It's not so fun at the top end either I would suppose.
I was overwhelmed with guilt reading an Autism magazine a family friend sent (part of the onslaught my mother has initiated.) I felt so bitter and angry toward the children recieving dietary interventions, being put on gifted programs and provided a curriculum tailored to their needs. I want it for them, but also for myself, that girl who worked so dam hard. It hurts. I would cause myself physical pain with longing, hoping, praying somehow things would work out and i'll get out what it is I have in me to contribute. But these feelings are fading and like LadyMacbeth, I am now working in bars, which didn't work out, au pairing, looking after children. Which is fine, but had I known there was an autism spectrum, not just a remote mute group of individuals dubbed autistic, I would still be in University, with the strength left in me not to be devasted finding I am the different one. To be proud. The answers weren't at university. I needed to know. I can be terribly bitter, and hope I can move on from those spells, because I cannot change what has past and this is it. I want to look back with a blank and not care about the teachers, the doctors, my parents not noticing. Stop looking and see me.
There needs to be widespread education about ASD in the UK. Right now outside London, I am sensing a severe lack of knowledge amoung educators, to say the very least.
I also hope our strife will be noted in another existence, though I doubt this is more than fantasy.
29 Sep 2008, 12:38 am
