Victim of bullying; has made me bitter

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Okay I wanted to talk a little about my experience with bullying and how it has affected me and most of my adult life.

I basically endured many years of bullying and ridicule from other students from grade school through high school. As an adult most of the bullying has stopped. But now I am experiencing a new type of behavior from others: completely ignoring me and acting like I do not exist. I literally had two people I talked to in college and they were only acquantances.

And now I have extremely severe anger problems that end up pushing people away. I had a drinking problem for a few years and was a drunk. I have gotten sober and have been for 10 years. But now the anger issues are getting worse and it is scaring me a lot. I am worried I am turning into an abuser. I seem to take out my frustration on my own family and its causing me great pain. I want to have a different life but it seems impossible.

It seems everything I do goes bad or doesn't work out. I cannot get a relationship and most women just ignore me. I have been very unsuccessful in starting a relationship through online dating.

I am basically alone and afraid in a world that does not want me. I hate aspergers actually because it just does me no good. I am intelligent yes but all this diagnosis has given me is grief. Nobody understands.

With aspergers there is no future and no hope. I will end up living on the streets because I still do not have a career even after graduating with a degree in something I love. It seems so hopeless right now.

I basically wish I could drink again and make the pain go away. But I am too strong for that.

I do have a little bit of hope inside that things will get better. Somehow. I just believe it will.

Ok man, listen. Once again I feel a connection with you. I was bullied through grade, middle and high school (and kindergarden before that). I was also ignored by everyone because my attempts to pass for human often amounted to trying to be the class clown who failed to be funny.

It instilled a sense of "people being out there to hurt me". I had problems riding in a bus. When I'd walk down the street and see people laughing, I was SURE they were laughing at me and were planning to attack me. The faces of my past enemies superimposed over them like some kind of collective conscious.

During this process I started a lot of fights that didn't end well for me. They could've been avoided. My other nerd friends managed to steer clear of violence but I always ended up walking right into it.

My last serious fight was in 12th grade when I once again provoked it(all the while thinking the other guy provoked it), and "luckily" ended up kneeing the guy in the teeth.

I was angry and scared. When I went to college I was still projecting fear and feeling that other males challenged me (though half of them merely reflected my own s**t at me).

The cycle would've never stopped if I didn't start practicing Aikido. Aikido completely cured me of this PTSD and eliminated the most harmful self-destructive and conflict-seeking programming in my brain.

It is a unique traditional martial art that actually somehow rewires how you see the world. Where you used to see fight or flight, it introduces a third option. It's hard to explain but the benefit to the spirit can be felt within weeks.

And by forcing graceful realtime adaptation, it also assisted me in being more fluid socially. It has numerous benefits and I keep pimping it to Aspies because in my opinion t benefits them the most.

Now when I tried Judo, I didn't feel this benefit. The class was full of testosterone-filled jocks and their aggression amplified in me. Trying to do boxing sparring also revved back my aggression.

Most martial arts are not like Aikido. Aikido truly heals.

Keep in touch with your beauty, don't let the ugliness of this world corrupt your soul.

Thanks to both posts.

Honestly I will look up this Aikido stuff. It sounds interesting.

I honestly need to look at the beauty inside and also realize that there are evil people in the world but I do not have to be one of them.

Sorry to hear that punkguy378.

Stay on track, stay optimistic, and most importantly stay true to yourself. You know your worth is immense no matter what anyone else would think!

Perhaps not easy, but do this to value yourself the way you deserve it.

Remember to always be assertive! If you act meek, you'll build up anger because you end up being used instead of respected, always giving in and never claiming.

I'm in my mid-fifties, and was severely bullied as a child - both at home and at school.

I take some comfort in the fact that nearly all of the bullies are now dead, having succumbed to their own violent acts and risky behaviors. Those that are not dead are either in prison or homeless.

Time heals all wounds ... and eventually wounds all heels.

I actually don't know about that. Evil people are generally mentally damaged(you are suggesting you may become evil).
Humans are very hierarchical.
Bullying is just a way of forming the hierarchy. Sorting the weak from the strong, making the group stronger. It's a natural thing in social animals, a survival thing. I'm not saying it is right, just saying that that is how it is. I think bullies are trying to be alpha, it only works to a certain extent because they lose respect in the group, but it is interesting how much respect them do get (Interesting everyone loves the James Gandolfini character). This is what I mean about the ugliness of the world.