At an impasse regarding meeting new people in real life

Post Reply New Topic

I'm a 24 year old male, a college graduate, living on my own in a small-to-middle sized city downtown. I had friends in college, but none who I regularly did things with. They say that no man is an island, but I think I'm a peninsula connected to the mainland by a tiny thread that gets covered at high tide. Analogies aside, I have no one besides my mother and father (who live in the same city, thankfully), to hang out with. They don't seem to mind me hanging out with them, but I know they worry -- and I worry too -- about me not hanging out with people my own age.

I recently "met" a guy on Facebook my age who wants to hang out. The problem is, due to my Asperger's I...how to put this...I simply CAN'T make myself courageous enough to go to some public place and hang out. It's been so long since I've had friendly contact outside of work that even calling him on the phone terrifies me. I know once I do it, I'll be fine. But that doesn't matter, since even with professional counseling and psychiatric help, I'm still unable to move out of what has become my comfortable prison of solitude.

I've forgotten how to make friends.

Any advice or whathaveyou would be appreciated, because this really bites.

In order to meet people, it's always a good idea to join a club or group that is centered around a hobby or interest. Astronomy clubs are a good place to meet fellow ASpies, or a Photography Club, that sort of thing.
Of course, this requires you to sit down and evaluate what truly interests you, and to be aware of the type of people that will be in such-and-such a club.

This is gonna be weird advice coming from me, an avowed atheist, but are you involved in any kind of religious or spiritual community?

I'm in a similar situation as you- young, single, living on my own, and, while I can be very charming, I find it excruciatingly humiliating to ask someone out. I can't get dates because I'm afraid to try. There are other issues too, involving a previous, very abusive relationship that I'm lucky to have gotten out of. I'm afraid of the rejection, and it's so paralyzing a fear that I just can't go through with it, even when I know a woman is flirting with me. I recently moved to a new town where I don't really know anybody outside of clients from work whom I obviously don't want to and shouldn't socialize with on the weekends.

I recently deleted my facebook account also because I was sick of facebook for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that I find it very artificial and impersonal. I don't like going to bars because you can't have an interesting conversation in a bar.

Last night, I had a really bad day, and decided that I would take up a friend of mine, who is very active in the Quaker community in my hometown (about a 30 minute drive from where I live now), on his invitation to the Thursday night meeting.

I've stood out all my life and am now learning to appreciate blending in and being able to observe and learn more about the world that way. Another reason I deleted my FB account was because I didn't like that I had this artificial outlet where I could just blurt stuff out to the world, which is not a healthy, productive habit. I don't need an audience when I get depressed and scary. Fortunately I have a few close friends whom I've known for years and who are like a second family to me, even though I don't see them very often. This friend, other than my cousin, is probably the friend I see most often, and I took him up on his invitation to me, and went to the meeting at the Quaker church.

I meditated for nearly an hour, practicing extinguishing negative thoughts and moving past my anger that carried over from my really bad day. I enjoyed the opportunity to practice silence. I've always been good with words, but silence has its strengths, too. I didn't tell anybody about what had happened that day (unusual for me; if I get dumped on, all my friends usually hear about it). Somehow, with the group meditation ethic, I was able to get into it and strive toward what Buddhists would call Nirvana... a state of non-thought, non-desire, just pure being.

I'm not a believer in "energy" or anything mystical, don't get me wrong. This was purely psychological. I had an incredible opportunity to exercise the weaker parts of my brain. To make those connections, like muscles, stronger. So instead of giving into my anger, like I usually do, and walking around with a storm cloud on my head, I moved past it, stepping out from under the storm cloud. It felt great! I'd never had an experience like that before despite dabbling for years, on and off, with meditation. I find it hard to meditate in my own home, surrounded by my own stuff, but it was easy for me to get into it in a stripped down, group setting, without any of those distractions.

I don't know how you feel about religion. If you're like me- non-religious and not a believer in the god concept- I would give Quaker or Unitarian services a chance. It's a good way to meet people, being part of a community like that, which is generally very accepting and democratic, even if you don't accept all of their beliefs. If you have other preferences, though, don't think that I'm trying to convert you to my beliefs or anything like that. I just wanted to share this insight and I hope it helps.

My interests are myriad, but the type of people I'm looking for are not others like myself. I'm looking for friends who can help me move toward where I want to be - the guy who after a long week of work can go out on the town with a few buddies and have a good time, not do anything too crazy, but not just sit in someone's place and play video games and watch movies. Those activities are great once you know people, but can be rather awkward for one such as myself. I find it's good to make absolutely sure that there isn't any possibility of what I call "gap time" in a conversation. Gap time being that time that passes after a conversation has concluded, but the neurotypical is waiting for the aspie to say something interesting to start another conversation. I seem to create a lot of those unless someone else (a third, perhaps) is present.

Tangential ponderings aside, I am burnt out and haven't done anything I truly enjoy in the two years since I graduated college and took this degrading job. So I don't know what I'd like because I haven't had the opportunity to like anything in recent memory.

I identify as an Agnostic Episcopalian.

The issue is, most Episcopalians who I see at church were either born waaaaay before my time, or were born six or more years after me.

That's funny because I would like to have friends with whom I can just play video games, and not have to go out on the town or talk. You don't find too many girls into video games though, and guy friends are awkward when you're married.

Any decent coworkers?

Decent coworkers? I wouldn't know. All my coworkers smoke and the smell makes me sick, so I always eat lunch in my car.

Yet...there are some who might be decent, if we both got lunch at the same time and were able to chat. Which never, ever happens.

Maybe you could swing by their desks (if you work in an office) to talk in a smoke-free environment....or leave them a note asking if they want to hang out?

I work in a grocery store, so no desks, lol. As far as asking them to hang out, see my original post. It's really emotionally and physically painful for me to even consider asking someone I don't know well to meet me somewhere else. For one thing, I haven't done anything like that in 4 years, and for another, this is a small city and I don't want to make a bad first impression with the wrong person.