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syrella
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Joined: 14 Jan 2011
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 942
Location: SoCal

04 Jul 2011, 8:34 pm

I just moved back in with my parents again after having been off at college for the past few years and I'm again struggling with the same anxiety that I did when I was little. Whenever I engage in my interests or stay in my room too long, I feel like I'm gonna get yelled at.

When I was younger, I used to constantly look over my shoulder whenever I played video games, when I made art, and when I was engaged in anything that didn't directly involve studying.

I've always been a good student and I got my work done, but the time I spent actually doing my work was minimal at best. It's taken me a long time to reach the point where I've accepted that I need a lot of downtime and a lot of doing what I want to do before I can even consider doing work. Part of it is ADHD, some of it may be AS. Either way, I love what I do when I'm alone. If left to my own devices, it's pretty much all I would do. When I was off at college, that was what I did. I got my act together enough to attend classes and to study some of the time, but most of my time was still spent happily in my room.

Anyhow, the problem I run into is that I constantly feel like I'm being judged when I'm at home, mostly by my dad.

When I was younger, my dad would sometimes come in and check on what I was doing. If I was studying, he'd nod approvingly. But if I wasn't doing what he wanted to, I was in for a lecture. Many times I'd end up in tears. I believe now that my reaction was more due to stress and not so much related to what he said. He wasn't ever abusive. He wanted me to succeed in life and he had a strong opinion on what I needed to do to get there.

However, that said, I didn't always understand that. All I saw was my dad coming in and telling me that I had to stop what I was doing and study... and after, how I would feel very drained. Over time, my behavior changed in response. I learned to "fake" what I was doing and also to not tell him certain things. It was very hard, as I'm usually an extremely honest person. Hiding who I am means being not as honest as I'd like. It also means avoiding arguments, which is an even stronger incentive.

Yes, I can shut the door, but it never seems to help much. I'm still hyper-aware of any sounds that go on outside my room, though. For example, if my dad goes out for the day, I will listen carefully for the sound of the car or the sound of the garage. I know that it's silly and completely irrational, but it's something of a trained response. And the worst part about is that the family dynamic HAS changed a bit. My dad isn't nearly as controlling as he used to be. He has stated specifically that he wants me to be welcome at home. He barely "lectures" me on anything anymore.

Yet I still feel a high level of stress and I'm not sure how to cope with it in a productive manner.

What happens is that I end up not being able to concentrate due to anxiety and I jump from task to task. Sometimes I'll stim... pace around my room a bit, bite my lip, and be generally useless. It's not enjoyable and nothing gets done. No work and no relaxing alike. Sometimes I'll go out for a bit, but I don't feel like I can do that for very long. I don't have any friends that live within a hundred miles and I prefer to be at home, anyhow, when given the option. I don't know what other options there are.

One solution is that I find a way to move out. The other, of course, is to learn how to deal with anxiety in a positive way. I'd prefer the latter, as it's more long term, but I don't know if it's possible now at this stage.

So I guess I'd just like to hear if anyone else feels their parent's presence this strongly or how to deal with anxiety surrounding family members. Any advice? Have any of you been met with strong resistance from parents who felt your interests were excessive? How did you deal with it or approach them about it?


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