Eye contact puts me off spending time with people

Post Reply New Topic

How do you know how often you should make eye contact, what the difference between normal eye contact and staring is, and when it's ok too look away - i know im trying to conform too much but i find this really awkward. it contributes to wanting to be on my own

I always felt I was being stared down when looking at people in the eye. I didn't like it it made me feel as if I was under attack. Humans are the ONLY species that do not find eye contact a threat so I wonder if this is some sort primitive instinct that is displaced in NTs or not present at all in them.

My favorite strategy for eye contact has been the "magic eye" technique, the same thing that's used for these:




I like to focus "behind" someone's head so that Im seeing two of them. Then I take the inner two eyes and line them up so it looks like the person has 3 eyes, and then I look at the middle one. For some reason this reduces the anxiety of staring someone in the eyes directly. Knowing that one of the heads isnt real allows me to dissociate and relax, kind of. Ive been compulsively splitting my vision like this since I was very young, and when I learned that my eyes werent actually going crossed, I started doing it when talking to people.

shark!

I'm not so talented at refocusing my eyes quickly - it takes me many minutes to adjust to see one of the stereopticon pictures. And I wouldn't hear a word they were saying while I was adjusting the focus of my eyes like that.

I just look at the spot at the top of their nose, right between their eyebrows. I know people think I'm looking them in the eye because almost all the peer evaluations in my speech class several years ago said "great eye contact!" and I was really just looking at their noses the whole time.

to the original poster: here is what I do.

When someone starts talking, I glance at their eyes (I imitate eye contact, but if you can do eye contact, go ahead.) This glance lasts one to two seconds. then I look away and put my face in "thoughtful mode" as I listen. If they say something that sounds very important to them, I give another one to two second glance when they say it and then look away again.

When I sense it's nearly my turn to speak (I do have a hard time with the turn-taking, but I try.) I give another glance at the person but this time I hold the glance until they finish their last words and then I start speaking while looking at them but within about a second, I look away again. If I make an important point while I'm talking, I give a one second glance when I say it. When I'm winding up and it will be their turn, I look at them again as I say the last words and wither hold the look until they start talking or if they don't start talking right away, I look away after about two seconds and wait for the to start again (and give the start-talking glance when they do so they feel I'm listening.)

The glances are so the other person knows you're listening to what they're saying and also the glances can tell them when you're saying something important and when you're done talking. When you look away, try to keep your face only slightly turned away from them or evn directly facing them because people like to see your face when they're talking, even if they're only seieng your eyes in glances.

This is what I've figured out about looking while talking and sometimes I can do it but sometimes there's so much going on that I forget to make the glances. If the conversation seems to be stalling, think of whether you're making glances or not and if you haven't been doing it, make a glance so the other person feels you're "with them" and feels more comfortable to continue the conversation.

My mom has a small mole on the bridge of her nose. Ive tried looking there with her, but she can always tell! I think maybe she's self conscious about it and doesnt like people looking at it, but even if she's abnormally good at detecting someone who's looking between her eyes, it stills put me off from doing that with everyone else.