NEW HERE NOT SURE WHERE TO TURN

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Hi everyone, I hope I am posting in the correct place; I am so glad I found this site. I think that my husband may have Asperger's; A friend was telling me about mild adult autism and I ran across information relating to asperger's.

I have been to therapy, on medication, suffered from depression, anxiety and guilt. It is only recently I realized that none of this is working because it's situational.

My husband is a hard worker, but he has been mentally and verbally abusive over the years. He is very rigid, he has to plan everything from the time he gets up in the morning until he goes to bed. He is antisocial, at times he can be very rude; he is someone that it is very hard to have fun with, to joke and laugh with. Most things he does not find amusing. However, he can make jokes that are very dry and sometimes hurtful and embarrassing which he thinks is funny, others mostly do not.

If something doesn't go according to the way that he has planned or feels it should go, he will get very upset, agitated or just downright mad. For example, we took our grandchildren to the drive in, he had bought snacks and drinks and had everything planned. I went to the concession stand, which naturally they wanted to come. I bought them $3 worth of snacks. We return to the car he says I'll see you later. He walked 8 miles back to the house, just because I bought them snacks, when he had already put snacks in the car for them.

His walk is even very stiff, some people call him "Hulk" because of his walk. He likes to work out with weights. He will spend house a day at times with his weight lifting. He plans his bedtime, and if it's disrupted, he gets very upset. He goes to bed around 8:00, he will lay for hours counting because he can't go to sleep. He doesn't get that if he goes later that he may go to sleep faster.

He seems to lack empathy; I even asked him a few weeks ago if he has to ability to put himself in someone else's place to know how they must feel. He told me he doesn't and really has no empathy.

He is very protective and controlling over me; he wants a lot of attention from me, even if he's just watching tv, he wants me sitting in the living room also. I have a problem with this, so I normally don't do it, which leads to him becoming upset with me. If he feels lack of attention from me he will become agitated, irritated, or just depressed, it's almost like he walks away like I have smacked him. If I do fuss at him, he gets really upset, very hurt, and down. He has different reactions, such as whine, pout, get depressed, stomp off like a child. It just depends on what I say. There are many times I'm just trying to explain how I feel, and when he does this, it makes me feel that, etc., he takes it as an attack, he will get defensive, retaliate at times, or other times he may just throw his temper tantrum and walk off.

He really has no friends, he doesn't like to be around people, just me. He gets very uncomfortable when other's are around, which I now realize has led to me not having many friends. He has alienated most of my family, by his rude, arrogant and sarcastic behavior. There are times when he is telling me something, he will go on and on, it seems like every detail that took place, which has led to me getting irritated and anxious.

He has alienated several coworkers over the years because of his harsh, rude, and demanding attitude and behavior. He is an electrician, he told me that when he goes to work, he has to work basically non stop, he can't take time for small talk, he has things that need to get done and there is not time for anything else.

He is a supervisor now, one of his new employees he was calling big head, I kind of fussed at him about that, I told him that is very rude and offensive. In his mind because the boy does have a big head and didn't seem to mind, he felt it was okay. I just would have thought being common sense, that he would know that it is rude and offensive and most people especially your employee don't say anything.

There is a nurse at the school who is overweight. She was joking with him about something, in his mind he had to top her joke, in which he said something having to do with her being fat. I was horrified when he told me, in his mind there was nothing wrong with it. I have spent many days and hours recently trying to get him to understand how things he says or does make other people feel. He seems to start to get some of it, I really don't know yet.

He is very intelligent, his iq is above average. If I say a word incorrectly he is very quick to correct me, which has led to me getting irritated and fussing. I could go on, but I will stop here. I am 50 years old and I can't believe it looking back the last 20 years we have been together that I am just now may be finding some answer as to why his behavior is what it is. I don't know where to turn or what to do, or even how to start. I would appreciate any advice you may have. I am almost at the point of not being able to function and the last couple years, I lost my parents, and now deal with depression and still dealing with my husband's rituals', planning, etc.,

Thank you so much for your time,

Becky

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Greetings to you, Becky, and welcome to WrongPlanet!

Nobody here does any diagnosing, but your husband and I sure do sound alike.

Have you mentioned any of your suspicions about any form of autism to him?

I hope that you find the proper support and maybe some marriage counseling.

Thanks for your reply; I understand about diagnosing. I have done so much reading and research regarding mental and verbal abuse, along with my depression and anxiety. I haven't said anything to him yet about autism; I have just been reading and trying to understand the behaviors of asperger's along with the difficulties and struggles that stem from living with asperger's for some people.

I'm not sure how to approach him yet, he can be very hard to talk to as far as understanding what I am trying to say to him as well as him becoming defensive.

I have read many posts from others, for a better understanding of autism. I guess what I am really trying to figure out is if he sounds like someone who may have austism or asperger's. I'm not really sure of the difference yet. Recently I thought he may be a Narcissist. I just know that it has gotten to the point that I feel like I'm losing my mind at times, I have thought maybe it's me...if I didn't do this or if I did this different he wouldn't behave in this manner.

If he does suffer from austism or asperger's, it would give me a better understanding of his behavior; I am going to read some more posts and topics and talk to him and see if would be willing to go see someone for a diagnosis, or find out what's going on with him.

I do feel bad for him, but I don't know how to help him. The few times we are out in public, he isolates himself, he doesn't want to be around other people. He can't seem to relax, laugh and enjoy himself. If we eat out, it's like he's on guard, he has to sit in a place where no one get sit behind him, just incase someone tries to do something, I don't know what...I guess like attack him or me.

Just from what I have read, and I know he needs to be diagnosed by a professional, he has so many behaviors and characteristics of autism, that it really shocked me. I thought that is why he behaves the way he does. He always goes and sits in his van at lunch at work and will not stay and talk to the others, which I always thought was so sad that he does that, he would just tell me he'd rather be alone than around his co-workers.

Anyway, I will keep reading and find a way to approach him regarding the possibility of autism and do my best to have him to to a doctor that can give him a diagnosis as to what may be going on with him.

Perhaps go to the library and borrow a book about Aspergers. Leave it 'strategically' on the side of a counter or sofa or something and see if he reads it too. Maybe he himself will work things out. If he questions why you were reading it just say that you saw a documentary/newspaper article about AS and you wanted to know more.

I don't know if this would work for you but it worked for me (except my Mum didn't leave the book anywhere, I found it under her pillow!)

_________________
I have HFA, ADHD, OCD & Tourette syndrome. I love animals, especially my bunnies and hamster. I skate in a roller derby team (but I'll try not to bite )

Thanks for your helpful responses. I have spoken to him over the years about things that he does that I perceive as "not normal". He just shrugs it off and says he's not normal, he doesn't know what normal is.

He has somewhat of a speech impairment; he will sometimes stutter or run his words together. He often has to repeat himself because it's hard to understand at times what he says or it is misinterpreted.

I mentioned the possibility of ASP to him, he just was very casual about the possibly of him having ASP. He said if he has it, there's nothing he can do about it, basically it doesn't concern him one way or another or change anything as far as he's concerned.

We actually did start seeing a marriage counselor, we've been 4 times, he told my husband several times that what his behavior was spousal abuse. I actually don't have to say much. My husband just seems to ramble on in sort of a bragging way of things he has said to me and things that I need to do, in a way I felt as though he's hanging himself, I don't have to say much regarding things he does to me. Things that he's telling the counselor, from listening to him, seem like normal behavior to him. It's as though he has no clue that these things that he does and says are wrong, it is abuse. He was actually surprised when the therapist told him it was abuse, I had told him...he didn't believe me, but now with a third party, it may be sinking in, and also understanding the fact that I am about done, I'm on the verge of leaving. I can't live my life walking on egg shells and dealing with his slurs and digs daily.


It will be hard to get him to go for testing since he doesn't care if he has ASP, and in his mind it changes nothing. I'm not sure where to go from here, I will try the counseling for awhile, I'm not really sure if he's capable of making the changes to save our marriage. The therapist picked up quickly that I am suffering from major depression. I feel so beat down, medication doesn't seem to work, so that's another area I have to find a way to deal with to get myself better.

Thank again for the replies, it means a lot.

Becky

I think you are looking for excuses for him. He just sounds mean and uncaring, in my thinking these are not anything to do with autism. Sorry for all your trouble, you can't fix him, a diagnosis of anything will not necessarily make things better if he is happy with who and what he is.
He also sounds like he enjoys bullying people who have to take it from him, again, nothing like what I have learned about autism.

As far as your depression, you need to take care of yourself, focusing on what you think may be "his problem" will not help you at all, will actually hurt because you only have control over yourself.
I think the best thing you can do is to talk with a therapist you trust about your issues and what you can do about making a happy life for yourself, not spending your energy to try and change someone.
Please don't blame abusive behavior on something like autism, it's just a waste of time. It also sounds like you are looking for people to be "on your side" in an ongoing power struggle with your husband. As far as someone who behaves the way he does being surprised it is "abuse", that is a very typical response of abusers, but deep down we all know when we hurt others, besides, you have told him, and if that isn't enough, if when someone hurts you and you say "ouch" and their response is to ignore the fact they hurt you, that is just more abuse.

I appreciate your response and I do understand what you are saying; as far as looking for excuses, that is not the case, it's understanding that I'm looking for. Posting on site trying to get help is great, helpful, useful along with great support. It's hard initially when you post to a new site; there are so many things that you want to say but try to be brief and to the point.

My husband does come across as mean and uncaring at times, but he also has a side that he will do anything in the world for me. He doesn't get, know how, or just doesn't care, etc., appropriate social skills, what is acceptable and not acceptable to people. He does come across as a bully, although he doesn't realize his behavior, his dry sense or humor is not funny or that he is being intimidating. He told the therapist last night that he will do whatever he has to to make me happy, even if he has to get tested.

I actually haven't spent a lot of time trying to change him, there are periods it just became normal to me until I would read something or see a show on abuse, at times I have talked to him about his behavior, even printed out things for him to read, he will read them. I have been judged many times by others because of my anxiety and depression as though it's not real, it's in my head. I quit my job a couple years ago to care for my mother when she was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor, she died 8 months later, my father 14 months later. It was after that death that I realized just how bad his behavior, and temper tantrums were affecting me.

I haven't worked since my parent's death which means I am around him more, his constant planning every detail of each day out, his routine... if something doesn't go in the way he planned he becomes very irritated, upset, and angry, which leads to him fussing at me more times than not. His routines can get very irritating for me, he even plans his bedtime, and it has to be the exact time every night or he gets upset. He counts the minutes it takes him to go places, if he tell you he will be somewhere at 6 a.m., he's there at 6 a.m., if he arrives a few minutes early he will sit in the vehicle until the time he specified.

He puts so much stress on himself with his schedule and routines, that cannot always be kept, that when it does not work he just drives me over the edge. That, along with his slurs, digs, etc.,

I would never try to blame his behavior on autism; by chance if he does have it, he needs help if he's willing, not ridicule and judgement. If the counseling doesn't work, and I am starting individual counseling and it turns out that he is just a selfish bully and jerk and chooses to continue to be, he will do it to someone else, I had decided several weeks ago and told him that I'm at the point of leaving. I choose to do counseling with him as a last resort.

Autism was only something I considered after speaking with a friend who works in the mental health system. I read the Ausie test along with other things, and I can honestly say he has so many of the symptoms of ASP; I felt it is something to consider and tell him in hopes that he will go for a diagnosis. If he chooses not to then he will have to choose the consequences because I will not stay in this relationship anymore.

His behavior is 100% abuse, whether he has an illness or not; I know that he like anyone else deserves a chance for help. To me it's like calling someone lazy who is suffering from severe depression; no ones knows until they live their life. I know what mental illness can do to a person from my experience.

I am starting to work on myself; hopefully he can and will get the help he needs whether it's through therapy or a diagnosis.

Britt, I enjoyed reading your story even though I have trouble following along on large blocks of text. I will say that you sound much like my darling wife as she often describes me. 8> Really, if a person is capable of maintaining employment and handling personal finances a diagnosis really won't "change anything". As you described, the socialization and relationships is by far the hardest part of life. We don't really plan on being that way; we just are. Thank you for sharing.

This site is a very good place to start. You can learn a lot by reading everybody's posts and picking our brains just by doing that without asking a lot of questions.

Well, I officially haven't a clue what your husband has, but you guys working it out?

*does happy dance*

Out where I live, this sort of thing happens a lot. They're usually lost causes. This is the most awesome story I've heard. I hope this works out okay for you, and I'm so glad you're starting to work things out! Way to go! May you be blessed with fruition of your goals.