I want makes me want to hit myself on the head over and over, which I have done before quite a few times. I've never felt so bad about my singing specifically that it made me feel worthless, but it was a contributing factor sometimes I'm sure. Usually the main source of my feelings of not being good enough is my lack of social ability, especially with relationships. I've never been in a relationship and I don't usually feel I ever will be, which isn't a very happy thought.
_________________
"It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important."
- Sherlock Holmes
ASPartOfMe
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I always have thought that I had to work 2 or 3 times harder to get the close the results others got effortlessly or with minimum amount of work.
How did I beat it? Getting Autistic Burnout. I would not recommend his method.
_________________
Professionally Identified and joined WP August 26, 2013
DSM 5: Autism Spectrum Disorder, DSM IV: Aspergers Moderate Severity.
“My autism is not a superpower. It also isn’t some kind of god-forsaken, endless fountain of suffering inflicted on my family. It’s just part of who I am as a person”. - Sara Luterman
I recently got super triggered by something which actually made me cry (I'm usually not a person who cries a lot but things have been tough lately) and hit myself in the head. I feel like I'm never good enough. No matter what I do and no matter how hard I work, I feel like I'm never good enough. The thing is I would never hold others to my own high standards. I sort of know my standards are way too high but I still can't accept what I see as failure in my own life. My biggest problem when it comes to these things is feeling like I'm not smart enough. I know that might be really silly but I can't really help it. So here I am, hating myself for not doing good enough and therefore not being good enough.
This is most likely not something that only people on the autism spectrum experience, but I still wanted to ask if any of you have the same problem. If so, how do you deal with it?
Do I know this? Allways-allways,- and I have got several bad labels for it.....but it will get better. You´ve had your dx now, - and along the road, you´ll understand yourself and your needs better and come to a new self accept.
The failures are still there to be swallowed, but you will become more forgiving towards yourself as your knowledge becomes more detailed.
_________________
Femaline
Special Interest: Beethoven
I was discussing this point with my therapist a few months ago. She asked me why I would be so judgmental of myself if I wouldn't judge another person with the same qualities as harshly. What I think it comes down to is that I want to present myself in the best possible way, and when things don't go according to plan, it's crushing. I now have to re-compensate for whatever I did wrong in order to keep up appearances, which I do by criticizing myself. When I have these moments, I take a while to retreat and do whatever I need to do to calm myself down, whether it be by stimming, going into my fantasy world, or reading more on my special interest.
So yes, it does suck that we're always thinking such mean thoughts about ourselves, but others here can definitely relate to your concerns. We can all be miserable together

_________________
“Oh - You're a very bad man!
Oh, no my dear. I'm a very good man. I'm just a very bad Wizard.”
― L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
Yes. Anything that quantifies you is problematic, any activity where you can compare yourself to others. The larger the circle you can compare yourself to, the worse. I have an occupation that allows me to compare myself to people all over the world via the internet, and it's causing a lot of self-doubt.
I think one cause is trying to overcompensate for perceived defects in other areas (e.g. the stereotypical "I'm not good with people but at least I'm smart").
I believe refocusing is the main way to manage this. Shifting attention to what needs to be done, what you want to do, and the way to get there. Ultimately other people's numbers are irrelevant to your life. Easier said than done, of course.
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What goes on inside is just too fast and huge and all interconnected for words to do more than barely sketch the outlines of at most one tiny little part of it at any given instant. - D.F.W.
FautheralLoather
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LtlPinkCoupe
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MehruneMath
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That's actually not a feeling, that's being judgmental.
_________________
What goes on inside is just too fast and huge and all interconnected for words to do more than barely sketch the outlines of at most one tiny little part of it at any given instant. - D.F.W.
Nobody ever is, nobody is ever happy enough, art is never finished, an athlete is never good enough...
It was Leonardo da Vinci himself who said that art is never complete, only abandoned.
But it's this precise force that propels an athlete or artist; a constant perception of self-loathing and incompetency...
This is also something the Ecclesiastes mentions in the Bible. King Solomon, a man of enormous achievement and wisdom, found much of reality and all of its trappings as pointless and frivolous, or a 'chasing after the wind' as he so puts it throughout that book.
Read Ecclesiastes if you haven't already, that book in the bible is very wise and it specifically remarks on this; something called the Hedonic Treadmill (Link). Ecclesiastes is only a few pages long but the amount of wisdom you will come away with for such a short read is magnificent.
Of course, the spiritual answer to all of our woes was always unconditional love, you will never be good enough cause people love you based upon certain conditions, conditions which are in constant competition with each other, thus there is no 'security' in love, but love is supposed to be the best kind of security of all... Unconditional love throws off the balancing forces of competition, because there is nothing that can be done to bribe it over to the other side, it simply is despite ones performance, despite ones failures and setbacks, which will be many for most people in this world.
But it's near impossible to find that sort of love, it exists, but it is the rarest and best sort of thing.
btbnnyr
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No, even when I suck at something or fail at something, I don't believe that I am not good enough.
Instead, I believe that I am good enough, and I will try again another way.
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Drain and plane and grain and blain your brain, and then again,
Propane and butane out of the gas main, your blain shall sustain!
I deal with this a lot. Not sure if you are a person of faith, but my faith helps me get through. I know that, as an Aspie, I'll never live up to the societal ideal of what people are "supposed" to be like. It's frustrating, but if I can put it in a more eternal, meaningful perspective, I cope better.
I also get support from family, by redirecting myself to everyday concerns, and by engaging in my special interests.
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