Aspies with social skills
I learned my social skills by practical experience at school and university (and rather often with the help of my parents). It wasn't easy, but now I have a fair amount of social skills and can support smalltalk (but not as elegant as most NT); several weeks ago I even had to lead a seminar for students. But "thin" non-verbal communication (e.g. "read between lines", flirting) is still difficult for me and definetly requires improvement. Information about AS (I learned about it a year ago) helped me to realize that socializing is not something mysterous, but just skills (or may be instincts for NT's).
LeKiwi wrote
Really good point - you have achieved what a lot of Aspies here say their want; and now with a wide circle if friends and go 'out 4 nights a week' do you lose your Aspieness - do you learn to like going out 4 nights a week and do it because it is enjoyable?
I used to be better at them when I was younger...
I would try to smile alot and try to be quiet for fear of saying something stupid.. people either thought I was shy or conceited.. one or the other..
This act was just to get by on the surface... after someone "normal" would get to know me, they would soon find out that I was different and either accept me as I am and have patience (the rarest scenario) or try to take advantage of me, or be abusive.. or laugh at me or behind my back gossiping all the while during our "friendship"...
Over the years, I have gotten less nervous in social situations because after everything that's happened to me, I don't seem to care so much... The only reason now that I want to improve my skills is for the sake of networking so I can get work and pursue my art...
I was set up for royal humiliation by the one person that I loved.. used and basically socially, publicly humiliated after finally thinking I found someone in my life... I doubt I will ever "get over" that and feel the same... people hurt me for the last time.. I was made to feel like a permanent freak with no real chance of ever being a part of their world.. The only thing I can do is pretend to be like them just to be in the same room with them, so as not to stand out as different and be further humiliated.. and I would like to be able to work more with my music -- it's just difficult trying to network with people... The moment they sense anything odd or different, they leave me in the dust.... it's just a fact.. Try as I might, whatever social skills I learn are just for superficial purposes and no matter what I try, and can't be "normal"..ever....
I've been working on that for almost 69 years.
Catch me at work and talk about school bus situations and I'm fine.
Catch me on the range and talk about shooting, hunting or such and I'm fine.
Catch me on the water and talk about fishing, fish, bait, rods and such and I'm fine.
Put me in a crowd with no common subject and I'm that guy leaning against the wall watching the scene roll on. And, three's a crowd.
Pops
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Catch me at work and talk about school bus situations and I'm fine.
Catch me on the range and talk about shooting, hunting or such and I'm fine.
Catch me on the water and talk about fishing, fish, bait, rods and such and I'm fine.
Put me in a crowd with no common subject and I'm that guy leaning against the wall watching the scene roll on. And, three's a crowd.
Pops
I'm about 20 years younger, but otherwise much the same. I do OK socially, but it has its limits.
In high school I had one friend, a few acquaintances to shoot the breeze with, and I was on the chess team for 3 years. We were all a bit different.
When I was in college I took Tae Kwon Do for six months, which let me meet new people in a structured give-and-take situation.
In my early 20s a buddy at work talked me into joining the company bowling league. Now, that's somewhere to meet all kinds. I learned to interact with people of various states of intelligence, happy/angry emotions and minor drunkenness. It was fun learning to bowl, too. Four leagues and several years later I was much better able to mingle with people. At work I programmed computers, answered the phone and kept the coffee machine going.
Then my company was bought, my job was eliminated and I went from being an employee to a contract programmer. Computer programmers are fairly eccentric, anyway. I learned to be the new guy over and over, meeting new people and getting on good terms with everyone that I could.
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To eliminate poverty, you have to eliminate at least three things: time, the bell curve and the Pauli Exclusion Principle. Have fun.
MsBehaviour
Deinonychus

Joined: 26 Oct 2007
Age: 52
Gender: Female
Posts: 341
Location: Wellington, New Zealand
I can act confident and sociable as I've had a lot of practice. It doesn't mean I feel it but I have learned to fake it if I have to. When I am tired though it's Game Over. Insert Human.
In all honesty, I don't know how good my social skills are. The past few weeks since I began suspecting I have AS or HFA have been eye opening in terms of my behavior, and I don't know what to believe anymore. I've always known I'm different, but that was before I realized that many things I didn't even notice or think is normal isn't actually so in a NT world. I know my skills aren't horrible, but that still leaves a lot of room for variation. I have close friends and several acquaintance friends that I greet occasionally, but I also know that I'm kind and considered a good listener. I've noticed a lot of things I've done, and I wonder how much my friends have let slide over the years because I'm an easy and loyal friend. I'm so far removed that I don't even know much of the gossip that goes on about me, so I don't learn anything from that either. The people I hand out with are also usually considered "geeky," so they might be more accepting that way as well.
Just going on what I guess, I assume I come off as awkward but friendly. I'm sure my nervousness is aparent. How "awkward" I seem, however, is a huge question mark for me, and it's frustrating!
I am actually extremely social, and can talk and explain my odd behaviors very well to people.
The issue I have is... those odd behaviors are highly noticable, and are definitely "odd" by society's standards. The way I hold myself, my tone of voice, etc. is really odd. I stalk around places like this:
I have a healthy back, but my brain tells me to walk like that. That's just one of my oddities that makes society look at me funny, but has nothing to do with my social skills.
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"Harvesting a wet crop is gross. It doesn't work. It's like trying to suck up a wet blanket."
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