One NT psychologist conceptualizes how we see people -- ?

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You also proved my point on Aspie perceptions of people because I would almost swear you meant that sarcastically which is why I asked. LOL.

What I also did in front of my nephew, I asked his mom who I had a crush on in high school. She had no idea. I told him that nobody knew who I liked in high school, not even my sister or best friends. I was even scared to write it down on paper. I also obsessively stared at my crushes, but that's only something I do. I did the same thing with the obsessive looks to my husband and it was one of the things he liked about me when we first met. But I can't help it. Some men are like Jaguars and need to be stared at.

But what happens a lot is girls are really embarrassed with matters of their heart. In my case, I kinda perceived love to be a weakness that people could use against me when I was younger, and I was so insecure with myself that I was afraid most guys would be like, oh, her, yuck. And my problem was that in high school, the boy I did have a huge crush on really was too good for me. It was a very sobering experience for him to kinda tell me that directly. He didn't say it in those words, but he thought I was calling to ask out his friend on a date and told me I wasn't good enough for his friend and his friend deserved someone better. So in my mind, that would mean him too, but either way, I think it was kinda therapeutic actually because my worst fear became true, so I wasn't afraid of rejection so much after that because it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong, it did break my pathetic little heart, but what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger right? Anyway, it's things like that us girls are afraid will happen to us, so we really do a lot of it to save face I think.

That guy's honesty to you is a gift that keeps on giving, as you have come here to spread it more.

Alas, I think your comments about love being used against you is a real thing. Ask your local police for reports of crime right in your own neighborhood, you may be shocked. Look at the divorce rates around you, people who made promises to "always be there" and do not. This is world full of lies. The economic crisis was built on it (home loans, greedy people on wall street, entitlement mentality).

Regarding love: The hard very cold reality is that AS people tend to have no friends... and are trapped (topic of this thread). Especially during periods of undiagnosed or uneducated (you gotta learn) AS people are very open to being taken advantage of - as you can't read the signs! And frankly, you have no friends, don't we all want that? Plus NT people can sense the difference, and some go right for the kill of the weakest target.

I hope in your personal life, you have found a husband that fits this description written by Joseph Campbell:

“Marriage is not a love affair. A love affair is a totally different thing. A marriage is a commitment to that which you are. That person is literally your other half. And you and the other are one. A love affair isn’t that. That is a relationship of pleasure, and when it gets to be unpleasurable , it’s off. But a marriage is a life commitment, and a life commitment means the prime concern of your life. If marriage is not the prime concern, you are not married.”

Again, thank you for sharing, I've found you to be extremely educational.

Last edited by TobyZ on 17 Apr 2009, 12:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Tantybi, thing is I never knew boasting was considered rude because I have always been surrounded by this kind of swagger and I thought it was how people acted everywhere. I guess it's just here. People do like to boast here. People are generally rude here, too. Another thing I notice where I live - people expect me to be really polite, considerate and respectful of them but don't want to give much of the same in return. My survival is really tough here.
The one thing I notice most of all is that. The double standard that exists, even in my own family. Sometimes I have felt like an object myself. They don't see me as someone with feelings, just better be polite and respectful at all times with them while they totally control my life. This was the way it was growing up. I tended to resent it, too. I felt like a slave and that's not hyperbole.
Many times I have posted I can't look back objectively because I really don't understand things the same way as others. To me, it makes sense. You treat others with respect and they treat you the same way but it doesn't always work that way and when they are disrespectful I have to put up with it but whenever I am to them stop the world because the crime of the century has been committed. It would be nice to understand why that is and even nicer if it could change.

Well, I have aspergers but don't really share the window view of things.

I view people like puzzles and the social reactions with them like patterns. Although admittedly I do get caught up in the patterns sometimes and fail to individulise enough between people so get confused when a percific input yeilds a odd output, when previous communication with other people yeilded a different output.

I do sometimes view people as to be avoided though, mainly when I've had quite enough puzzle solving for one day. I find communicating very tedious work as its so stereotypical, no matter what subject you pick up or who you talk to it feels like your having the same conversation over and over again. So boring.

I think my husband is like that. The honeymoon phase of our marriage was a short one. We have two kids, and they are 1 and 2, and there just isn't much time for romance anymore. I love all these Aspies may not want to be parent threads going on because I think my hubby may be Aspie as well, and we get less help from family than most neurotypicals. I finally, since I've had the kids, paid a babysitter a couple days ago to watch them for me for a couple hours. Other than that, my mom has watched my kids for a total of 6 hours since they were born, my sister watched one of them for about 2 hours, and my friend watched one of them for about 4 hours once, and then my husband's family has watched them quite a few times, but since they are in Puerto Rico and we are in the states, that only happens when we visit each other. He doesn't help out much or at all with the house work, but he works a full time job and pays the bills. Our two year old is a handful right now, and I could use the help, but I guess it's not necessary. I knew he would be a good husband when I realized he never once asked me to pretend to be something I'm not. In fact, he seems to love all those things I find embarrassing about myself. But I'm starting to realize a lot of men are that way when they love you.

Anyway, thank you for the kind words. I'm glad my experience can help other people.

I find a lot of that double standard going on, but not all people are like that. They are just hard to find, but it's like trying to find the perfect pair of shoes. If you don't go out to the stores and look, compare, try on different shoes, etc., you will either have to settle for less than what you want or you will go around barefoot.

One thing that helps with my family is that I stick to my guns. I noticed the more I cave in to the way they want me to do things, the more apt I am to fail at something which makes them respect me even less. That is the issue. It's not the double standard as much as respect. I can scream give me some respect until my face turns purple, but I'm learning my best bet is to just do my thing with blinders on, and I'm starting to earn it little by little. I do spend a lot of time listening to them brag about their lives, and sometimes they almost sound like they think that they are better than me at things that are obviously not so. They can get pretty insulting at times, but I just pretend to be interested in only them for purposes of the conversation. My mom, I can be a little more honest with now that I have her side with her ongoing argument with my sister. But either way, I come to this forum for an escape from that and to talk about something that interests me. As rude as people can be on this forum sometimes, I still believe some of my best conversations were with a stranger online in print. Sad for the people around me in my life, but good for me that I found a place I can really be myself and enjoy it.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but it doesn't seem like people with AS 'lack empathy' in the way that real bullies do. In fact, I'd say this is one of the nicest forums I've visited ever, and I've been on the internet for at least twelve years.

Minor faux pas? Sure, if you're inexperienced or have a different emotional interpretation of the world. But almost never do I see a serious lack of empathy on the part of someone diagnosed AS.

We have to wonder if they're trying to shift the blame against us.

I couldn't help but think of this Cat as an Aspie running into that "window" they are looking through. Totally not expecting it, look at how the cat studies it at the end: http://4gifs.com/gallery/d/84119-2/Cat_ ... t_door.gif

*yawn* Another "expert" that make broad generalisations about something. When will people learn that everyone is different?

Interesting theory...

But I think that it's not necessarily the case.

For example, while some autistic people view people as objects to be avoided, some more outgoing autistic people see people as being "through the window".

Most people with AS (at least in my experience) have passed the "through the window" stage and have moved on to the stage where the ARE with the people, but they are constantly "on guard" to make sure that they don't say something inappropriate.

To me, Asperger's is more akin to being at a giant business banquet or a gathering of your bf/gf's family for all of the time that you're interacting with others. Always self-concious about what you say and do, and kicking yourself years later for any inappropriate stuff that DOES slip out.

I don't agree either. I don't look at people like bowling pins, I look at them like they're aliens from space, because they think, emote and act different from me and it's sometimes an interesting study (from which I go away gratefuly to be AS). I also don't want to be with them for the same reason. I'm very fortunate because I think my husband is also AS, so we both like to have a lot of private time and are able to give each other the private time needed.

Willard said:

I can agree with you on that one. They're just boring. Even my friends, for some reason, are boring some of the time. The things they do don't interest me at all.

Shivan said:



Agree.