Doubting My Diagnoses

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Hi all,

**WARNING: VERY LONG AND WHINY**

I am a 24-year-old student living in New Zealand, diagnosed with a mild form of Asperger's Syndrome, but the diagnosis seemed more a suggestion as to which mental health profile my my mind best fits as opposed to a concrete affirmation of what was (is?) wrong with me. This was after I had sought out help for self-imposed isolation that had been allowed to consume much of my life, as I had spent nigh on five years in-doors, for reasons which I am still not absolutely clear on.

At an early age, I learned that most NTs responded well to humour and used this to build tenuous relationships with them, and I had no difficulties with pretend play. I enjoyed tag and such, pretending to be a ravenous beast/monster, pursuing my "prey" throughout the labyrinthine schoolyard jungle gym. At home, however, I was quite a different child, prefering my own company to that of my friends', spending a lot of time in my room recreating my favourite films - Star Wars, Aliens, etc. - and mimicking great directors like Steven Spielberg and Ridley Scott. I wanted clear boundaries between home and school, and only my closest of friends would be invited to take part in my inner world.

But I changed schools and had to re-develop social ties with the pupils at my new school, and so I adopted humour in order to forge anew these social ties, and it was largely a success. Again, the distinction between home and school was in place, and only a chosen few (2, if my feeble memory is to believed) were permitted to pass by this distinction. My time at intermediate (middle school for you Americans, I think) followed a similar pattern to my earlier school days, but this time I had to amplify my comedic talents in order to attract slightly older and socially savvier NTs. This is where I believe the problems started. I became disruptive in class and talked and giggled constantly, and my disruptive behaviour was reflected in my school reports, grades suffered, and so forth.

As a youngster, it was almost as if I perceived that I would suffer social stagnation down the line, and so I thought that if I adopted a persona that allowed me some companionship that any such future social failings could be subverted. I thought that sacrificing academic merits was a worthy one if it meant I would be able to build friendships. But I was wrong. By high school, whatever the "real" me was had been long forgotten and assimilated by my efforts to act out the role of class clown, yet I still questioned who I really was beneath it. After a time, the mask I wore (a metaphor for my assumed identity for those of you with difficulties interpreting such) fell away and I could no longer play the part I had created for myself.

Everything thereafter felt meaningless, and I now felt stupid for putting aside my education for trivial pursuits, receding from the physical world into the comfort and safety of my own mind. I ditched school frequently at this stage, sometimes with one of my closest friends, and if not with her, then I would hide away at home and tried to disappear. I wanted others to forget me, I think, so that I could detach from the world beyond without any residual ties to it. It worked too well, I fear. The time that I spent isolated from the outside world is a blur to me now and I can remember very little of it, only that protracted time spent in-doors had made me a little crazier than prior to my being cooped up in my tiny flat, with thoughts of suicide running rampant. I managed to outwit myself on that front, however, and never went so far as to attempt to take my own life.

So now I'm thinking that I need help (duh), so I call a hotline number, speak to a rather pleasant young man who remarks on my intelligence, even making an association between crazy people and genius by way of example of Albert Einstein (oh, the irony). I get referred to counsellors - who were definitely not skilled enough to help in my particular case - and from there, thanks to a doctor who realised I needed specialist help, was again referred to a mental health service provider -- a mighty good one, too. So then I go through therapy for my depressive episode, put on a medication called risperdal or resperidone (why does it have two names??), but beyond that, they were initially stumped as to why a thinking human being would spend so much of his life confined to a tiny flat.

I used the tendency of some Japanese youths as an example of others who isolated to just such an extent as I had, but nobody seemed to have an explanation for why they isolated either; was I the only one? It appeared so. Of course, to further complicate my situation, the social conventions of the time had changed as I had known them, and I was socially well behind seemingly the entire world at this point. I had no knowledge of emos or scenesters or hipsters and the like, it were as though I had awoken in a foreign world. A novel by H.G. Wells comes to mind, The Wanderer I believe it was called.

A little while later, a budding psychologist brings to my attention a rather perplexing neurological condition known as Asperger's Syndrome, and of its relation to Autism, at which I almost scoffed. I was quite clearly not autistic, at least as I knew the term to be, so why give me such a label? She then requested that she interview my mother, who to this day I remain unsure of in regards to placement on the Spectrum, and thereafter apologised for any rude comments or abruptness on the part of my mother as I knew she was inclined to do. Then came the dreaded I.Q. test, which I had half-hoped would reveal my latent genius-ness, if only to provide some level of vindication for being completely bonkers; alas, that was not to be, and she never did give me my final tally as she knew that I placed great weight on intellect, especially now that it was all that remained of me.

She reported that I tested very highly in the linguistic portion of the test, which I was relieved to hear as it remains my main area of study and interest, the highest that had been recorded at this institution by her estimation. She was now more confident in terming me an "aspie", but I don't know why, maybe somebody here on Wrong Planet can give me clarity on that. Yet somehow the label never took, it didn't quite fill in all the gaps in my psyche, or maybe I just didn't understand what was implied by being an "aspie". Fast-forward a few years later, and the isolation remains an ever present foible, like a drug habit I can't kick it dogs me wherever I go, like a bed beckoning to me that I cease my struggles against insomniatic exhaustion and dive into sleep and dreams.

Now at university and doing very well, as I knew would be the case, I eye my peers and see how they mingle so effortlessly, but instead of jealousy or resentment, I feel a fascination for them and their ways despite lacking the understanding of how they operate in the way that they do. They buzz like bees, the class in our building but one small cell in a great hive of knowledge, but I cannot buzz as they do. I am locked out of their dimensional frequency, sharing the same space but existing on a different planar level of thought and function. But I persist in my studies, doggedly determined to see my tertiary lessons through, fighting against the burdensome nature of anxiety each and every day. At the end of each semester, however, it creeps up again, that desire to retreat from everything, a desire that threatens to overwhelm me again as it had in the past. So I slip, here and there at first; a week away from the world is surely not so bad is it? However, those weeks became months, time blurring yet again so that I do not notice how it sneaks up behind me so, but I have the forethought of past behaviours to tell me that I need to venture beyond the four walls of my room, so again I consult a medical authority to help define me with yet more wearisome labels.

I mention to this doctor that the condition, Asperger's Syndrome, has been applied to me before, but that I did not think it truly fit me and was therefore a throwaway label that had no real meaning for me; he says otherwise, mentions a son with Autism, who in turn has a friend with Asperger's. So I take notice. After all, he had first-hand experience with Autism and would know best, would he not? Again, I am prescribed risperdal/resperidone, half a milligram a day as was the recommended dosage the previous times I had made use of the stuff. I take his words to heart, do a spot of research, a topic of which there was much to be researched.

Pupils always dilated? Check. Sensory issues or hypersensitivity? I hate brushing my teeth because it is painful, especially if I attempt to brush the gum area, and showers with droplets like slow-moving bullets, so will avoid doing either if I can get away with it. That said, I don't bawl like a baby or cry in a corner if I do those things, just discomforted throughout both procedures. So check, I think? Really, though, if I only have my own tolerance of pain to go by, how am I to know otherwise? Anyway, moving on: Self-centred-ness? Check. Face blindness? No, I can read faces very well with little to no difficulty at all, thank you very much. Eye contact? Yes, I can make eye contact, but it seems to differ depending on the person. Other academics I can easily meet eye-to-eye with, but roguish fools and their gangs of chums? Stare at the floor until the danger passes to avoid panic! I also prefer the company of older folk. Meltdowns? Okay, this is a tricky one, but I relish an immacculate appearance - spotless and exact - if even one hair is out of place, RAGE!! I actually physically attacked myself once for having a bad hair day, pulling at my hair in frustration like Carrie's mother at the end of Stephen King's Carrie, it even meant that I could not leave the house on many such occasions, yet I don't know if that is a meltdown or excessively (morbidly, even.) narcissistic. Does anyone know? We'll leave that one as an "?" for now, then. Weird way of posturing? Yes, I am constantly fidgeting with how I place my limbs, trying to look natural, stand up straight, but it grows tiresome after a while. I was even told that I displayed terrible body language during a job interview. Uh-oh.

What's next on the diagnostic criteria checklist, I wonder? Oh, yes, limited or repetitive behaviours and narrow interests. I consider the fact that I only travel between university and my place of residence to be rather limiting and repetitious so, yes? I think? Also, given that those few days when I have no classes, what am I doing? I'm at home, reading up on yet more Asperger's Syndrome articles and topics and still not really understanding it. Yippee! Wait, could that double as a narrow interest, because that's one area of the diagnostic criteria that I find so infuriatingly vague. I like writing, but I would hardly call dramatic fiction writing a "narrow interest", I also like some sci-fi - Doctor Who, Star Wars and Farscape being the most eminent examples - yet that genre isn't really very narrow is it? Again, a "?" for that part of the checklist. Have I left anything out (again, the feeble memory)? Screw it, let's leave the reminder of the freaking checklist all "?s" for now because I am sick of constantly going over it in order fit someone else's idea of abnormal! That and the fact that this little rant has turned into a tidal wave of melodrama and whinging, of course.

Sorry, to those of you out there who were suckered into wading through all of that rambling, but I needed a place to just deploy all of my pent-up frustrations dealing with this mess of a life of mine. It's just that I can't seem to communicate any of the above to the specialists equipped to deal with it, it just doesn't come when needed, drifting at the back of my mind like toilet paper in a backed-up toilet bowl. Pardon the analogy, if you will. I don't have the experience with this condition that many of you have, but think that it would explain a great deal about me, even though I think that it still doesn't quite match up. I don't "check all the boxes".

If it's any help, as an infant a would be perfectly content to play on my own without the presence of anybody nearby, and never really cried, or so I am told. Apparently I would even wake up on my own and play quietly in my crib, with nary a peep. Oh, and I was abnormally afraid of heights, stairs and such, to the point where I would even crawl up small hills or dips rather than walk them, and an abiding fear of escalators that continues to this day. Not sure if that's what the diagnostic criteria says is a symptom of Asperger's Syndrome, but there you have it. I am also generally not a fan of forums and social networking, prefering my privacy exclusively; this post is more a cry for help rather than a life-time commitment to the world of forums.

I'm also not in any kind of denial, I have no prejudice towards aspies nor the Asperger's community - really anyone, for that matter - not that I've met any, though I've seen a few on YouTube (one of the better websites out there - if you avoid the comments) and some I identified with, others not. I posted this rather long examination of my life because I'm sick of all the confusion surrounding what I have or don't have, I want to know it and comprehend it so I can move on with my life. Without knowing, really knowing who I am, I think I'll have a nervous breakdown. Another nervous breakdown, rather.

I would like to think that this double diagnosis is befitting of my state of mind, but with everything that I read on the subject, in comes the flood of confusion replete with my feeling like a blank, non-entity. If anyone out there can aid in healing this rift, this wound, in me, I would be very grateful. As it may be obvious by now, I am new to these forums - and this diagnosis by extension - so kindly ignore any minor ignorance on my part unless it obfuscates the area in which I am failing to understand.

Thanks

Edit: Needed to correct the improper spelling of "roguish" (correct) as opposed to "rougish" (incorrect). So much for language competence

Last edited by TwistedReflection on 22 Sep 2011, 1:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I can't tell you whether you have Asperger's or not but just wanted to say I enjoy the way you use language

You read all that, did you? It's good to have a place to spew nonsense, in my opinion; not that forums are confessionals or anything, but it certainly helps to unload. I forgot to mention that I also enjoy, or a more apt way of phrasing it may be "relieved by", talking to myself.

I don't reply to myself, however, which seems to be the cut-off marker for self-directed speech that indicates madness. I think I do this mainly due to my mind's means of processing thoughts, like a washing machine churning mounds of dirty laundry. When I give voice to those thoughts, I can better order them, decelerating my brain at the end of any given day so I can actually sleep. Pacing and lip-picking, "stimming" as I've been told to view this behaviour as, just seems like other options of calming a busy mind, not of Autism. Once, I paced for three hours without stopping, but I was writing at the time and walking while thinking allows for original thinking.

It's almost as though psychiatrists expect us to articulate exactly what we do on any given day, and rehearse before their eyes those very same doings we happen to engage in. For instance, I was also told that my stroking my neck, running my fingers and palm over the regrowth and whatnot, was actually a stim! I thought I was just ascertaining when best to shave next!

Anyway, thanks for the reply , though I confess to disappointment insofar that you can't help much to clarify these issues

I don't know if you have it or not. It's hard to say. I engaged in pretend play too and I played games and had friends. But I also had difficulty with friends too and relating to them but I be fine at my own house. Just as long as things were going my way, I was fine. Plus you don't need all the symptoms to have it.

If you are doubting your diagnoses, feel free to get tested again to confirm it.

Also you can take online quizzes to see where you score:


http://www.rdos.net/eng/


Click on Aspie Quiz on the left side


http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html

I've managed to do both, but neither helped in any real way; for what it's worth, these were my test scores:

RDOS Test:

117 AS score.

vs.

84 NT score.

"You seem to have both neurotypical and aspie traits". And what the hell do I make of that?

Asperger's Quotient:

22.

Basically tells me I'm on the border and that I should seek to get formally tested.

The thing is, though, I already have diagnoses and have all the medical records to attest to that, but I want to prove it to myself. It just doesn't seem right to call yourself an aspie if don't believe that it applies to you. Maybe I'm just obsessive and neurotic, I don't know, but I'm about done with this fool's quest re-diagnosing thing; perhaps the doctors are all just idiots and I'm nothing entirely?

I have to agree with LittleBlackcat that your writing is brilliant! I'm on the lower functioning end of Aspergers/High functioning autism, so I need quite a lot of help, but it is important to know that because autism is a spectrum, (even Aspergers comes under a spectrum) you might have it on the really high functioning end. Some of the things you mention could possibly be other conditions such as anxiety disorders or dyspraxia, but I don't know if it is really worth looking into that. My biggest question would be; 'are you happy?' If you answer yes, then just carry on being happy. If you answer is no, then you need to look into this further and get help for it. The only reason I have always been so persistent getting a diagnosis was because I struggled so much with my difficulties.

Also Apologies because my writing is not as good as yours. It usually is but I have had problems typing recently

When I said to get it confirmed, I meant to see if you really have it or not. Getting a second opinion. This seems to be driving you crazy about if you have it or not so why not get re tested to see if it's a misdiagnoses or if you really do have it.

I think I'm beyond the point of being "driven crazy", actually, but maybe a third opinion is in order, or perhaps I should over this with my doctor whose intimate knowledge on the matter seems more acute than even my psychologist's. I didn't mean to annoy you with it. I think that what would really help if someone could read this excerpt of my life and glean from anything from their own. "Misery loves company", as the saying goes.



Thank you, that's a generous comment the likes of which only aspies could give But am I good at writing because of AS, or is it a natural gift. Then again, I suppose that AS is perfectly natural, from a certain point of view. I actually think you write rather well, I just sound archaic and cantankerous, like an old person reliving the "good old days"

Some parts of your post indicate that you may have social phobia or social anxiety, though it's hard to tell. It's interesting that you were clown of the class for a time, just like me, only approx. 4 years later than me. Perhaps, writing down your thoughts about possible symptoms of yours beforehand may help you overcome the brain fog you experience at the psych, helping her to sort out them for you.

That is, indeed, interesting. Like I said, though, I felt like I was playing a role and that I served no other purpose for genuine social interaction with others beyond mere ornamental entertainment. I learned to act the fool. It was an abasement of the self. There's nothing wrong with having a sense of humour, of course, but when you have to depend on it like I did for no other reason than to "connect" with people, you have a problem.

Having said that, going back further into my infancy, I don't see much strong evidence that correlates with AS, so I'm back at square one. One thing that is odd is the issues I had with even low-level heights, which may be a sensory/spatial deficiency. But I'm no clinician, so I guess I'll never know. Writing down my feelings seems to work best, though, better than I can communicate them at least, as you say. Thanks for the advice!

When your social skills suck, sometimes there's a great revelation in discovering that when you stumble socially and people laugh, if you just say "I meant to do that" and act like its all a goof, the next step is finding that you can gain acceptance by intentionally clowning.

If you find that you take someone's metaphoric statement literally and it gets a giggle, you can learn to pun - taking your literalness to the extreme for others' amusement. Humor can be a coping mechanism for an autistic's limited social skills - a way of making up for the skills you don't have and masking the fact that you're struggling to function. A method of pretending to be normal when you're not.

I turned it into a career as a radio disc jockey. Dan Akroyd turned it into a career as a comedic actor. That's what High Functioning means - able to find ways to hide your autism and work around it, so its not so obvious.

Exactly. To be honest, I have acted in a similar manner later in my life many times. I let people to laugh at me, rather than laugh with me, just to connect with them.

Having some phobias alone does not indicate anything, though the questionnaire I have submitted for my evaluation (that's tomorrow, btw) has questions concerning phobias. I also had some with heights and escalators, besides swimming pool water circulation systems.

You didn't annoy me.

Well, that essentially sums up everything it took me a page or more to say! I hadn't considered Dan Akroyd as an example, yet it makes logical sense; but my later reaction to "role-playing" had an adverse effect in later life. I can barely tell a joke now without people giving me strange looks. I can't draw from humour as well I had in my youth -- it sounds forced and contrived. It helped for a good while, but people seem more appreciative of my academic perfomance now more than humour ever had. Aren't sociopaths proverbial "wolves in sheeps" clothing", too? Maybe I'm sociopathic and not AS after all??

I shouldn't complain, really, as whether or not I have AS seems to be of no real consequence for myself as it has been for others. It's simply that the diagnosis fits in some ways, and not in others, so I don't wish to apply the label personally for fear that I am wrong or will offend those who know the nature of this condition well. Let people on the Spectrum decide, I say, those perhaps more aggrieved by it than I.

Oh. You can never be too safe, though



I was under the impression that most children do not develop a sense for danger until later in their development, though, which is why I posed the question. I would actively avoid staircases, for example, and even now, the weird sensation that envelops me as a descend a flight of stairs means that I have retained at least a fraction of the fear I exhibited as a child.

It might also be worth mentioning that I took some personality tests and scored as an INTJ multiple times, and as an INTP when in a slightly more chipper mood. Weirdly, I have a facial structure that seems to mirror that of the ESTP personality, so I'm not the bearded, tweed-wearing intellectual that some IRL feel that I should resemble. That said, my sense of dress is unusual to say the least, as I often sport dress shirts with really any kind of jacket and close-fitting jeans. I've heard that most aspies dress for comfort, whereas I seem to dress to feel [/i]more[i] tense and constricted; I think I like the added sense of layers against the prying of the eyes of strangers. It's like a uniform, maybe slightly Communist in that I like my shirts buttoned to my chin; I joked with someone once that I might've been North Korean in a former life

Oh, and this'll probably make no sense to anyone, but an elderly woman sharing a few of my papers at university said that I was an "Indigo"- something or other, that angels were telling her that I needed to know or awaken or some crap. Bizarre, I know

She said it was in my eyes, hynoptic or quixotic or something. It was total BS, of course, but I've heard stories about children/adults with Asperger's Syndrome that share similar pupil sizes and glazed-over, inwardly-focused eyes. Or am I wrong in assuming this?