Have I finally found an explanation?

Post Reply New Topic

I really don't know where to begin.
I've always maintained, somewhere in the back of my mind, that there was something unusual about the way I think, relate, function. I began to look up random symptoms to try and find correlations between them, and it has lead me here. As I said, I'm not sure where to begin, I really haven't formally acknowledged my suspicions or tried to touch on the topic with family, so I'm really hoping someone can help either reinforce or disprove this.

I was always a very awkward child. I obviously possessed very little social skills, and could never figure out why people weren't overly drawn to me. I also had strange interests, at kindergarten age I would watch documentaries and recite useless facts to anyone who would listen. I had an absolute fixation with snakes and would go to the pet shop after school to help feed them and clean their cages. This changed into an obsession with troll dolls, then the colour purple, and then clippings from the lyrics page of the TV hits magazine. I also went through a stage where I collected hundreds of chuppa chupp lollypops. I now collect teapots. In primary school, anything that came out of my mouth seemed suitable in my mind, but once verbalised always induced strange stares and blunt replies. Mentally I developed quite early, I was reading novels far before any other children of my age. But I never did, and still don't, think that I am in any way notably intelligent. I remember in grade 4 we had a spelling test, my result being the level of a 17 year old, but I never learned how to read an analog clock, and had a very hard time with my lefts and rights. I still struggle with analog time, which is really embarrassing at the age of 20. Another thing I struggle with is maths. I could never grasp the concept of it, and ended up dropping out of maths in grades 11 and 12.
I am terribly indecisive. Even the smallest decision about what to have for lunch can take me upwards of 10 minutes. I just find decision making so excruciating.

People tend to think I am very self absorbed. Never rude; I am always polite, perhaps in excess, and can never shake my awkward high-pitched stranger voice. But conversations always begin and end with me, I really have no interest in what anyone has to say unless it affects me or is a topic that I find enthralling. I feel bad because each time i speak to someone, I realise how rude I must seem when I neglect to ask them how they are or show any interest in what they have to say. I find myself anxiously waiting for them to stop talking so I can have my turn to speak about myself again, or tell a similar story. The whole back and forth of conversation has no balance with me. I can't hold small talk for long, I eventually give way to awkward silence, or bring up a painfully irrelevant topic and slink away. I am confident around people but always end up feeling like I am not on the same page or that something I have said has freaked them out or turned them off me. Sometimes I also tend to delve into deep conversation about such things as conspiracy theories and debates about how completely misleading, superficial, fear-mongering and controlling the news is, or how the new gardasil vaccine is an un-researched money making ploy.

I am usually very highly strung, my brain does not ever stop to rest. I over analyse every detail of particular interactions that affect me, to the point of absolute exhaustion, and let them play on my mind all day until i can't remember why I am still thinking about them. I keep checklists and to do lists, but never seem to get anything done because I get completely absorbed in one task and engage myself in anything to do with it. Yet in contrast to this, I have a very hard time sticking to just one hobby or interest. I am currently trying to decide what to study at uni, and I just can't decide between photography, journalism, creative writing, psychology, teaching or design.

I have unusual taste in music and fashion, neither of which are particularly confronting or shocking, yet still result in me having nothing in common with the general population. I often get comments about my unusual manner, topics of conversation, interests, and so find it hard to engage with anyone unless I can be bothered to find something blander to discuss. Other times, I think about something I want to say, and I know it is inappropriate or too off topic. I beg myself not to say it, and try to hold back, but I find myself feeling suppressed and uncomfortable and eventually verbalising it. Sort of like and itch I just have to scratch, If i don't bring it up I will think about it for hours on end.

I have also noticed mild obsessive-compulsive disorders. In the mornings I must leave my unit, lock the door, unlock it, go back inside, switch everything off at the power point, check again, and then leave. As a child, when in shopping centres, I would find it difficult to look at an isle without going to the end of it and back. Plenty of other examples, but this is already long enough, and it's 4am. I can't sleep.


Have I finally found an explanation or reason for why I am this way? Or am I just slightly peculiar? I didn't mean to ramble for so long.

I also would like to add that I recently suffered depression for almost a year, which I am glad to have overcome. However I am still very prone to quite intense meltdowns, usually on a fortnightly basis, where everything becomes too much. I'm finding it hard to process ordinary tasks, if I have my work roster on my mind and remember that I also have to post something in the mail and do the housework, I tend to go in a rapid downward spiral and freak out for a while until I can clear my headspace, write things down, and start again. A few months ago, I had my first bout of 'sleep paralysis', which was a frightening experience, since then this has repeated half a dozen times, paired with intense feelings of grief and confusion.

if you can find someone to assess you for a pervasive developmental disorder and ADHD, I encourage you to do so. what you describe is largely similar to my experiences and feelings.

I suffered chronic depression for several decades and searched for answers, and strangely the depression seems to have evaporated since I discovered I have AS. I've become more reclusive because I'm not forcing myself to try to have a social life just because it's generally expected that a social life brings happiness. I'm happier spending more time by myself.

meltdowns have also become far less frequent because now that I know what's going on I can act proactively to prevent them.

I also see a therapist who does cognitive behavioral work with me and it helps a lot.

Yes you could well have found an explanation. I can recommend going down the road of researching it and finding out from a professional.

I just got my diagnosis for AS on Monday which felt like the end of a long long journey and the beginning of another.

Your story shares many commonalities with my own, and yet many differences, too. It serves to demonstrate the great diversity that we find in our community.

For my part, I think that you are closer to finding your answer--but I do suggest that you speak with your doctor for a referral to appropriate professionals (for me it was a clinical psychologist) to lead you through a deeper inquiry for the answers (emphasis on the plural!).

All the best!

Nice. Your tendencies sound a LOT like mine. Heck, 100%? I watched Discovery and NatGeo as a kid, these days I consider myself a genius, but also batsh*t crazy. I ain't indecisive, more like the opposite, if I make a choice, I go at it, that's it, no doubt, no halt. Blindly. Family trait*Grin*.

But you do seem like a VERY social person. More like me then most aspies I've heard of, and all of the ones I've met. Ask yourself this: Are you introverted? Not being interested about the specifics of babble, that's ONE thing(I endure it, yes, but becaaause..) Enjoying the presence and joy of others is a whole other cookie. A tasty one.

I've found the combination of an extroverted personality-aspect a VERY good combo with Aspergers.
For one you can't actually do the proper social conversation that most extroverted people do on auto-pilot..
But who NEEDS autopilot? We're pattern-recogniton, data-mongering GENIUSES! Just stick around people. By the time your frontal lobe kicks in(18) you'll be starting to actually feel an echo of how others feel. Pretty damn helpful. Well I've spent a LOT of time on..well..games, heading out into the gaming wilds with other people. That was when I really began to understand my disorder, especially the good bits. Like being able to understand AMAZINGLY complex stuff like compliments, insults, humour, and the nuance between criticism and venting. And the art of not getting angry at anger.

Aaaanyway... I've got a pretty big social circle right now, but that's because I kept going at it.

AND NOW FOR THE REALLY GOOD PART. That little bit you say about ranting at the powers that be? Yeah...ehm..Good thing. You don't do the goose step, you don't do LSD or think you're a vampire. Really good for today's social climate. You'll be scorned by 90% of the people, but 90% of the people mess themselves up by doing what everyone else does and calling it life. Ye'r IMMUNE to peer pressure and can pull some really cool tricks with your special talents, not JUSt in the social atmosphere.

But I'm studying psychology, as an aspie, so what do I know? Heh.

If this makes more sense then 50%, come talk to me. I'd love to meet someone who, at a bus stop, actually opens his jaws when he sees someone random do something random.




P.S. I know you're over 18. The frontal lobe comment.

[email protected]

Thanks for your helpful replies. After researching symptoms, I almost overlooked Asperger's as a possibility based on the social factor. I thought it was peculiar that I'm a relatively social person, albeit awkwardly, and enjoy the company of like-minded individuals, but I guess that is just another of the many variations in this different frame of mind. I have never thought too negatively of my differences, it would just be nice to know what I am actually dealing with. What does the diagnosis process entail? Do I initially bring up my suspicions? I know that any time I have gone to a doctor (pretty regularly, I'm also somewhat of a hypochondriac) they have frowned upon any form of self-diagnonis. Yet if I reel off every symptom with rehearsed ease, that might be obvious, too.
I guess that's another thing; I seem to worry a lot about what people think of me, I am a highly self-conscious person; yet I don't aspire to change anything, rather worry and continue to mull over the way I present myself. I don't cave into other peoples ideals; but I stress over being outside them.
LivingOutsideTheBox: my social circle was pretty big, also, in my old hometown. It took me a while to find the right balance, but once I did, I began to stand out and attract other people who seemed genuinely interested in my alternative perceptions, ideas and personality, rather than attract criticism for being different. I had a fantastic group of friends who shared all of my music, fashion interests and beliefs, who were all pretty good at talking about themselves and not the weather (taking the pressure off me to talk about irrelevant, censored, petty rubbish) and looked up to me as someone with intelligence and high-morals (not caving to peer pressure, not riding the wave of social norms). But since moving to a new state, I have had a re-emergence of anxiety and problems finding an equally open minded social circle. You see, I'm currently in a small, remote country town. Small towns = small minds. I created a more detailed blog about it a week ago, but WrongPlanet won't allow me to post the link. I could copy+paste, but it's probably a little too long to bother.

Wauw... I must say, this is actually the first post where I cannot see myself in it.

EDIT: okay, maybe some of it, mostly that from younger ages.