Aspie Niaivety: I used to think bullies were only children

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When I was bullied at school, and everyone scared the living daylights out of me (whatever that means), I used to console myself with the idea that the older I got, the more people were supposed to be like adults, and they would not do such nasty things as bullying. I thought that children bullied because they were children and didn't know how to be mature, because they still hadn't learned it was wrong, because children were naughty. I believed that adults wouldn't possibly do anything like that, how ridiculous it would be. Adults were sensible and had mysterious responsibilities and they were the ones in charge and told children what to do. Adults weren't naughty. Adults didn't attack people or beat people up.

I realised my mistake of course, over time. I realised to my immense and profound disappointment, that adults are just bigger versions of those nasty children and capable of all that the child bullies were capable of and more. Not only overt bullying such as violence, but even worse manipulation than a child would be able to manage. Devious, underhand, spiteful behaviour. I have never come to terms with this.

Every time I read about e.g. 40+ year old adults doing bad things such as violence, drugs, beating people up, I still can't quite believe it. I sort of have to accept it because it's a fact, but it just seems so incongruous that it could be true - even now. Even adults being anti-social and playing loud music without caring about their neighbours I can't believe. It seems so stupid and immature, adults are supposed to know better than be so selfish. It doesn't seem to follow the natural order of things to me. It's illogical.

I think this is why, no matter how many times people prove they are capable of mean stuff, it still surprises part of me, and I cannot gauge outcomes from situations, or peoples' intentions.

Has anyone else ever felt this way?

It's always seemed illogical that anyone, children or adults could be bullies. How can you get satisfaction in HURTING someone? Makes no sense to me, both now and as a child. I thought along the same lines but over time I figured out the only two differences between adult and child bullies are a) adult bullies didn't get physical and b) adult bullies are MUCH more sadistic. I remember playing baseball and some of the parent's behavior was worse than their kids, some even going so far as to encourage physically hurting me on purpose for no reason at all. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

At the same time, I was bullied at work for years and had NO IDEA because my idea of bullying involved being physical and cowering in groups. Just because it's one on one with a manager and didn't involve a beating didn't make that manager any less of a bully.

Adults are as bad. As the bullies grow up, some might really grow out of being bullies, but others just learn how to bully more skillfully/sneakily.

In adults' world being superficial and making things look pleasant are the standard behavior. But what's really going on is really ugly. A lot of bitching, covert bullying etc are so common. The important thing for them is not to get in trouble. That's why it's often so covert.

But some adults even show aggression and can be very confrontational. They don't care about how you feel. They don't care unless they are threatened with the law or something. They never really have grown up.

I think once you are adult, your way of thinking/behaving doesn't change unless you make conscious effort.

I always sensed and predicted in the back of my mind that adults could still be bullies, even back in middle school when I was 12 years old and the bullying was at its peak. A part of me wanted to believe that this was only temporary and would fade away with time, that I wouldn't need to alter who I was or my demeanour, but the greater part of me believed that there will always be mean bullies into adulthood.

Case in point - during that bullying period at 12 years old, there were a couple of teachers who would join in the bullying instead of doing the right thing and trying to stop it. It seems they were more concerned about promoting their own popularity with the group of preteens. Maybe they were worried that the kids would ridicule them behind their back as an "uncool" teacher if they didn't react that way. Unfortunately, that's how a lot of bullying and thuggery perpetuates, because bystanders are afraid to speak up or intervene lest they become the bully's next target. And sadly, this does perpetuate into the workplace, in the form of a bully manager berating somebody in front of the peers, you know why the peers don't speak up, and you can't really deck the bully w/o legal consequences or being faced with the prospect of very long-term unemployment, maybe being virtually unemployable.

I wish I had been capable of believing that as a kid. I, on the other hand had much less trouble with other kids than I did with the adults. Teachers, school officials, my own family as a child. I learned very early that the adults were if possible even more illogical and self-absorbed than children. and now into my 30s that has proven more than true.

All I can say is aspies can be bullies too. In fact highly abusive aspies are much worst than abusive nts.

I think adults bully differently than children do. Kids are more direct and it's more obvious but when adults do it, it can be harder to see and some people don't even know they are being bullied. It can be very hard to tell because you don't want to mistake rude behavior as them being a bully or someone having a bad day as being a bully or someone just being narrow minded as being a bully. Someone simply not speaking to you, that isn't always bullying so it's tough to tell. Sometimes you don't even know if you are being paranoid or if something really is happening.

Agree completely with the first sentence, AS/NT isn't an indicator of whether or not someone is a bully. Many of the neurodiverse are bullies, intentionally or not and the same applies to neurotypicals.

The second half however is kind of misleading isn't it, comparing the highly abusive to the abusive? It's a fact that abuse is never something to take lightly, in any form, though highly abusive aspies and highly abusive nt's are just that highly abusive, the distinction is in the abuse not the diagnosis. Though perhaps the diagnosis is a factor in how to approach the situation constructively.

I was workplace bullied by adults who were educated professionals.. I had NO idea adults would stoop to the levels two of my administrates did to make work a nightmare.. educated adults are worse then kids, they do it much more devious and stealth.. the experience left me mentally scared and unable to work in the capacity that my training and education would allow for.

Yes, all the time. It is also a challenge to rise towards, to raise my actions to that of which I would hope of my peers and neighbors.

I managed to escape bullying when I left school but I don't work or have to be anywhere around people I don't want to be around so I'm lucky I get to stay away from them. In school there was no choice. It was either go to school and get bullied or skip school and get sent away which I was twice. I guess homeschooling wasn't as popular then. No one suggested it to my mother.

If I worked now I'd have a good chance of being bullied depending on how people interpret my being quiet. Some might think I'm just a shy and nice girl while others think I'm stuck up and think I'm better than them.

Sorry I apologize for not being clearer. My point was the distinction becomes intent etc.

All I can say is not all abuse is equal. Getting your jaw broken because you broke the law, isn't the same as getting your jaw broken because you accidently induced a meltdown.

Trust me it may be a brutal example, but it is totally real.

I don't think there is any way to prove that statement...I am sure there are abusive aspies worse than abusive NTs and abusice NTs worse than abusive aspies.

That there just seems go to along the lines of societies ignorance about how those with mental conditions must be more dangerous/violent than the general population which is crap.

Yes quite different one is police brutality which is essentially abuse, they aren't really supposed to beat you up for breaking the law.....and one sucks but is more an accident than anything. An aspie hitting someone in the midst of a meltdown they can't exactly control isn't the same thing as abuse, that would be like saying if you abrubptly wake someone up and startle them and out of reflex they hit you in the face before they are fully aware then they are abusive which wouldn't make a lot of sense.

Abuse is when you intentionally cause emotional/physical or both sorts of damage to someone...

A lot of children think only other children can bully, mostly because adults are there to look after you. It's a bit like when children think that adults never get scared or never cry, when actually we do.

I wasn't really bullied that bad in school. In fact I wasn't really bullied at all. OK I ran into a few bad moments with kids at High School, but I wouldn't call it bullying, even if it is classed as a form of bullying, it still wasn't severe. In other words, it could have all been a lot worse, compared to how far bullying can go. I had kids tease me and humiliate me, and I was rejected a lot of the time and most kids wanted me to be seen on my own and said hurtful things to me like calling me weird to my face, and just little things like that. But I was never beaten up or anything like that. You could say I wasn't ever made to feel frightened. I was just made to feel annoyed.

At least with kids they told me right to my face that they hated my guts and wanted to see me suffer. The adults usually had a smile on their face while they were getting ready to stick the dagger in my back. I've seen it over and over again how some 'adults' are masters at bullying in such a way nobody else has a clue what's going on. I was warned that one of my managers would frame me for a crime such as drug use or stealing and I laughed it off until I saw it with my own eyes when I was framed for giving away $2000 of product I never even knew we sold for $300.