I have a question to ask autistic people

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skyflower, thanks for your encouraging words! I feel it deeply that everything will be just fine, though it is hard sometimes. I'm often tired physically, also a bit strung out emotionally, but convinced I have to stay strong and there is no path except following my nose (that is, my intuition), that is the only one that will guide our little ship safely through the stormy seas. interestingly I think that my husband, also me to some extent, needed a wake-up call, that life isn't about worldly success, and we need to live in the moment, love each other to the max, and live fully each day. I'm far too flexible, and was going along with my husband's dream not realising I was losing myself along the way. Sometimes he says to me 'I'm worried about their future, exams, careers, and learning about the Real World' and I give him probably a very disconcerting blank stare.

I started with questioning the wisdom and approach of the class, his teacher, the school (where I also worked for a time), then this led to .. not just that school, it's ALL schools, oh-my-goodness it's not just the schools, it's EVERYTHING!! !! !! It's our society. We're a mess, it's a mess!! !!

Finally this was well and truly confirmed by us going to Africa for two months last year, and visiting the bushmen in their Living Museum. We made friends with a group of bushmen children, and our camp was constantly full, we played games and I was amazed to see that they just don't do competition, all our competitive games they somehow inadvertently turned them into collaborative games, and proceeded to have just as much (make that, more) fun playing them! My son said, when back home 'mummy, I like brown people better', I said 'why's that, do you think?' and he said 'because they're kinder'.

I do not know what the future holds, for our family, for our world, for everything. But I am convinced that kindness, and being true to ourselves and each other, must be the best way forward. Our kids will be happy if they know that, and they will find their way in life, whatever that might be..

Yes, somanyspoons, please save me from that dude because he does sound terrifying
(but in all seriousness, your input is immensely helpful, since I plan to hang out a little longer in this field!)

Hello, fellow Scot!! ! How funny since it seemed to me I could feel where you were coming from
Oh crikey, I've done it again haven't I!? It seems I should keep contributing on these forums until I get it right, the language I mean.. and as you say, it is important. It's our means of communication here, so we need to agree on what means what, and what doesn't mean what I think it does ! ! May I ask if you are currently living in Scotland again? Your path sounds very diverse and interesting!

Yes we do have autism in the family, my uncle (who was much older than my mum, was born during the war, and died in an institution at 21, and who I never met), was autistic, it was also an incredibly stressful pregnancy and he was born by forceps. I re-read her memoir recently. My grandmother, as per the times, was persuaded after trying for years to keep him at home with herself and other carers, that she had to 'move on with her life', she had a husband and a daughter to look after (my mother). Her heart was broken, the book made me weep for her, and for him.

Well, hey - so maybe I am on the spectrum too! I must read those other posts! I do have some uncanny -- um, eery - - feelings about people. They seem to inexplicably like me but I find them very exhausting, and some (I know who, it's those who are not showing their true feelings, i.e. living a lie), I find downright terrifying, though I hope I'm good at hiding it. We frequently socialise with our friends, so we often have the house full of people and children, all lovely people, and total mayhem (as long as the people are our friends, and benign and well-meaning, and as long as we stay at home where he can escape to playing chess with me or reading, or go to people's houses where he knows them well and where they have animals and a garden, my son's fine with this - he often just wanders off or talks to the animals for ages - I can see at a glance that he's happy and that's what matters).

Meanwhile I have a private fantasy. My daughter has a book called 'You Choose', there's a page with a big landscape including every possible habitat, and in it there's a small wooden hut in a forest, very lonely, with a lake below and a few sheep. Above the landscape it says 'If you could live anywhere, where would you live?'. Oooh for that hut, that lake, no-one but me and my dog, and the sheep, and my drawing things. The longing is quite scary, to actually disappear inside that picture. When she says to me 'what about you, mummy?', I point to the hut 'I'd live there', and I have to hold back the word 'ALONE'.

Don't get me wrong, I love my children and husband, I would actually do almost anything for my kids, though I realise that my self-sacrifice wouldn't help them much .. also I love their presence - hey, after a week I'd probably want them all in the hut with me

I think it's great news that parents of autistic kids might well realise that they are 'on the spectrum' too. It means so much more understanding, and most likely a lot of love and a positive journey into adulthood.

Your welcome! I agree that our society is a mess. Your son is learning the value of kindness like most of us on the spectrum. We learn that fast because we are often treated poorly and judged unfairly so unkindness is the norm. But when someone is nice...wow does that stand out! I am a brown person I think that is so cute what he said.

skyflower, now you really made me smile - I am glad you weren't offended (but they were the words of a 6-year old so I guess they should be accurately reported..). And pretty observant too of human character - what he said was certainly true of his experience.

I am not devoid of empathy, though some people (in particular my mother, who is very negative towards me and my more ND behaviours) think and say that I am. I am lucky to now have some friends at school, and it upsets me if they are unhappy in some way. Other people being in pain also makes me uncomfortable; however, in both the afore-mentioned situations, I have no idea how to approach the afflicted person or provide comfort. Luckily, my wonderful friends understand this on some level, and are very patient towards my clumsy attempts to comfort them.

I find that I may pretend indifference or unfeeling-ness in order to protect the empathetic parts of my character. I do not deal with emotion well at all, becoming non-verbal or crying at the smallest stimulus - positive or negative. Please keep in mind that I am 16 years old - this is not normal behaviour for somebody of my age. Emotions confuse me and cause me pain and distress - I often try not to feel any emotions, because I cannot deal with it.

^
This is an excellent description of how many people on the spectrum experience, cope with and demonstrate empathy. You sum up particularly well the problem that NTs have in identifying this as empathy, simply because it isn't expressed outwardly in a way that they immediately recognise.

That is actually a lack of empathy on the part of neurotypicals.

^ Thank you. That's very kind, and it makes me happy that you would write that.

katy_rome, the love for your son shines bright in your words and I wish you and your son the best of luck.

There is a proverb, "forewarned is forearmed" which is applicable to your situation.

Cynthia Kim, an adult with AS, is a wonderful source of information. She has a blog and a website at:

Musings of an Aspie

As a parent you have planned a wonderful life for your son, with a rich emotional life and success in our world. The diagnosis will require some changes which you need to figure out. Your son, like all of us, will have strengths and weakness. Understanding them will give your son a great advantage as he gets older.

Just an aside, empathy and sympathy are easily confused. I can sympathize with your situation, but my life experience does not permit me to understand or empathize with your emotions.

FandomConnection explains very well how people on the spectrum handle emotions. As we age, the walls go up and we appear distant and uncaring.

This is interesting, because I've experienced the opposite arc or journey. I appeared very distant and uncaring outwardly when I was a child, teenager and young adult, and my inner and outer responses in fact "warmed up" and walls came down as I got older.

To the point where now I can sometimes connect to both empathy and sympathy so directly and emotionally that I can be a wreck in the worse cases, and visibly so, inside and in expression also. I traveled a "getting more visibly emotional" path as my life went on. Some would say the external expression was just an act, trying to please NT expectations, but it really wasn't and isn't, it's not fake, it comes busting out of me. It didn't as a child. I think we're all different in how things alter for us over the course of life.

For me, that is true. I am an extremely loving and caring person. I love and care about people that I don't even know. Mostly because I have been through a lot, so I can understand most of the things that people go through and how it makes them feel. My family is the opposite, we don't get along well, mostly because they say and think my problems aren't real, and they can't understand why I care so much. I also have extremely good hearing, which drives me insane, very sensitive skin etc. I wish you could have been my mom, because you see Autism as the beauty it is. Please never make your son feel like he is a mistake, and please do as much research as you can to understand better, and make sure that you listen to him when he tries to talk about feelings. I am very loving, but I don't ever get any love back from my family, which hurts me so much, so always show him that you love him because chances are he'll feel like he's unloveable sometimes.

I want to second NiqueN's comments to katy_rome about how great it is that she is this loving to her son, because there may come times when he may not feel lovable because of a challenge, etc. When I was a child, I felt unlovable, and although my mother was a good, kind, loving person, sadly her coping skills sometimes made her treat me as unlovable too, or even tell me that I was.

Can katy_rome be my mum too please? Bit awkward as I'm older than her but I still need a mum sometimes, hahaha!

Dear Snowy Owl, I think your emotions are perfect, what should be normal, I think others' are not always, frankly. I feel really deeply that this sensitivity is a gift, though yes, a really painful one at times.. I love it when people try to express their sympathy, in a really clumsy way and I know they mean it, I feel like crying and hugging them. Even if they just stand there looking awkward and upset, and not knowing what to say. I hate it when people say things like 'I'm sorry for your loss, blah blah..', doing this fakey sympathetic face, yeah whatever. I smile and say 'thanks' while privately thinking 'go away and leave me alone, FOREVER preferably!'.

I think the reason emotions confuse you is because a lot of people manipulate them and hide them, in really confusing ways. And thank goodness for your wonderful friends, especially if your mother doesn't really understand you. One of the things on the list of 'musts' for my son, is 'real friends'. One or two are enough, but they must be genuine.

You sound like a wonderful person, and you'll have an amazing life, living properly and truly (if painfully, sometimes). As me and my sister say (both really ridiculously sensitive people), the thing about living in the moment and feeling things fully is EXACTLY THAT, you feel things fully (ouch!) and you live in the moment, which let's face it is just sometimes a really darned awful moment.. but the corresponding good moments and beautiful feelings should make it all worth it, hopefully..

Thank you very much for this, goatfish57 It also seemed to me that FandomConnection's description was really accurate, and incredibly helpful.

I love Cynthia Hill's blog, thanks for that! In particular I loved the 'socially innappropriate' article. I've always thought it is very weird to censure behaviour (actually I really hate even that word, it's so loaded) that does no harm to anyone. Why??? I guess our schooling and training - my Italian friends call it domestication, so 'house-training'-are largely focussed on CONFORMISM AT ALL COSTS, no questions ever asked. Fear of people who are 'different' is only trumped by fear of people thinking YOU are different. The mum who punishes stimming, or outbursts of emotion - or rewards not doing those, comes to the same thing - is probably at some level terrified of being looked at herself.. 'ooh look everyone, that's the mother... ahh yes, wonder what SHE did wrong'.

I really had a laugh about the mole-whacking, he he!

i see what you mean about sympathy and empathy. There's a thing I say or think often, that I find really hard to explain to others, and you might have just helped me with. it's 'I don't have to understand you, to understand you'.. I think by the first one I mean sympathy and the second I mean empathy.

Thank you so much. One of the things I love about WP is the ability to talk about ASD, which I never have the opportunity to do IRL (I get shouted at, told to stop being stupid etc.). I love interacting with encouraging people, and you are very kind. So thank you.

Admittedly, I have never been diagnosed with ASD (I have never spoken to anybody about it for years), so I am not a diagnosed 'autistic person'. I will likely seek a diagnosis independently when I leave home. However, my descriptions have been seconded by other people here, so maybe...

Thank you again. I would be happy to keep in touch with you.

Thank you, that makes sense to me. Compassion, sympathy and empathy are difficult concepts for me. I often fall into the trap of projecting my feeling on others and then confuse it with their true intentions.

I hope you and your family find a path to a happy and fulfilled life