A Person as a Special Interest

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Mick Avory is my special interest due to the fact that I chose him as a role model a little over 5 years ago. I knew that I needed a way to be a more gentle, grounded person and he's the original Kinks member that I'm the most like, anyways. I chose him as a role model in order to strive for something realistic instead of something that was too high for me.

When I was in my teens and twenties, I used to have crushes which bordered on obsession.

I can relate to having a person as a special interest. When I was growing up I may have seen this as role models. When I was ten years old my parents took me to the drive-in to see Jaws. I became obsessed with the character of Captain Quint and the actor who played him, Robert Shaw. I sought out every movie I could that he was in. Then, at the age of thirteen or fourteen, when I did a report on Robert Shaw for a biography project, my teacher said, "Very good report, and did you know Robert Shaw recently died. Died??? What??? I think when I got home from school and absorbed my teacher's words, I cried. Yes, he had died. But my interest in this great actor did not. I later got a fishing reel exactly like the one he used in Jaws.

Today, I sometimes get interests in certain people (generally historic) that I will try to research. I am currently trying to find information on a circus sideshow performer from approximately 100 years ago. So far my research has been batting nearly zero, except for one lead I uncovered a couple weeks ago. This sideshow person is something for a researcher who enjoys a tremendous challenge.

Thanks for all of the interesting responses. My son is on the spectrum, but I am NT. However, I must have some tendencies for developing obsessions or special interests in certain people myself. I guess many of them were love interests, but now that I am married, I mainly get hooked on different rock stars. I guess that doesn't concern me since the rock stars would never know about it. I don't really view that too much as a problem. I think a lot of people have actor or rock star crushes. It is when my son gets fixated on classmates or teachers that concerns me. But I guess from what I am reading, there is probably not much I can do about it except be there for him and talk about it if he wants. Hopefully, he will grow out of it some, or maybe he will catch on that just because he is hooked on someone doesn't mean that they will reciprocate.

I am sorry ImAnASpie. I did read your post and considered it to be useful information. I didn't reply directly to all of the other posters , but I enjoyed reading all of them and take all of the information into account. I wholeheartedly agree that steering his interests in other directions is a good strategy as I use it quite often when my son gets stuck on certain behaviors. There was nothing wrong with your post.

As a disclaimer, I have a lot of traits of AS, but don't think I fit it completely so take what I say with the proverbial grain of salt. I am also a female.

I can't add a whole lot to what others have said, but I do have some things. I have had multiple special interests in people. One lasted over 20 years and I am still haunted by it. They can be male or female, usually my age or older. They can be set off by the person's voice, their hair, their gentleness, the way they move their face, the things they are interested in, the things they know, the things they say. They can last months to years. They can be celebrities, too; those usually start with a movie I like. I was once obsessed with this one actress (I don't want to say who because it could potentially be personally identifiable) who was in a TV series based off a book I had read. I became obsessed with her and wanted to see all pictures of her, all movies and TV she was in, I loved that we had the same name, I needed to know her birthdate and basically those things you find on a fanzine, I pretended we were friends (all imaginary; I didn't ever claim this to anyone else, of course because it wasn't real or true). There was another TV series she was in that I was obsessed with. I wanted to dress like her and act like her and I did get my mom to have someone make a period-style dress like she wore in one series. I branched out from there into writing historical fiction, needing to go to historical sites, needing to research medical practices, especially Civil War era medical practices. It was an extreme interest and now I am glad I didn't have any friends to "share" it with; no doubt the kids at school thought I was weird. I was embarrassed about the obsession with this actress in front of my mom because she had accused me of being obsessed with things before and I didn't want her thinking, "Not another obsession!" It was hurtful. And I even questioned my own sanity.

It is usually a combination of things that set off an interest in a person. The ones with males my age, usually turned into really embarrassing crushes . As someone else said they imagine these people as friends and develop a pretty idealistic view of them. I do the same. They are like imaginary friends. The worst thing about it is that none of it's real and it can get pretty depressing. I developed severe selective mutism around people I was obsessed with or really, really, really liked. I don't know what that is from. When I was younger I had this really intense fear that they would be able to tell I liked them, especially after I started to hear that these things were "wrong", "creepy", or weird. My father had a problem where he'd act too familiar with someone else and not recognize that they didn't return that familiarity or interest so I was well-versed in the consequences of making those sorts of mistakes where there wasn't a matched interest in each other. And I was scared of not being able to tell if the other person was okay with me talking to them and didn't want to annoy or bother them because I could never be sure about their wishes. And it didn't help that I had a really strong tendency to think that if I like someone, that meant they like me too. I knew from books and movies that this wasn't so and had to constantly be logical and wary of thinking they did like me when they actually might not. I still have this problem. And I didn't want to look silly or "stupid."

The interests in people whom I know are the most painful. I know that people are generally creeped out by such things. I never understood why until very recently; they perceive it as threatening. I thought people were just very easily offended to be upset by such things; I didn't understand the concept of "privacy". I internalized a lot of negative things about my character and personhood as a result. I had no one to talk to about any of these obsessional things. I grew up thinking I was somehow very, very messed up and wrong. I thought there might be something wrong with me for wanting a friend like that; I knew it was okay for other people to like other people, but wasn't sure it was really okay for me to like other people because others often didn't return it. I grew to feel guilty when I'd think of making friends with other people. I had to come up with good reasons to approach people to counteract the guilt. And then the OCD would kick in and I'd have horrible, terrifying thoughts about other people. I don't know if this was my brain's last-ditch effort to get rid of the fascination with a person or if it was just the OCD acting on anxiety and wanting to expunge the interest while at the same time really, really enjoying the interest.

These are things you don't want to happen to your son. You need to do nothing and say nothing that might embarrass him about it. But keep the communication lines open about it. If he suddenly goes quiet about these other people, it probably isn't because the "obsession" went away; it's likely to be because something happened, he heard something, or thought of something himself that made him "clamp down" on the interest and keep it secret. This may not happen til he is older and develops more self- and other-awareness. He's going to hear stuff about stalking and about men being creeps and then think, "I do stuff like that," or be told by someone else that he does, and then think, "I must be a creep. I must be a bad person. What if this means I am a rapist?" These are terrifying, horrifying thoughts for a child or young person or any person for that matter to have, in secret, where no one knows and so no one can help or counteract those thoughts. And these internalization issues may not be apparent til it has already begun or even into adulthood. You aren't necessarily going to know and he probably won't know to tell you and/or may be too ashamed. I know because this happened to me.

That being said, he needs to know how other people view these things, that the person he is really into, is likely to be weirded out by it. He could, as he gets older and loses the protection afforded by being a child, get into trouble with this. That will depend on his ToM level and his general social awareness. For the most part, I kept mine under wraps you might say except a few times and it alienated those people like no other thing could and/or it was extraordinarily embarrassing for me looking back. There was also twice where the object wasn't "who I thought they were" and ended up really hurt from that.

From everything I read on this site, this sounds like a normal thing for people with AS and AS tendencies. It is so common on this site that I wonder if it isn't a normal part of social development in this population. I know for me the imaginary friendship of it was kind of like a practice with bonding and carrying a conversation and fulfilled a very significant social hole for me. For several years when I was older, it was my best and sometimes only social experience. I still have it despite having a husband and good social skills now. I got rid of these obsessions for a short time in young adulthood by thinking how "childish" it was but I got severely depressed and when the obsessions came back again, it came back with a vengeance. Embarrassing times because I didn't and couldn't hide it.

I wouldn't worry about explaining this to him now at his age. That could give him some social anxiety and thoughts about himself he has no business having. This will come into play as he gets older and especially when he develops an interest in a girl. As you probably know, things could swiftly turn very bad in that situation, depending on how aware he is of social norms. I think the discussion about that should wait til he gets into that age-range. Basically, you want him to be talking to you and you want him to hear these things from you where you can tell him he is not a creep, not weird, etch, if he says or if you think he's thinking that, from you whom he loves and hopefully trusts. You don't want him gleaning this information from peers, TV, the internet, books, FB, or the news, as I did. I came to some very wrong conclusions about myself; I wish I had been spared that pain.

To answer your question about how to cope, I really don't know. They basically have to run their course, ideally without the other person knowing. After the initial intensity wears off, I can "starve" the interest, or maybe it's more of an attachment as long as I am not where I can see the person or pictures of them. It can eventually lessen to a more manageable level, but it is always there, lurking sort of, ready to be provoked again. And the starvation is literally a grieving process, as if the person died. It gets depressing. The interests that die most permanently are the ones where the other person outright rejected me or shut me out and those interests die a most painful death, after I've gotten rid of guilt for whatever it was I did and have been rejecting the urge to apologize to them over and over again for a while.

I probably filled you with fear; I don't mean for you to worry more about it. I want you to know what these particular obsessions can do to someone. As long as you keep those communication lines open, and prevent shame from developing too far, you are ahead of the damage this can create. And I don't know how much my experience will compare to a boy's experience of this.

I don't think redirecting his interest will help anything. This is a normal thing for him and isn't something to worry about now at his age. It actually sounds pretty "healthy" right now, to me And I hope I don't sound condescending. Sometimes I sound that way when I am "passionate" about something. I wish someone had been cognizant of these things and knew to be interested in me as much as you are in your son. This was a long post too. I hope I made sense. To me, from what I read, you are already ahead of the game you might say.

Quivers thank you for taking the time to post such an insightful post. I am sure I will gain valuable insight into how my son's mind is working. I feel so bad for him because he is such a sweet child and I hope this does not become an overriding force in his life. I noticed these little fixations happening as early as 5 yrs old. Of course being that young, they are mostly harmless. My fear is that as he gets older, it can become a problem and I feel somewhat helpless at helping him with it. I feel like right now, it probably comes from him not having any real friendships. Honestly, I don't know if he has any idea how to make a friend. I think these fixations are an attempt at having a friend. He is pretty verbal, and he calls other kids at school his friends, but he has no after school contact with them. The one kid that he is fixated on right now is non verbal, and he seems to be happy to see my son, so right now I don't think it is a problem. He is just sort of driving my husband and I crazy talking about the kid all the time. I am trying to be patient and understanding, and I have not tried to make him feel bad about it. So, I thank you for all of the advice you posted. I agree that I don't think he is ready for me to talk to him in too much depth about this.

I will just have to stay aware of it and do the best I can to keep the lines of communication open to him....The future is so uncertain with my son that sometimes it frightens me. I love him so much and want to do the best I can to protect him, but it is his life and I don't want to be too controlling of him.

I forgot to add that since he does not have much contact with peers outside of school, and I heavily monitor what he watches on tv and his computer time, I am doing the best I can to control any information that he is receiving. However, I know that I can't control his life forever, and I hope that he will trust me and want to talk to me about things in the future.

Also, you mention that you have OCD---I have been wondering if my son has OCD as well. He was diagnosed as PDD-NOS at 2.5 yrs of age, and we have not taken him back for any further diagnoses. He is 9 now, and exhibits mostly class Aspie characteristics, but I am noticing some things that seem to be OCD like as well.

The funny thing is, I have never been diagnosed with anything, I am very social. However, there have been times in my life where I felt that I have shades of OCD as well. I have become very obsessive over past loves and also a few rock stars that I became consumed with.

I had this problem when I was a child, but I grew out of it to an extent. As a young adult I would get extremely fixated on girls, however I was able to control my behaviour so that I didn't do anything too rash. I feel that having had this issue as a child I was able to learn why it is socially unacceptable and disruptive before I was at an age where I had the means for it to have potentially become dangerous.

I got pretty obsessed with girls I was in a relationship with & a celeb I had a mega huge crush on but I'm not obsessed with my current girlfriend because I started taking Neurontin/Gabapentin for OCD. I don't have any special interests now or other obsessions.