For Those Whose Parents Have a Hard Time Accepting

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shaybugz
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11 May 2012, 5:06 pm

I've been there... am there in fact. It kills me that the person I'm supposed to be able to count on to support me unconditionally avoids the reality, or denies something that I definitely need her support of. And so, I wrote her this letter, which I thought may help others as well, and so I edited it slightly, and made it into this blog post. If you think it will help, please share it with your parents or others.

http://shaynagier.com/aspergers-and-myopia.html/

Thanks. :-)


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Kaelynn
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12 May 2012, 2:33 am

My parents are divorced and my dad tells me I have been brain washed by my mom. My dad says that my mom just tells me I have aspergers but its not really ture. But 6 years ago I went through 5 days of testing with different therapists and doctors and they diagnosed me with aspergers and a whole bunch of other stuff. And my dad drove me back and forth to that testing those 5 days. He talked to all the people about it and every thing and he is convinced that I have grown out of it.



Joe90
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12 May 2012, 4:12 am

My mum had no choice but to accept my condition. I know she'd rather I was just NT like everybody else around us, and I don't blame her because that's what I wish too. I feel sorry for my mum because she had a terrible upbringing with her dad, he had an alcohol problem and it was severe and it interferred with his children's lives and has possibly even given them PTSD, and so now my mum fears abnormality. And yes, the poor girl goes and has a child with AS, which is also abnormality and insanity, so she practically had to deal with insanity all her life, just when she thought she had gotten away from it.

So I don't blame her for finding it hard to deal or accept her daughter has AS, even though I was diagnosed when I was 8. She still loves me, and gives me lots of support and I've never felt neglected or unloved, never in my life. She's always tried her best, and she's the best mum I could ever wish for. But you know what most people are like, they get married and have kids when they are young, and they don't really think about the outcomes of it. I know she didn't think, ''oh - I'd better not have this child, what if it has AS or something?'' because AS wasn't even known back then (this was 1989). My brother was normal and healthy, and so she thought she'd give him alittle brother or sister, who was also normal and healthy, right up until it started school (it was still healthy but it was emotionally a f*****g wreck).


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Wandering_Stranger
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12 May 2012, 5:04 am

I guess I'm "lucky". My brother was diagnosed in 2001 and my parents have suspected for years I have it. So, it didn't come as that much of a shock that I have it.



shaybugz
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12 May 2012, 5:45 am

Joe90- That seriously sucks. I'm the oldest, but I"ve heard every piece of "I should have married someone different" "I shouldn't have worked when you were younger" "I made life too easy on you" ect. Luckily, my younger sister is s100% NT.


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SilkySifaka
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12 May 2012, 6:52 am

shaybugz wrote:
Joe90- That seriously sucks. I'm the oldest, but I"ve heard every piece of "I should have married someone different" "I shouldn't have worked when you were younger" "I made life too easy on you" ect. Luckily, my younger sister is s100% NT.


For years before we knew what was wrong with me my Mum would say things like this. The best one was when she wailed 'I should never have taken you out in the pushchair the day after Chernobyl!'. Even since it has been clear that Aspergers is the explanation I've had to work quite hard to convince her it is not her fault.



shaybugz
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12 May 2012, 7:31 am

Joe90-

The interesting thing is, like I said in the article. Denying it- or not knowing about it- doesn't change anything. Before the knowledge of Asperger's, it was all just about my behavior or attitude or whatever, now she has a name to call it- and she says that "I can't believe my child is autistic. that just figures" as if suddenly I'm different somehow. all the issues she's had with me in the past, were issues she had because of/while I had Asperger's. She didn't know it. But the label changed nothing... in me at least. It should explain why I am the way I am and offer her colsolence that she ISN"T a bad mother, not be used to shame her because "she failed" who I am- and what I struggle with has NOTHING to do with her parenting skills. and I just hope maybe my letter will help her see that...


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2wheels4ever
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12 May 2012, 10:15 am

Where it bites me on the azz is when I'm on a good flow and able to function well my mother will tend to forget about the aspieness, or at least not realize I have strengths that temporarily override my other side. Then when something's off and I don't mesh with the household it's time to roll out the stereotypes and I'm a candidate for conservatorship

I've had the brainwashing theory brought up by other family, they were in my life but not 24/7 so their views might change. My dad was kind of a d1ck when it was a 2 parent household; he seemed resentful that I was c-blocking his good time by all my 'acting out' - he has since mellowed out after remarrying and having a full blown autie son. I have not owned my AS with him yet though I want to, if I followed through and contacted him as much as I think about it, I might get somewhere



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12 May 2012, 11:44 am

It's been about 7 years now, and I don't think my dad has accepted my diagnosis yet. When my mom first told him that they finally found out what's going on in my head, he said "She's not autistic, she's a spoiled brat who needs an attitude change."

He read a couple of Asperger's guides, but still wasn't convinced. He was assuming that I would talk like a robot or not at all, not want to engage in anything fun to someone else, and worry about myself only. All of which are completely untrue. First, my language can get pretty bad, from being raised around his profanity, but I'm pretty sure I sound normal enough to be around him in public. Second, I get involved in anything I can and immerse myself in social interaction if I think I can handle it. Third, I have a LOT more social empathy than he does. He didn't go support me or my sister in anything because "[Insert sport/activity here] is really boring. Why do you even bother to play it?" The only thing I saw him willingly watch me play was rugby, and he showed up late to EVERY SINGLE MATCH I INVITED HIM TO.

He also still treats me like a 9 year old, because he hasn't been involved with my life for almost half of it. It's partially my fault for not visiting him anymore, but I'm not going to hang around a jackass who doesn't trust me to do anything.

[/rant]


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shaybugz
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12 May 2012, 1:15 pm

ToddWitteles wrote:
My parents look down on me because both of my other siblings are doctors.


Yikes! Do you do anything? Though, even if you do, it's hard to "measure up" to 2 doctors in the family. Are either of your parents doctors? Are you middle oldest or youngest? I know, I'm inquisitive. But all these can play into factors, and while I know reasoning doesn't decrease suckitude- it does... make sense of the story? I dunno. maybe I just desire facts.


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Swordfish210
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12 May 2012, 3:06 pm

Basically, my dad is not that directly involved in my life which is why I think he rejects it. He works abroad and I study in a different country xo I see him perhaps four times a year for a week tops.

Besides that, he himself has some autistic tendencies like emerging himself in his own world with his obsessional subject. (Hence the working abroad.) So he sees me in his own frame of reference NT world, which it is not... He thinks it all boils down to me being afraid of doing presentations in school, but he just says he doesn't like them either... >.<

Both my mother and brother have tried to speak to him about it, but he just rejects it. The thing is that I really hve a good relationship with him, as I don't need that much contact as does he and the stuff we do talk about is in-dept technical stuff of our overlapping specialities, which brings us fun. However, I just wish he accepted my AS as true instead of trying to hint I would look good in a dress... (I HATE dresses and have severe difficulties with sensory issues regarding clothes)

Any tips about HOW to adress this? Your letter seems a great idea, but would not work on my dad, because he'd just downplay it and ignore my problems. I've tried letting him read my diagnostic report to no avail.


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12 May 2012, 4:52 pm

Man, I would kill for my parents to be aware enough of my life to even consider that anything I struggle with isn't my fault. My parents are in incredibly staunch denial of many parts of their lives, and I just might be the worst... They have always rejected the idea that anything I struggle with (insomnia, anxiety, school subjects that I did more poorly in than my areas of specialty, unstructured classes/assignments, job hunting, anything else not medical...) could be the result of anything but my own poor decisions and lazy stupidity. As an adult, I gave them a final chance to be real parents. They have only gotten worse because my crazy mother doesn't like my wife (or anything that I enjoy that she doesn't get--i.e. all of my favorite things) and my stepfather is a mindless idiot. I've been brainstorming to write an email to them explaining that my wife and I are emergency moving to her family several states away because the total lack of respect and constant hostile criticism that has defined my relationship with them for most of my life has, for years, kept me in a near constant shutdown mode that leaves me unable to think or process like I should and unable to do the things I need to do to continue my life. I haven't done anything but hide and run from my parents for years. In that time, they have reliably sought me out only when they needed something from me or cared enough about how something I had chosen for myself was affecting them that they needed to criticize whatever choices I had made.



shaybugz
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12 May 2012, 6:15 pm

Swordfish210 wrote:
Basically, my dad is not that directly involved in my life which is why I think he rejects it. He works abroad and I study in a different country xo I see him perhaps four times a year for a week tops.

Besides that, he himself has some autistic tendencies like emerging himself in his own world with his obsessional subject. (Hence the working abroad.) So he sees me in his own frame of reference NT world, which it is not... He thinks it all boils down to me being afraid of doing presentations in school, but he just says he doesn't like them either... >.<

Both my mother and brother have tried to speak to him about it, but he just rejects it. The thing is that I really hve a good relationship with him, as I don't need that much contact as does he and the stuff we do talk about is in-dept technical stuff of our overlapping specialities, which brings us fun. However, I just wish he accepted my AS as true instead of trying to hint I would look good in a dress... (I HATE dresses and have severe difficulties with sensory issues regarding clothes)

Any tips about HOW to adress this? Your letter seems a great idea, but would not work on my dad, because he'd just downplay it and ignore my problems. I've tried letting him read my diagnostic report to no avail.


That's really tough... did you have a decent relationship when he's not abroad? My best bet- and I've had a bit of luck with my mom with this- is to mention things like "Dad, you know how I never appeal to your emotions but come up with logical and factual-based arguments for what I think or feel?" or "You know how I never notice when we run into other people?" Anything that you've done many times with him around, that seems odd but might have been overlooked that is actually an Aspie trait- then eplain that it's an Aspie trait and "it all makes sense now"

Another possibility is to give him the "autism scenario test" Which is:
The Free-Cup Case
Joe was feeling quite dehydrated, so he stopped by the local smoothie shop to buy the largest sized drink available. Before ordering, the cashier told him that if he bought a Mega-Sized Smoothie he would get it in a special commemorative cup. Joe replied, ‘I don't care about a commemorative cup, I just want the biggest smoothie you have.' Sure enough, Joe received the Mega-Sized Smoothie in a commemorative cup. Did Joe intentionally obtain the commemorative cup?
The Extra-Dollar Case
Joe was feeling quite dehydrated, so he stopped by the local smoothie shop to buy the largest sized drink available. Before ordering, the cashier told him that the Mega-Sized Smoothies were now one dollar more than they used to be. Joe replied, ‘I don't care if I have to pay one dollar more, I just want the biggest smoothie you have.' Sure enough, Joe received the Mega-Sized Smoothie and paid one dollar more for it. Did Joe intentionally pay one dollar more?

Overall, we aspies/autistic people tend to think that neither was intentional, while a nt would say the commemorative cup was not, but paying more was. This is just a simple illustartion of how we think differently. It's worth mentioning.


Other than that, his distance makes it difficult to really "proove" anything. My mom accepted it was more than "quirkiness" after my grandma's death when she saw how low functioning I got...and now she's back to thinking that I make it sound worse than it is. That's her defense mechanism while she feels it's "her fault" but hopefully that won't be much longer.

I wish I could help more. Hopefully one of the above options might help?


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You are very likely an Aspie
Read my writing here: http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/69040
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shaybugz
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12 May 2012, 6:18 pm

Rebel- I've spent most of my life being told "it's your fault" or "if you didn't do X, Y wouldn't be an issue." Unfortunately, I think the best you can do is just ignore it, or try and explain how your diagnosis effects your thought processes. I've been working on that with my mom- and I think she still blames my problems on me, but right now I just want to get her to quit blaming herself and making me feel like I should be ashamed because I"m an aspie. I want her to just accept it and help me. You know?


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Your Aspie score: 154 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 39 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
Read my writing here: http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/69040
Visit my website: http://www.shaynagier.com
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Rebel_Nowe
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12 May 2012, 6:42 pm

Oh, I don't have a diagnosis. The reason I listed all of those specifics is because they are the obvious things I have dealt with that they have not been able to deny. I haven't seen professional help since I decided that I didn't want to go on ritalin... because I knew that I didn't have ADD. At that point, everything became bad behavior. They prescribe the same remedy for my aspergers/depression that they do for my torn ACL that I got as a minor: knee injuring exercises. They refuse to even talk about the wisdom teeth I have needed taken out since I was ~16.

I have s***ty parents, but it's all good. I'm working on turning that into no parents. By the time I move at the end of this month, I will be psychologically ready to separate from them for life, if necessary. Once I'm not in their pressure cooker world, I'll be able to write again. I have confidence that my writing will bring me success like they could never imagine their screw up son really having. I'll stop now, before I get into vindictive thoughts about being their only child with the money to seriously help them when the home they have let fall into disrepair becomes unlivable after a hurricane and well before they are ready to retire...



shaybugz
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12 May 2012, 7:03 pm

Best of luck with that. I had a turbulant relationship with my parents, and was very independent when I lived with them... now, I'd do anything to have them taking care of me again....


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Your Aspie score: 154 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 39 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
Read my writing here: http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/69040
Visit my website: http://www.shaynagier.com
Follow me on twitter: twitter.c