Looking Into the Past

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I am self diagnosed; I have no problem with this, as I've given it enough thought, and AS is the only explanation which even begins to fit all the odd things in my life that have haunted me.

But my father is a hoarder, and as he has dementia now, we need to clean the place out. He saved all sorts of crap, most of it totally useless. But today, I found a small hoard of letters and papers from my childhood, from various teachers and principals. This was in the late 1960s. They were all complaining about me, how I disrupted the classroom, how I had no idea how to get along with my classmates, how I was too loud, how I repeated whatever I said...

The thing that amazed me was how absolutely perfectly these letters matched the list of typical AS issues. Today, any letter from the school with a list like that would without a doubt suggest a formal evaluation. I'm not surprised - but I never realised it was that obvious. I never saw myself through everyone else's eyes until I read all those complaints.

I already know I have AS or HFA (whichever; the exact label doesn't matter), but I never guessed, even now, that I might as well have had "Aspie Freak" tattooed on my forehead. Well, no one would have known what that meant then, but you know what I mean... I actually saved these notes from the school: if I ever do go for a formal diagnosis, they ought to clinch it pretty quickly.

And my father even saved notes other kids passed me at school. Bullying stuff. The "Phantom Dagger", threatening me. "Love notes" supposed to be from other boys. (I am not trying to attack anyone who's gay - but at that time, if you got that kind of note, it was not real. It was a way to bully you. And if there was anyone writing real notes of that sort then, they didn't describe things, or sign them, the way these were written. Especially since one of them talked about how "handsome you are with your crossed eyes".) It was blatant stuff. I'd forgotten just how much crap I soaked up stuffed into a school system with a bunch of NTs.

If you've read my other posts, a lot of them are about how awful the school system was - but it turns out it was even worse than I'd remembered. It is really weird to get smacked across the head with that, with no warning at all.

The only reason this isn't posted in "The Haven" is because I'm wondering if this sort of thing has happened to anyone else. Have you had the chance to look back like this? Did it shake you up the way it has shaken me up?

Very similar, I had managed to block out most of the bad stuff. But when I when I began to suspect I had autistic tendencies and started looking for proof those memories came back to me. My father just passed away last month, and he was somewhat of a hoarder too, I'm been hauling a lot of stuff out of here, but so far I haven't found any letters.

I never had a sudden revelation. There are very few reminders of the past available to me. My parents were not sentimental, and threw out everything as soon as it was no longer necessary. I wish that they had kept some of it.

For the last 25 years, I have been in some form of therapy or self help. I have spent a lot of time in reflection, so I recall my childhood in a lot more detail than most people. It has been a revelation, because I will on occasion put the pieces together, and suddenly realize something. It doesn't disturb me when it happens. If anything, it brings me peace.