Asperger's and Dosmetic Violence

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Thanks for not sticking to your guns regardless
Really I've no idea what the lady had in mind when she wrote it, but I just thought the result seemed to show us in a poor light without any hard evidence to justify it.

I don't think it's just the parents.. I think it's everybody in the person's life.
So.. does this mean that the AS partner is unknowingly triggering past abuse issues? The person with AS honestly suggests to the NT partner that they go ahead and have fun at the social event that the AS person doesn't want to go to, and suddenly it's like they're the person from the past that told them to go, and then screamed at them when they got home? And now suddenly the aspie who suggested that their partner have fun at an event that would make the aspie uncomfortable is mirroring the abuse of the jerk that she dated before?

There's also still the problem that the article doesn't mention who decided that these partners had AS. Plenty of women who are dating guys who are total jerks decide that the guy must have AS because they don't want to believe that he's just actually a jerk. It's so much easier to believe that he's just not good at communicating his love, or that he's flipping out over stupid little things because it broke an AS routine, or because of sensory issues, than to believe that he's a control freak who doesn't care about her. A group of people who drove long distances to complain about their supposedly AS partners just doesn't seem like a representative sample of people in relationships with AS partners. Particularly if they're the ones who decided that the person must have AS, do we really have much reason to think that the partners being referred to were actually aspies at all?

I've noticed in past relationships that occasionally a partner has seemed to be doing something like that.....one of mine got a job, I happened to mention that I didn't think that was such a great thing, which was nothing more than my honest attitude to the world of work - I really don't understand why anybody would be particularly pleased about getting a job. Next thing, the lady's telling mutual acquaintances that I wouldn't let her get a job. Even the people who heard it from her couldn't fathom how in the world I was supposed to be able to stop her from working. On another occasion I lost my temper and threw a cup onto the floor - she later recalled that as the day I threw a glass at her Curiously, her parents were very overbearing, and when that fact was raised, she was barely able to acknowledge it.

I've read that when some individuals get a partner, they will unconsciously try to carry on the unfinished business of their childhood problems, seeing the partner as some kind of reflection of the bad parent they could never get even with. So I'm not really surprised that a group of partners, whose relationships have soured enough to make them want to go to support sessions, end up exagerrating their case. The fact of AS just makes them more credible, and that bullet list will encourage more unhappy partners to take the easy way out and fudge the facts. I suspect that some of those Aspie partners would have some interesting things to add to that one-sided debate if they'd been allowed a right of reply.

Oh definately that triggering happens. It isn't even necessarily abuse memories that are being triggered but even just negative (but not literally abusive) memories. I was going to say I'm sure it happens and then ToughDiamond proved that yes it does. It did with him. I bet it happens a lot. It happens in NT relationships too. It happened with me. But since my husband is NT, he was able to see what was happening and said "hey...I'm not your Dad... I'm not your Dad". This re-routed the problem into something fixable. An AS man may not realize what has happened until much later, and by then the catastrophic fighting between the couple has already happened and may be too damaging.

There is this, which looks important to note:

I just posted a comment there with screen name from here.

Guess we'll see if it passes review and gets posted or not

It refers to something I've written about here about the (my) NT wife ridiculing the AS husband while he is having a meltdown.

We're talking aggressive in-your-face ridicule here.

Was it any wonder domestic violence happened at that point?

Is it any wonder the woman didn't make the ridicule part publicly known as the domestic violence part?

Wanna bet there's a snowball's chance in hell any of the group women who've done that are ever going to own up to it?

The NT wife in my story has to my knowledge only told one family member she ridiculed me and that was after me pressing her into it.

I don't see why there is any sort of confusion over this. People with AS are often afraid. Afraid of a world that they can't understand or have a hard time fitting in to. So they try and control their world. It's simply a coping mechanisim. They don't mean to be brooding, controlling jerks, they're just trying to protect themselves.

Unfortunately, it can be very difficult for those on the receiving end of this type of coping mechanisim. If you're the one bearing the brunt of these types of behaviours you don't really care why the person is acting the way that they do. You just know that it is hurtful and tiring.

Abuse is abuse, no matter what the reasons or origins. It is unacceptable. That the person with AS does not do it on purpose only goes so far. They need to be accountable for their actions and words as much as anyone else. People with AS are not saints (nor are they devils). They are just like everyone else. They just have a bit more on their plate to handle. But that is not an acceptable excuse to be hurtful to those around you.

http://community.feministing.com/2009/1 ... s-and.html

Really now.
Gee, I'll never in a thousand years ever understand why the blogger would decide that.

Funny that it appears my comment about being an AS husband on the receiving end of emotional abuse from an NT wife didn't make it through moderation.

Guess maybe it didn't fit the women are always victims agenda?
Can't soil our pretty agenda, now can we?

Just fer grins, and only trivially related, because I do like the title.http://www.politicsdaily.com/2009/12/03/the-search-for-perfection-where-did-feminism-go-wrong/

Oh, wait!
I know why my post didn't appear, it wasn't that it never got past moderation, "It was never sent!"

Guess it would be my mental patient word against the word of the blogger with the pair of busty chick giving the finger silhouettes in their header.

{this one is prime game to get moderated out of existence by anyone who gets it}

I am ROFLMAO amused at how closely the blog's name of "Feministing" resembles the name for the practice of "fisting".

Your post was not because you were male talking about a female. My post never made it, either. I wrote about being abused by a NT male, and I am female.

I believe we were discriminated against because we're not NT, and she'd had enough AS posts.

I'm sorry you were abused.
And I say that as one who's done that.

How many hundreds, thousands, do ya figure she got deluged with?

I agree very much with what granatelli says here.

My husband and I separated over two years ago because I was bullied and abused by him. Since then our son has been diagnosed with Asperger's, I am waiting for an assessment myself, and I am pretty much convinced that my husband is on the Spectrum, but he won't discuss it or even acknowledge my comments about it.

My husband is 47 years old and he was abused and neglected as a child. He has a number of issues relating to his childhood, very possibly Attachment Disorder as his mother not only neglected but was also physically violent towards him. I believe he is autistic and he also has various other "layers" of problems which contributed to his abusive treatment of me.

I can see very definate autistic traits in my mother's side of my family and I believe now that her father may have merited a diagnosis of Asperger's. He isolated my grandmother by simply refusing to let her friends into their house.

This issue has been discussed before and often the possibility that AS spouses may be abusive is vehemently denied. Obviously it is only some people who behave like this to their spouses and it does seem that those who do behave in an abusive way are unaware that they are autistic and don't realise how their behaviour affects those around them.

Okay I'm guilty of abusing my husband but I refuse to blame it on my AS. I was going through stress because of the wedding plans, so I was more short tempered so I was always screaming at him when he wouldn't do something right or do something under my own standards. I was also hitting him and throwing stuff at him and the words "calm down" would set me off and make my meltdowns worse. I was unaware of all of this because I didn't realize I was doing it often. Then I get mad again when he try and make me do other things like go somewhere and have fun than being cooped up in my apartment with Benny & Joon.
I remember posting a thread here one time about one of my epsiodes because my mom had told me it was very hurtful of me to say to him "I don't know what world you come from" I got told here it wasn't hurtful in that context.

I can remember my husband telling me he was getting so sick of this he felt like he doesn't want to come home and I said "so don't" but he said he didn't want to do that and he loves me and he said he will just start spanking me from now on if I throw something at him or hit him and said he was serious. Well that sure worked but I was still screaming I felt like hitting my head and hitting and the more I held it in me, the angier I get.
I even left a bruse on his arm and he had to wear that to work for like two weeks and telling everyone it was an accident when they ask him about it. It was technically because I didn't mean to leave a mark on him but I did mean to hit him with my cell phone. But he did have to lie about it. He didn't want to tell them he made his wife mad so she threw it at him. Instead he just said I tossed it to him and it hit him there. he didn't want to make me sound like a bad person.
Why did I throw that cell phone at him? Because he told me to calm down so I lashed it at him.

But those days are over and I am calm now. The wedding is over now and it took all that stress off me. Like I say, I do not handle stress well. I get abusive and am more prone to meltdowns. My husband knew it was the wedding doing this so he put up with it. That's why I had my mom help me with it to take lot of this off me so I am not heading for breakdowns. Ugh those deadlines get to me and the decision making. I should have just done a court house wedding and that's it and inviting no one but my husband wanted his family there and I wanted family too so it turned into all this. I would have sacrificed my family but I didn't. Maybe I should have just done immediate family.

All configurations of relationships have the capacity for abuse (duh)..

I have been abused by NT partners...not allowed to have friends due to mistrust...made to feel as though it was my duty to be sexual even if I was ill or injured (and really I was just too young and emotionally immature at the time in the first place)...I have had an NT that I dated hack into my e-mail and get verbally aggressive and knock over furniture and whatnot...because he was feeling insecure...(I guess he was NT-but with issues)

I have been emotionally abusive towards Flakey...most particularly when i get melty...I can be quite verbally abusive at times...he is really good at letting it roll off his back, but still...I am aware of my need to control my behavior...but it doesn't stop me from doing it again.

Anywhoo..um...also, my "other" partner, who is very AS-ish...can be quite prone to anger control issues and meltdowns and he can be very picky and controlling about specific things sometimes....and occasionally can blow up and be quite verbally abusive . He had quite a bit of a meltdown just the other night because his bicycle was damaged while in transport on the bus...and he found a way to sorta use me as a scapegoat and also, my every attempt to calm him down backfired completely....including ignoring him...Even after he calmed down he kept flaring back up and behaving very rashly, and it was a very stressful evening up until he finally passed out....and then the next day he was normal again...He really had no idea of how upset he had made me.

I have learned to deal with his inclinations, partially because I do this to Flakey...snap into an irrational mindset where I can't control my emotions...I wish I could learn to let it roll of my back better and not take it so literally, but it is difficult...mostly because I care about him and his wellbeing (and I can be a literal thinker)
It does not mean that he is a bad person or a bad partner...his is an AS-ish partner with his own set of issues...and his occasional meltdowns come with the package...and there is plenty about him that makes handling his meltdowns 'worth it"...
HOWEVER
I am sometimes glad that I am in an alternative relationship structure and am not stuck in a 2-monogamous people under one roof scenario, where there is no place where I can vent and clear my head when he is having one of his episodes....just like I am glad that we live in a slightly communal environment and so Flakey does not have to rely solely upon me for company and emotional support, because I can often be off in my own little world, and a tad unempathetic in my responses to things...and I can stress/freak out over stuff really easily.

Thank you for being brave enough to post this. It is often hard to be this honest.

A word of advise, and please don't think I'm trying to put put you down or make you feel bad, OK? I'm just trying to help.

You need to get some help w/your issues of control & anger. It is out of line and inappropriate. If you keep it up one day your husband will have had enough and as sure as the sun sets in the west, he will leave you. He will leave you, do not doubt this. People that love other people leave every day because they just can't take it any more. Believe it.

Understand that if it is not a wedding, it will be bills, or stress at work, or parenting issues or maybe he didn't do some stupid task like clean the house the way you expect it. Life is like that. It's always something. So now, while you have the wedding (& it's stress) behind you is the time to be proactive & get some help. You know it, and for sure, your husband knows it. Do it now before it's too late.

Again, I'm not trying to give you a hard time. It was brave of you to be so honest about something that is not very flattering. Sometimes it's just easier to see things clearer from a distance. If you don't change your marriage is headed towards trouble. And I know you don't want that.

Good luck. People can and do change every day. I know you can make some adjustments that will make both of your lives happier. Cheers.