Another "small talk" thread

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I know there is already one, but this is slightly different, so I figured I should put it in a different thread.

Anyway, ever since I've been coming to WP, there have been many discussions about small talk, and how hard it can be.

Well, I don't know if I'm AS or not, so with that in mind, I just want to say that I've never had much problem with small talk. Why?? Because I simply have never felt much pressure to engage in it. If I'm standing in line at the grocery store, I keep to myself. If someone asks me a question or makes a small talk kind of comment, I'll smile and nod. If I feel like it, I'll say something back, and there might be a couple of lines of conversation. Then it ends.

If I'm in a waiting room, or in a classroom waiting for class to begin, or some other situation like that, I don't feel any need to strike up a conversation about some trivial thing just for the sake of talking. Am I supposed to? It seems like most of the other people here have had it drilled into them that they are supposed to be chatting with everyone they see. No one ever told me that. Well...until I was in my 20's and joined Amway for a bit, and was told that I should be meeting a new person or two each day. I tried to learn to do that, but it was just beyond me. It's not shyness; it's more a matter of feeling like it's moronic to talk to someone when you have nothing to say. Leave that to the people with chatty personalities.

So what does that say about me? Am I so totally NT that I just can't fathom the problem with small talk? (I think not) Or am so entirely cut off from humanity that I don't even notice that I'm "supposed" to be saying, "What do you think of that hail we had this afternoon?" to every stranger I come in contact with? Or what?

I'll add here that I'm not entirely against small talk. I do see the point, which I assume is for people to connect with each other. Every day when I pick up my kids from school, there are moms and dads standing around talking. I have no idea what they talk about, because I don't listen. I know that if I ever feel the need to connect with one of them, I can do it by making a comment about the weather or the school schedule. In six years, I've felt that need approximately never. If someone comes close to me and looks like they want to make contact, I'll smile and nod, and participate in a few lines of dialog if that's what they want. I haven't made any friends that way, but I haven't trying to. If people are hurt and offended by the fact that I'm not forcing the small talk to continue, they haven't told me.

I hope this makes sense.

It does and I don't mind another small talk topic since it is an issue we Aspies have a problem with. I'll repeat what I mention in another thread I made today. I'm fine with small talk in a line (That new Mario game is great/I hope this one is as good as the last game etc. (I could talk for hours about videogames) but today I asked my job coach (Wow that 33 degree weather was cold) Her: I liked it (end conversation) Me:So are you going to see Avatar? Her: I don't think it's my kind of movie Me: End conversation


So I have issues with small talk it's no biggie I also find it odd sometimes when some guy just goes all chatty cathy on you talk talk talk talk talk (Sadly my dad thinks I do this LOL!)

I remember awhile ago, you posted (I'm pretty sure it was you anyway.. I remember the post, but it was awhile ago and I'm sure I couldn't find it if I went looking now..) about how all the other mothers seemed to already be friends, and you didn't know how to get in and start talking to them and get into the little circle. Things like that are part of what I meant when I said that inability to make small talk causes you (the general you, as in "people with that issue," not you specifically) to miss out on things. Inability to talk about nothing leads to not meeting people, not getting into conversations about something, not getting to know people and into the circles. So isn't that having a problem with small talk?

I can handle short sessions of small talk in the grocery line but I don't feel the need to begin a conversation. The idea of meeting two new people a day sounds utterly exhausting. I see people every week through work and I enjoy small talk with them, but I've known them for years and we have things to talk about. However, if any of these people and I were suddenly placed in a social setting like a party, I would be at a loss for what to say.

I don't feel the need to engage in small talk either. I never have. It makes me feel very anxious to be in a situation where small talk is expected. I start to think about something I could possibly add and I can rarely come up with a thing worth saying, so I just stand there and try to be polite and listen and nod. Really, inside I'm becoming very annoyed and just want to get out of there as soon as possible. I'm not really interested in making friends, not that I think friends are not important or that I wouldn't love to have a really good friend or two.

My husband is very chatty and sociable. Whenever we go out somewhere together he manages to strike up conversations with people and before you now it, his behavior has invited them into our space. This could be at a sports stadium, a restaurant, on the beach, at the car races. When I go somewhere with him, especially somewhere special that i consider along the order of a date, I don't want to share him or our time with anyone else. I block out everyone around us and make it a situation or experience where we are enjoying each others company and the activity and people around us are just extras in a movie. I have to constantly remind him, "Don't be dragging strangers into our space." But he never really gets it because he's an extrovert. My husband could talk your ear off.

Today I was in an elevator with two other women, I stepped outside the norm for me by commenting "Isn't this great weather we're having. A little break for us to recoup and recover before the next batch of frigid air moves in."
As I said, this was out of character, but it felt good and they responded in a friendly way. But that was only a few minutes, more than that would be too much.

Thanks everyone, for responding.

I was hoping to address a particular question/issue, but I don't think I expressed it very well.

I'll try again, although I'm struggling with how to say it.

If a person has certain characteristics that meet one or more of the AS diagnostic criteria (ie problems communicating) then is it reasonable to assume that they would have been told about their deficits at some point in their development?

In other words, I'm trying to reconcile these two things:

1. My life history and experience show clearly that I do not make social connections in a normal way, and that has adversely affected my life in several ways, and

2. I've gotten through most of my life without be told that I should make small talk, be more social, build a social network, etc. I mean, I've had a kind of awareness that other people do that, but no one ever sat down with me and said, "You know, we notice that you are not quite up to speed in this area."


Bottom line, I'm trying to figure out if I really have a social deficit. I feel like I do, but, unlike so many aspies, I didn't grow up with people telling me that I do. The few friends I've had in life never told me...but they never saw me except when I was riding along in their wake. So I can't help but wonder which is real. Do I have a social deficit, on the level of an AS diagnostic criteria? Or am I just imagining it and creating it somehow, because I feel at home with AS people? I don't trust my own ability to make that judgment.


Not that anyone can really answer that for me, but it is something I wanted to address. Why I chose to do it with a post about small talk, I'm not sure. I just have a really hard time organizing my thoughts when it comes to something like this.

My problem with small talk is something I have thought about, it is not a feeling I have towards it.

I want my conversations and gestures to be sincere. Which is why I don't apologize when I'm not sorry. I rarely feel grief or regret. I did one time feel a lot of sorrow when I drowned a spider when I could have saved said spider. But I do not like spiders. I do not want all spiders to die, I simply want them to be where I cannot see them or far away from me.

Or, does my alleged "deficit" actually causes problems for me or for anyone else?

In that light, no, I would say you do not seem to have one even though you can still have AS.

I've heard that in some cultures it's considered rather suspicious to keep asking questions when there's no obvious point (citation required ) I've always felt I'd get on better if that happened over here.

I don't really do small talk much at all. I join in a little with the "Thank God it's Friday" thing that a lot of the staff here engage in, but that's probably a little different to asking about the weather. There's more scope for wit.......I even use it when I'm replying to people who ask how I am - I might say "well, I'm here, but apart from that I'm absolutely fine." I love exchanging witty, cynical remarks with people, and I much prefer that to wishy-washy small talk. I'm not good at taking an interest in other people's interests either, unless I happen to notice something about them that I find interesting in the first place. I try not to let my boredom show, but really I wish they'd find something a bit more profound to offer up for conversation.

Most of the time, I enjoy small talk because they make me excited, and they help me know more about the individual.

But sometimes, when it means business, I mean it! I can't have small talk!

My conversational skills are horrible at best. I've tried to engage in small talk but don't know when to end it. Or even more embarassing for me is when I've tried to engage in small talk and after I say something the coversation dies. I'm really good at killing conversations.