Asperger's Dad from hell

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traits: extremely gifted in music, can play any song, any instrument by ear, after hearing once. Cannot read music, no lessons.
extremely gifted in math with out much formal education
extremely gifted in art, master painter no lessons
obsessions with JFK, science fiction and the arrangement of baseball cards at the age of 45
obsession with grammer, again without much formal education
totally unable to interpret intention, a problem that causes meltdowns and the loss of all friendships over the years
inability to interpret anothers emotions
failure to make eye contact
loud un-interuptable speech
inappropriate verbal (loud) comments
pendantic speech
constant finger tapping and hand wringing
inability to keep employment or finish school bc of dissatisfaction stemming from the misinterpretation of peoples actions
suicide attempt in teens
the affair was after the birth of a child, difficulty with change
social avoidance bc of low self esteem. pacing the outskirts of all social events
no reciprocity of emotion
remember this is an undiagnosed person uninterested in diagnosis who has not learned what you have
meltdowns
no spontaneous activities as they would deviate from normal routine


worse yet raised by a mean degrading personality disorder mom
how could one learn??

at our age people weren't diagnosed as youngsters

five nephews formally diagnosed

father maternal grandmother and uncle undiagnosed. Uncle misdiagnosed.

Does this help?

I was looking to help my child understand and maintain a capacity for love.

Yes a lot of those traits are related to asperger's... I don't think anyone really particularly wants to dispute your suspicions that your exhusband may well be on the spectrum. But his action of trampling your son's jersey and busting his helmet doesn't sound like something 98% of us diagnosed aspies would do or consider this being justified, and we would not have an affair in marriage and think nothing is wrong with it. That outburst goes beyond what we would consider "normal" quirky Aspie behaviour, and suggests he likely has some other problem in addition - which is not actually that unusual as many people on the autism spectrum have comorbid conditions such as anxiety disorders, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder etc.... As much as we sympathize with your frustration and your son, we cannot help explain behaviour that doesn't fall into ASD. It sounds as if your ex would probably benefit from some form of counselling or anger management classes.

Is your son aware of his cousins' AS and what this means? If so that might be a bridge to explaining that his Dad is a bit like his cousins, even though he's a grown up. Maybe you could try explaining his difficulties to your son by looking for resources that are used to explain autism to kids (probably not a good idea to use the name but things like "Daddy has trouble telling when people are upset") these are usually tailored for explaining other kids with autism but you could adapt it a bit. There are picture books and things around. I found this link without much difficulty it, it is targeted to explaining a kid's autism to the rest of the class but there are probably some good ideas and ways of wording things in there.

It sounds very much like your husband has Asperger's. On the other hand, as the others here have pointed out, Asperger's does not equate to anger. I think his anger control issues are more important here than AS. I would discuss this with your counselor or someone like that and ask if he should go through anger management therapy. If your son felt hurt about the episode, you might be successful in your request.

Hi,

First, let me address the initial concern about the effect on your 6 year old son. I have two children and an officially diagnosed AS husband. I have always been honest with my children when their dad's behaviour has been unacceptable. whatever is going on with your ex-husband (aspergers or not) he needs help to manage these type of outburts. you need to let him know that this will not be tolerated. your ex-husband needs to apologise to his son also and explain that his behaviour was wrong. Will he do this?

Perhaps some counselling for your son may help. My kids have had various counselling throughout the years and we talk openly about issues that have transpired in the home and what will and will not be tolerated.

In regards to the various comments on here about people with Aspergers being gentle, good-natured, non violent individuals. Fundamentally I believe this to be true.
As mentioned before my husband has been officially diagnosed (twice) with Aspergers.
My husband has also been abusive, so my conclusion has to be that there is something else going on here. And I have come to realise the following:

1) his father was probably an Aspie as well.
2) the family life was unusually rigid, abusive, and everyone appeared emotionally withdrawn. his father used to hit my husband across the head
3) AS was not diagnosed till my husband was 44
4) he has had 44 years of misunderstandings, mis-communication, executive functioning issues
5) our 12 year relationship has been fulll of miscommunication and mis-interpretation.
6) my husband became depressed and anxious at the demands placed on him with our marriage and family
7) i got increasingly angry at him for being "selfish" or "lazy"
7) everyone has a breaking point and my husband reached it.

This does not excuse his abuse, because I think that he should have taken responsibility earlier when he could see everything was falling apart. Those that are not diagnosed till later in life are severely disadvantaged and I think this takes its toll mentally. I have found the only way to get messages across to my husband is to be really direct (blatantly rude sometimes) and consistent.

I have taken responsibility by taking out an under-the-same-roof restraining order which sets clear boundaries and he is complying with it. I have done this to protect myself and my children and to ensure that if my husband crosses the line again..... something will be done about it.

divorcedntmom,

Just a clarification if needed: I never said your husband does not have Aspergers. I said that you cannot officially diagnose him, so you don't really know. From the list it sounds like he could, but that doesn't mean that your "diagnosis" is necessarily correct. More importantly in all of this though, is that you are blaming his cruel, nasty characteristics on Aspergers. Like I said before, whether or not he has Aspergers is beside the point! Aspergers does not make people mean, nasty, evil jack asses! Many people on the spectrum are wonderful, beautiful, nice, kind, and thoughtful people. Those who are jerks, would be jerks whether they are on the spectrum or not.

That is why I said: you do not need a book about being raised by an Aspie parent, but about being raised by a parent who has whatever is making your husband act the way he does. He may have Aspergers; he may not have Aspergers. Either way, he has something ELSE that is causing these defective personality traits!

Well, I know how I can prove it, at least as much as I can prove anything.

When I see that someone is in pain--I may not know right away because I can't read body language very well, but let's say I've figured it out--I feel like there's something wrong with the world. I want to fix it. It isn't good for people to hurt, and I don't want it. It feels like a gap in a pattern, an unorganized environment, something dirty and out of place that has to be fixed. And I want to fix it.

I don't need to be able to look at someone's face or read their body language to understand that they are hurting and want to help. I can read a news story about a disaster and feel horrible about it, just like I would if it had happened in my own town. It's not that I empathize with the people so much as that I have in my head an idea of how the world should be--people should respect each other, help each other; kids should be protected and neighborhoods should be safe; natural disasters should stay away from towns; people should have long lives and be treasured when they are old. And when the world doesn't match up to that, it feels wrong, and I want to fix it. I do volunteer work partly because I hate the way things suck sometimes and I want to make the world suck less.

Is that enough empathy for you? You don't need to be able to read faces to be able to want people to be safe and happy.