Boss is taking advantage of my poor communication skills :(

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I told my boss that I have Aspergers a couple of months ago. Overall he has been really good about it and I got a bit of flexibility that I desperately needed to keep from going on disability.

But something I'm noticing is that he is now trying to get information out of me that would get other people into trouble. I obviously don't want to get other people in trouble, but I am not fast at thinking and stumble over my words when put on the spot. I also don't always understand his motives when he asks me questions. He knows this. And he has often got information out of me because of it.

I feel like it is not right that he is essentially using my poor verbal communication skills for his own goals. But I'm not sure what to do

I think the boss is using your honesty and willingness to be helpful, to find out stuff that others would keep quiet about. If he asks something that you think is prying (althought I can tell from your post you might find it difficult to determine this), just say that you don't know anything about it, if that's at all possible. I did that at work. I knew they knew I was lying. But, they then got the message that I was not willing to get involved and that I was much more intelligent than they had originally thought.

As for working out the boss's motives, I hope someone else can help you with that one.

Do you feel that your boss is on your side? Would he stand up for you or help you if you were taking heat?

If so, it's ok to give him inside information. Unless you really care about the people you might get in trouble.

However, if you're anything like me, you don't fit into the peer group very well. You're left out of water cooler talk and hanging out for lunch. Those people don't mean much then.

Therefore, by giving your boss information you're gaining sway without losing anything. Sounds like a winning situation.

Maybe you could try asking him directly about it? Tell him that it makes you uncomfortable and that you are worried about the situation. It's possible that simply letting him know that you are aware of the situation will get him to back off. He may think that you are none the wiser. I mean, you have Asperger's, right? That must mean that you are completely clueless.

Alternatively, since he has been helping you out, maybe he thinks that you owe him something... and asking the questions may be his form of collecting those favors. Hurray for social reciprocity, right?

To me, his motives sound fairly clear. He is likely just trying to get the "scoop" on his employees. to see who is doing their job properly and who isn't. He is an employer and it's natural for him to want to know what goes on outside of his view. It doesn't sound terribly fair that he is using you for information, but, on the other hand, your fellow employees probably shouldn't be behaving in such a way as to get themselves into trouble. I guess the choice is up to you. If you want to protect your co-workers, you can always say that you don't know, as others have said. Otherwise, just do what you're doing. It may not feel right, but you also can't be responsible for how other people's behavior.

In regards to saying "I don't know", the real difficulty is just trying to figure out when he is asking a genuine question and when he is trying to dig up information about your co-workers. Are you able to easily tell? Or is it only in retrospect that you know? I find that it's difficult to know what will get someone in trouble and what won't. I've said lots of things before that could get someone in trouble, all without meaning to. A police lady showed up at my door after our car got vandalized. She asked a question I didn't know and I immediately call my mom and say, "Sorry to make you pick up the phone while you're driving..." Need I mention that it's illegal to drive while talking on a cell phone in California? I realized what I'd done after the fact when my mom got home. Haha. At least she didn't get in trouble...

Basically, the biggest factor I think would be, is your boss going to throw you under the bus when he's done doing what he's doing, or is he going to raise you up with him? Think about it that way.

Exactly. If it came to a point where the boss was being disciplined, Alexi would become entwined in the situation. And what respectable person would want to be promoted, as a result of sucking up to someone like that (although I know many who would). I wouldn't get involved with this sort.

Many low to mid level managers are like that. I find it deplorable, disgusting and manipulative. Best way to deal with it, if it makes you uncomfortable, is just ignore all the chit-chat that goes on. Whenever people start bad mouthing others to you, tell them you don't want to hear it and want nothing to do with the gossip.

Then, when your manager comes to you, tell him you don't really pay any attention to the gossip and crap that goes on around you. The lower the level of manager, the less they like you ignoring gossip. The higher they are, the more they respect it. In general anyway.

I refuse to listen to workplace gossip. As far as I'm concerned, when managers start asking me about that crap, they've just brought themselves down to the same level as the low-level gossipers, and I lose respect for them.

This is a big part of my uncertainty with what to do. I have a very black/white, "right" / "wrong" way of thinking. I often find that the behaviour of the other staff is "wrong", but I know that life is not that simple, and also that telling the boss that someone is doing something "wrong" is "wrong". Lying (saying I don't know anything, when I do) is also "wrong".

It is usually in retrospect that I realize what I have said that could be used against others. When asked a question my head goes straight to truth. He knows I tell the truth.

Yeah, that's the hard part.

Well, if you absolutely must tell the truth (I'd probably do that too), then what you could try is to just say that you know the answer, but don't want to say. Explain that it puts you into a difficult position when he keeps asking about your co-workers and that it is stressing you out. If he has helped you out in the past and you are grateful for it, be sure to say thanks.

Anyhow, the goal is to get the message across in a manner that is polite but firm. Easier said than done, I know, but hopefully you can figure something out. Are there any other coworkers you can speak to about it for advice?

Hmmm, no. I don't have a "friend" relationship with anyone at work.

I know that there really isn't any easy answer to the situation. I think the main thing that is upsetting me is that he is essentially using my AS for his own goals. It makes me feel incredibly taken advantage of.


This is exactly what I think is happening.

Well, the best thing you could do is just clue him in to the fact that you are aware of what he's doing. Otherwise, it sounds like the behavior will just continue. No easy answer, as with anything, but maybe it'll cause him to reconsider his actions.

When I feel people are trying to use me for answers, I just simply refuse to answer their questions. Problem solved. No need to lie.