Going to tell my fiancée about my Asperger's this week...

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Shadewraith
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22 Nov 2011, 8:57 am

I could really use some support from someone who has had to tell a loved one about this.

My fiancée and I have been together almost three years and I just recently found out about having Asperger's a few weeks ago. I've been planning this conversation about ever since I was diagnosed. I even have notes written, so I'm not all over the place with my explanation. Still, I'm afraid that she won't understand and just walk out on our relationship.

She doesn't like the idea of me being on medication because I was addicted to the antidepressant Effexxor for years and I had a doctor who just wanted to keep me on it. That coupled with me being misdiagnosed for half of my life leaves her trust in psychologists lacking. The medications I have now aren't addictive, but I can't make her understand that. She also doesn't seem to understand why I need both a psychotherapist and a psychiatrist. When I tell her my therapist helps me deal with the social aspect of my Asperger's (interactions, anger, depression, anhedonia) my psychiatrist (who is a savant in psychological diagnostics) knows exactly what's happening in my brain and sees things from a technical standpoint.

Now I have written down everything I need to tell her in the simplest way possible (I had my best friend and parents proof read it). It explains why I'm seeing two doctors, what each of my medications do and the effect they've had on me, the symptoms of Asperger's and why I never noticed these things before, and even how it can be used as a positive thing in my life, etc. I must seem like I'm rambling, but I'm terrified. I've never done well with confrontation and conflict, aside from within myself. I've only been here a few days and I've already found people who have experienced the same exact things I have. I hope I can get lucky with this topic as well.

If you've ever had to tell someone you felt would abandon you for having autism, please share your experience.


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22 Nov 2011, 9:19 am

Maybe like this:

Quote:
Honey, guess what I found out! I'm not crazy!
And then go on to explain life as an AS lives it, and how this differs from insanity.


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22 Nov 2011, 9:24 am

I told my husband earlier this year, just before I started going through the diagnostic process. I had suspected for several years. I was unable to tell him face-to-face and ended up doing it by email.

He basically said "Whatever. You're still you, and I love you" and wasn't in the least bit perturbed.

I'm sure it won't be nearly as bad you are thinking it will be. But I also know those words mean nothing when you're feeling as anxious as you are ...


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22 Nov 2011, 9:33 am

Shadewraith wrote:
I could really use some support from someone who has had to tell a loved one about this.

My fiancée and I have been together almost three years and I just recently found out about having Asperger's a few weeks ago. I've been planning this conversation about ever since I was diagnosed. I even have notes written, so I'm not all over the place with my explanation. Still, I'm afraid that she won't understand and just walk out on our relationship.

She doesn't like the idea of me being on medication because I was addicted to the antidepressant Effexxor for years and I had a doctor who just wanted to keep me on it. That coupled with me being misdiagnosed for half of my life leaves her trust in psychologists lacking. The medications I have now aren't addictive, but I can't make her understand that. She also doesn't seem to understand why I need both a psychotherapist and a psychiatrist. When I tell her my therapist helps me deal with the social aspect of my Asperger's (interactions, anger, depression, anhedonia) my psychiatrist (who is a savant in psychological diagnostics) knows exactly what's happening in my brain and sees things from a technical standpoint.

Now I have written down everything I need to tell her in the simplest way possible (I had my best friend and parents proof read it). It explains why I'm seeing two doctors, what each of my medications do and the effect they've had on me, the symptoms of Asperger's and why I never noticed these things before, and even how it can be used as a positive thing in my life, etc. I must seem like I'm rambling, but I'm terrified. I've never done well with confrontation and conflict, aside from within myself. I've only been here a few days and I've already found people who have experienced the same exact things I have. I hope I can get lucky with this topic as well.

If you've ever had to tell someone you felt would abandon you for having autism, please share your experience.


I barely mentioned AS to my partner, intending just to lead in to the general topic, and she diagnosed me with it on the spot herself and refuses to change her mind although I'm not even officially diagnosed at all (yet). For her I have AS and that's that, fact, end of story. She doesn't mind though 8O because we are both over 50 and have been together for years.

But seriously, your situation is totally different as there is the risk of autism in your potential children and she may worry about that. It sounds as though she must know about your difficulties, though, if you have been together so long, even if you didn't have a name for it. I don't think anyone here can judge how she will take the information, as we don't know you or her or the strength of your relationship.



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22 Nov 2011, 10:06 am

@Burnbridge LOL I like that. It would make for a good ice breaker.

YellowBanana wrote:
I told my husband earlier this year, just before I started going through the diagnostic process. I had suspected for several years. I was unable to tell him face-to-face and ended up doing it by email.

He basically said "Whatever. You're still you, and I love you" and wasn't in the least bit perturbed.


If that happens, I will probably cry out of happiness.

@Halligeninseln It's good that your partner doesn't mind. As for children, there may be medical complications on her end as well. We've actually discussed adoption. Me passing on this gene would be another good argument for it.


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SilverShoelaces
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22 Nov 2011, 10:10 am

Halligeninseln wrote:
Shadewraith wrote:
I could really use some support from someone who has had to tell a loved one about this.

My fiancée and I have been together almost three years and I just recently found out about having Asperger's a few weeks ago. I've been planning this conversation about ever since I was diagnosed. I even have notes written, so I'm not all over the place with my explanation. Still, I'm afraid that she won't understand and just walk out on our relationship.

She doesn't like the idea of me being on medication because I was addicted to the antidepressant Effexxor for years and I had a doctor who just wanted to keep me on it. That coupled with me being misdiagnosed for half of my life leaves her trust in psychologists lacking. The medications I have now aren't addictive, but I can't make her understand that. She also doesn't seem to understand why I need both a psychotherapist and a psychiatrist. When I tell her my therapist helps me deal with the social aspect of my Asperger's (interactions, anger, depression, anhedonia) my psychiatrist (who is a savant in psychological diagnostics) knows exactly what's happening in my brain and sees things from a technical standpoint.

Now I have written down everything I need to tell her in the simplest way possible (I had my best friend and parents proof read it). It explains why I'm seeing two doctors, what each of my medications do and the effect they've had on me, the symptoms of Asperger's and why I never noticed these things before, and even how it can be used as a positive thing in my life, etc. I must seem like I'm rambling, but I'm terrified. I've never done well with confrontation and conflict, aside from within myself. I've only been here a few days and I've already found people who have experienced the same exact things I have. I hope I can get lucky with this topic as well.

If you've ever had to tell someone you felt would abandon you for having autism, please share your experience.


I barely mentioned AS to my partner, intending just to lead in to the general topic, and she diagnosed me with it on the spot herself and refuses to change her mind although I'm not even officially diagnosed at all (yet). For her I have AS and that's that, fact, end of story. She doesn't mind though 8O because we are both over 50 and have been together for years.

But seriously, your situation is totally different as there is the risk of autism in your potential children and she may worry about that. It sounds as though she must know about your difficulties, though, if you have been together so long, even if you didn't have a name for it. I don't think anyone here can judge how she will take the information, as we don't know you or her or the strength of your relationship.


You speak of a "risk" of autism as if it were a bad thing.The only bad thing (of course this is merely my opinion) is if you have a child who remains undiagnosed and wonders for years who (s)he really is and why (s)he's so different from everybody. And if a kid is diagnosed, at least (s)he knows (s)he's not alone.



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22 Nov 2011, 10:17 am

SilverShoelaces wrote:
You speak of a "risk" of autism as if it were a bad thing.The only bad thing (of course this is merely my opinion) is if you have a child who remains undiagnosed and wonders for years who (s)he really is and why (s)he's so different from everybody. And if a kid is diagnosed, at least (s)he knows (s)he's not alone.


It seems that I've offended you and I'm sorry. You're absolutely right, though. I shouldn't have acted as if it were a bad thing and I should remember not to do that. I've had years of very bad social encounters (being bullied, people being uncomfortable around me ,etc.) that I've subconsciously trained my brain to always think the worst. When I said "risk", I was really just speaking of my fear that my fiancée may not understand and get the wrong idea about it.


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22 Nov 2011, 6:31 pm

SilverShoelaces wrote:
Halligeninseln wrote:
Shadewraith wrote:
I could really use some support from someone who has had to tell a loved one about this.

My fiancée and I have been together almost three years and I just recently found out about having Asperger's a few weeks ago. I've been planning this conversation about ever since I was diagnosed. I even have notes written, so I'm not all over the place with my explanation. Still, I'm afraid that she won't understand and just walk out on our relationship.

She doesn't like the idea of me being on medication because I was addicted to the antidepressant Effexxor for years and I had a doctor who just wanted to keep me on it. That coupled with me being misdiagnosed for half of my life leaves her trust in psychologists lacking. The medications I have now aren't addictive, but I can't make her understand that. She also doesn't seem to understand why I need both a psychotherapist and a psychiatrist. When I tell her my therapist helps me deal with the social aspect of my Asperger's (interactions, anger, depression, anhedonia) my psychiatrist (who is a savant in psychological diagnostics) knows exactly what's happening in my brain and sees things from a technical standpoint.

Now I have written down everything I need to tell her in the simplest way possible (I had my best friend and parents proof read it). It explains why I'm seeing two doctors, what each of my medications do and the effect they've had on me, the symptoms of Asperger's and why I never noticed these things before, and even how it can be used as a positive thing in my life, etc. I must seem like I'm rambling, but I'm terrified. I've never done well with confrontation and conflict, aside from within myself. I've only been here a few days and I've already found people who have experienced the same exact things I have. I hope I can get lucky with this topic as well.

If you've ever had to tell someone you felt would abandon you for having autism, please share your experience.


I barely mentioned AS to my partner, intending just to lead in to the general topic, and she diagnosed me with it on the spot herself and refuses to change her mind although I'm not even officially diagnosed at all (yet). For her I have AS and that's that, fact, end of story. She doesn't mind though 8O because we are both over 50 and have been together for years.

But seriously, your situation is totally different as there is the risk of autism in your potential children and she may worry about that. It sounds as though she must know about your difficulties, though, if you have been together so long, even if you didn't have a name for it. I don't think anyone here can judge how she will take the information, as we don't know you or her or the strength of your relationship.


You speak of a "risk" of autism as if it were a bad thing.The only bad thing (of course this is merely my opinion) is if you have a child who remains undiagnosed and wonders for years who (s)he really is and why (s)he's so different from everybody. And if a kid is diagnosed, at least (s)he knows (s)he's not alone.



I find being socially disfunctional a bad (ie inconvenient and frustrating) thing in myself, and most people with autism seem to have a tougher time in life than most people who don't have it. So in that sense it's a "risk".



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22 Nov 2011, 6:52 pm

Shadewraith wrote:
I could really use some support from someone who has had to tell a loved one about this.

My fiancée and I have been together almost three years and I just recently found out about having Asperger's a few weeks ago. I've been planning this conversation about ever since I was diagnosed. I even have notes written, so I'm not all over the place with my explanation. Still, I'm afraid that she won't understand and just walk out on our relationship.

She doesn't like the idea of me being on medication because I was addicted to the antidepressant Effexxor for years and I had a doctor who just wanted to keep me on it. That coupled with me being misdiagnosed for half of my life leaves her trust in psychologists lacking. The medications I have now aren't addictive, but I can't make her understand that. She also doesn't seem to understand why I need both a psychotherapist and a psychiatrist. When I tell her my therapist helps me deal with the social aspect of my Asperger's (interactions, anger, depression, anhedonia) my psychiatrist (who is a savant in psychological diagnostics) knows exactly what's happening in my brain and sees things from a technical standpoint.

Now I have written down everything I need to tell her in the simplest way possible (I had my best friend and parents proof read it). It explains why I'm seeing two doctors, what each of my medications do and the effect they've had on me, the symptoms of Asperger's and why I never noticed these things before, and even how it can be used as a positive thing in my life, etc. I must seem like I'm rambling, but I'm terrified. I've never done well with confrontation and conflict, aside from within myself. I've only been here a few days and I've already found people who have experienced the same exact things I have. I hope I can get lucky with this topic as well.

If you've ever had to tell someone you felt would abandon you for having autism, please share your experience.

if she likes you she won't walk out. she will probably be like "ok that's interesting". if you act nervous she might think something else is wrong though. don't worry there are no meds for aspergers. if your doctor suggests any he is a quack and be sure to refuse them. tell your fiancee that and she will probably be happy :D . but yeah at any rate i mean telling your fiancee you have AS is one of those things which is a big deal but an easy task if you know what i mean. the path is fairly straight forward. try to keep the conversation positive, she will take it better then. most reasonable people wouldn't break up with you over something like that anyway. to keep the conversation positive i would like cook a nice dinner and do all the chores really well that day so she sees the positives of being with you.



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22 Nov 2011, 7:09 pm

aspie48 wrote:
don't worry there are no meds for aspergers. if your doctor suggests any he is a quack and be sure to refuse them.


This I really can't agree with completely. While there isn't a magic bullet for asperger's, medication does help manage some of my problems caused by it. I was put on medication for my ADD and another for both my low irritability tolerance and obsessions. Not only have I been able to focus on things like I've never been able to before, but I haven't seen from my explosive anger nor have I obsessed over the things I was before. But if he did try to give me a pill that tuned me into a social butterfly or gave me reading comprehension I'd have laughed in his face.

I do agree with everything else, though. I've always been an insecure person, so I'm trying to convince myself that that's where my apprehension is coming from. I am going to keep it positive by telling her why me being this way can actually help me be successful in life. Anyway, thank you :o .


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22 Nov 2011, 7:37 pm

Relax (I know, easier said than done) because she won't just walk out.

Probably.

You're the same person as before, you just have a different explanation for some of your odd behaviors. I was all stressed out for a couple weeks when I started suspecting ASD, to the point that my partner made me tell her what was wrong (I was rather unsuccessful at hiding it). Be ready to hear "I don't think you're autistic." Be ready to contemplate the implications of having children with the increased chances of an ASD. Don't worry about trying to make excuses or making it sound like a blessing in disguise. You are who you are, and your fiancé is with you because she loves you (unless there's some ulterior motive, which is unlikely).



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22 Nov 2011, 8:17 pm

Shadewraith wrote:
aspie48 wrote:
don't worry there are no meds for aspergers. if your doctor suggests any he is a quack and be sure to refuse them.


This I really can't agree with completely. While there isn't a magic bullet for asperger's, medication does help manage some of my problems caused by it. I was put on medication for my ADD and another for both my low irritability tolerance and obsessions. Not only have I been able to focus on things like I've never been able to before, but I haven't seen from my explosive anger nor have I obsessed over the things I was before. But if he did try to give me a pill that tuned me into a social butterfly or gave me reading comprehension I'd have laughed in his face.

I do agree with everything else, though. I've always been an insecure person, so I'm trying to convince myself that that's where my apprehension is coming from. I am going to keep it positive by telling her why me being this way can actually help me be successful in life. Anyway, thank you :o .
yeah i meant that there was no magic bullet, but some symptoms that have to do with attention anxiety and such could be medicated



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23 Nov 2011, 4:11 am

Shadewraith wrote:
I could really use some support from someone who has had to tell a loved one about this.

My fiancée and I have been together almost three years and I just recently found out about having Asperger's a few weeks ago. I've been planning this conversation about ever since I was diagnosed. I even have notes written, so I'm not all over the place with my explanation. Still, I'm afraid that she won't understand and just walk out on our relationship.

What about bringing her to a doctor visit with you to give her the doctor's explanation as well as being able to to discuss how it all relates to you?

SilverShoelaces wrote:
You speak of a "risk" of autism as if it were a bad thing.The only bad thing (of course this is merely my opinion) is if you have a child who remains undiagnosed and wonders for years who (s)he really is and why (s)he's so different from everybody. And if a kid is diagnosed, at least (s)he knows (s)he's not alone.

That "risk" of autism is very real. Not everyone with autism gets to be a savant. Hell, some of them will never learn not to smear their s**t on the walls and will never be able to go to an unenclosed outdoor area without someone holding their hand. Forget about communication or hygiene. While there is no character defect there and they deserve as good of a chance at a satisfying quality of life, many parents will just think that it looks like God was playing Russian roulette with the gene pool, and these types of LFA individuals tend to end up in situations where sometimes they even figure out on their own that suicide is possible. It may be a social problem, but would you really want to bring such an individual into this world if you do not have the financial and emotional means to protect them from the system?


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23 Nov 2011, 3:04 pm

Shadewraith wrote:
I could really use some support from someone who has had to tell a loved one about this.

If she is open minded and loves you, it wouldn't be a problem.

As for having children, I think there's too much concern about it. With so much knowledge at hand and services unknown not long ago I doubt bringing up children with some kind of ASD would be much of a problem. You'll have a special kid, that's all.



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23 Nov 2011, 3:18 pm

John_Browning wrote:
Shadewraith wrote:
I could really use some support from someone who has had to tell a loved one about this.

My fiancée and I have been together almost three years and I just recently found out about having Asperger's a few weeks ago. I've been planning this conversation about ever since I was diagnosed. I even have notes written, so I'm not all over the place with my explanation. Still, I'm afraid that she won't understand and just walk out on our relationship.

What about bringing her to a doctor visit with you to give her the doctor's explanation as well as being able to to discuss how it all relates to you?

SilverShoelaces wrote:
You speak of a "risk" of autism as if it were a bad thing.The only bad thing (of course this is merely my opinion) is if you have a child who remains undiagnosed and wonders for years who (s)he really is and why (s)he's so different from everybody. And if a kid is diagnosed, at least (s)he knows (s)he's not alone.

That "risk" of autism is very real. Not everyone with autism gets to be a savant. Hell, some of them will never learn not to smear their sh** on the walls and will never be able to go to an unenclosed outdoor area without someone holding their hand. Forget about communication or hygiene. While there is no character defect there and they deserve as good of a chance at a satisfying quality of life, many parents will just think that it looks like God was playing Russian roulette with the gene pool, and these types of LFA individuals tend to end up in situations where sometimes they even figure out on their own that suicide is possible. It may be a social problem, but would you really want to bring such an individual into this world if you do not have the financial and emotional means to protect them from the system?


Intelligent + Autistic does not equal savant. Savantism is different than that. I wonder if people with AS have a higher risk of having a LFA child than ordinary people. Who knows are closely related they are.


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Shadewraith
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23 Nov 2011, 3:18 pm

OJani wrote:
As for having children, I think there's too much concern about it. With so much knowledge at hand and services unknown not long ago I doubt bringing up children with some kind of ASD would be much of a problem. You'll have a special kid, that's all.


I've heard that autism isn't hereditary, but through a mutation. I may have a higher chance of causing the mutation, but from what I understand it's not 100% guaranteed that my child will have what I do. I'm seeing a lot of people saying both that it is and isn't genetic. It has be concerned because I know that my fiancee wants kids.


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