Why are people so stupidly polite?

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It's almost impossible to get an honest answer on my writing. When I do get one and it's positive (like it always is! ) there's no way to know if they're being honest. They don't want to offend, even if I wouldn't and a sincere answer is desired.

The same thing happens when I'm editting somebody else's work with other people. Even if it's totally crapolla, nobody will overtly say so. Maybe they've got some hidden signal that I can't pick up because of AS and all, but probably not.

So I've decided to right something intentionally horrible and submit it for editting, possibly with something I suspect is horrible alongside, and listen to the reactions then.

Then they'res another thing: the magic words.

On asking back for a pen I've overborrowed: "Can I please have my pen back?"

Please? It's your pen...

"Thank you."

WTF? Why are you thanking me for giving something back that belongs to you?

Or thanking me for something that you don't actually want, such as turning in a paper to a teacher. Why should a teacher thank me for giving them a piece of paper that they'll have to grade?

Not sure about the thank you stuff..

In person I distain compliments and recieving thank you's.

I find I can offend quite often in emails and ALL it seems to me that I am doing is clarifying some information or stating some fact. I have had a couple of people (not on WP) act very upset and I have even re-read things I've posted and I don't really get it. I wonder what they would think if I really wrote something to be argumentative



I think you that you generally thank someone for I guess just making some sort of effort. I do SAY thank you alot because it tends to make people happy - and it doesn't take much effort like some other things. However -I don't write thank you notes - it is a personal objection I have. I know it is supposed to be social etiquette but it makes no sense. And the way I have seen people compare the thank you notes or wait for them in the mail. It is too bizarre. If someone gives you a gift you thank them and often thank them again in person. Do they put these things in a scrapbook or something?

Generally, it is frowned upon to be overly critical or imposing on someone else. It's also partly just plain custom. When a person has a request (or demand, depending on how you look at it) to make, using a certain level of politeness conveys respect and recognition that it might impose some (usually mostly symbolic) burden on the other party. When you lend someone your pen, you make a sort of compact that, for a duration of time, the pen is essentially not yours to control so that the borrowing party can fulfill a certain need. The politeness in requesting the pen be returned implies your acknowledgement that the borrower might not have completed the task he or she needed it for and also acknowledges that retrieving the pen may require interruption from an important task currently being tended to.

Too much politeness and courtesy shows, to NTs, lack of self-confidence and interpersonal submissiveness or a tense and distant way of interacting with people.

Your independence of thought and action is admirable, sc. Not that I admire it personally. I'm just saying!

I have no idea what to say to that..

Am I supposed to compliment you? It would be fake if I did and that would be dishonest. Not that there is nothing to compliment it is just that I really am not attentive to such things of others.

The only compliments that have really impressed upon me, which I would rather have be pressed upon me is being called cute, in which I reply to the girl, you are as well.

It was a joke, yep, seems to be.

face it, you're not going to get an honest evaluation unless that person is impartial. as for the pen, it's not like a person is going to order someone to give back the pen, and anyways, the person might want to keep the pen longer.

They are NTs, I don’t want to explain again scientifically why the are that way.

Neurotypicals have many strange systems and patterns of behavior that are illogical, convoluted, bizarre, and meaningless.

A neurotypical will derive pleasure from hearing words like "thank you." Neurotypicals who say such things will be more liked. Thus, we hear these psittacism-like phrases ad nauseum.

It is like people shouting in a room. If no one talked loudly, people will be just fine speaking quietly. But if one person raises his or her voice, everyone else will have to do the same.

If one person is "polite," everyone else will try to be "polite" to gain the favor of their peers. If no one at all is "polite," then we will all be just fine.

Neurotypical behaviors are often this way.

i've just been raised to say please and thank you.
If i want something i say please, if i recieve something a i say thank you.
It is just common courteousy. Though i find i am one of few people who use these, NT's are generally not as polite as you think they are!

hahaha, that's certainly true. The dating rituals, for instance.

My view: please, thank you and other such forms of courtesy are considered a sign of respect for another person. I have no problem with them. They are generally expected and make my life easier when I use them. So I do.

My mom always tried to force some of this code-talking on me.

Instead of "do (something)"
I was required to say
"You might want to consider (something)"
and would be vocally reminded of it whenever I forgot.

(this sort of exchange is typical when she was ranting about work and I was trying to offer advice)

First: Why the unnecessary addition of all those extra syllables? It merely delays the delivery the message.
Second: Why do I need to imply some form of mind control (telling other people what they "want"), when I am merely assessing their situation and relaying this assessment (with the actual decision left to the person I am speaking to).

In regards to "the magic words", I've tried to always make a habit of it. (again, due to constant scolding from my mom)

I suppose that some of these blatantly NT speech patterns are even apparent in my posting.

i like manners and politeness but i sometimes forget to use it myself

i was brought up like i was a nt - not bein diagnosed with AS till a month ago. my mum is always pickin up on my manners which i find annoying. like yesterday i reched over the table to get the margerine and she pushed my arm back and said 'amanda ou know your manners dont lean across the table' and i was like peed off cos shed pushed my arm. i do not like being touched unless i give them permission

The "magic words" were ingrained into me at an early age but I don't use them as often as other people.
I think that NTs use please and thank you for the benifit of the other person. When someone says please it makes it seem that the pereson asking for something has respect for the other person. NTs need to be assured that the other person is thankful or welcome even when they are not.

Really? As a writer (and Aspie) myself, I've never had a problem with that. I can reccomend a good editting forum if you'd like.



Like some other people have said, I was trained to say please and thank you all the bloody time. I also say "I'm sorry" a lot, which gets on my nerves but it's I do it without realizing it. It was taught to me at such an early age that it's part of who I am.
Someone mentioned respect, and I think orginally it was meant for that, but now it has become more of a custom. Sometimes people will use it in order to not offend someone, but I think sometimes it's used like "um" and "er". Filler words really.
Maybe NTs understand it.

The dishonest evaluation is idiotic. I completely understand why you are bothered by this. That is definitely an example of counter-productive disfunctional behavior. Stupidly polite, as you say.

But re the "please" and "thank you", I think this is fine. The please indicates that you are not trying to boss the other person around. The thank you means you appreciate their efforts. For example, the teacher saying thank you means the teacher appreciates that you did the work as asked.

An important difference is that the dishonest evaluation causes actual harm whereas the please/thanks is harmless.

"Please" is clearly used as an epithet some of the time. It's less likely to lead to public brawling than a nastier slur.