I need an advocate......Do you? And why's it so hard?

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My life is falling apart amazingly quickly, and the reason stems from the fact that I can't get other people to talk to people for me.

In other words, if I have a problem with Person Z, everyone tells me that I need to talk to Person Z myself. However, when I do so, I mess up!

In my experience, nobody likes to play the role of advocate. The farthest people are willing to go is to say, "You need to tell Person Z this, this and that." But they won't actually talk to that person for me.

This has resulted in several major catastrophies (including becoming homeless @ one point) that would have been averted had someone stepped in to mediate.

I NEED an advocate for my own safety and well-being. Talking to people myself has resulted in major misunderstanding, leading them to stop caring suddenly and completely. As a result, I've had to enter some really unsafe situations (long story).

People just DON'T CARE when I talk to them myself. I invite people not to care. It is my presentation, my manner.

I really need an advocate, a go-between, a mediator. Instead, people (counselors even) think I should just go talk to the person myself, even if a little intervention would make the difference between my life going completely to hell in one day and getting a peaceful resolution.

How about you? Do you ever feel like a little advocacy would go a long way in your life? Why is it so hard to get people to help in this way?

As unconfident as I am with my social skills I do not like people to speak for me, it actually really aggravates me when someone does because I think that they are assuming just because I am not very sociable that I am incapable of giving an answer to a question.

No, my answers might be kept simplistic as possible and not very charismatic but if the question was not important in the first place and you were not expecting a serious direct response, then why ask the question anyway?

But anyway to be more in context with what you are asking, I think for anyone in a stressful situation it's hard to speak to that person about the issue but for me it's either something I just have to do, or sweep it under the rug. I'd feel like a child if I had to force someone to do it for me, and the person I have the issue with would probably take me less seriously anyway for not having done it myself even if the mediator was more fluent and confident with socializing or not.

Embarrassing as it is, my mom is still my advocate. She'll call places like my bank and other businesses that are too scary for me to talk to by myself, and she still does quite a lot of socialising for me. I'm torn right now between wanting desperately to be independent and able to do those things myself, and too afraid to try, happy to leave things the way they are. I'm practising little by little, and it's getting better. TJR, I would suggest talking to a psychologist about your problem and seeing if they can help you; they might be able to put you in touch with someone who can help, or they can teach you the skills you need to advocate for yourself, and teach you what you're doing wrong when you practise with them.

Me too.

I remember the very day my aspie son looked at me and said "you should have a girl child because you will be dead"
I wasn't upset and didn't react at all. I told him simply that he was right, and he's always right and I knew right away he was asking me to have a child who would take care of his needs.

So I gave him my answer in a way that appealed to his aspie logic. "If I had another child then I would have even less time for all your needs, your sandwiches would be smaller and different because I have less time for all the love and attention I need to make them. How about if I spent my extra time with you now and showed you the way I make your favorite meals. Then you would have my skills in your hands and you would never have to change a thing.

I am my sons advocate but I do have to push them into things they don't like. My son will shop at the grocery only if he doesn't have to speak at the deli counter. We make compromises, sometimes I have written a script for them to read from. Sometimes I ask them to speak to the secretary or the doctor. If there is enough notice and you have something legal or medically critical, you may ask your physician in writing to draw up a letter for you.
I once heard there was a virtual secretary service for making appointments, I don't know if that is still around, but if it is you have to pay for the girl to do it.
Sometimes an older neighbor might be willing to go to a place with you and listen or make gentle reminders. Explain that you want to learn this for yourself and that you would appreciate pointers and learning.
Asking a person who might feel that they are doing all the work all the time can make someone resentful. But if you were honestly explaining that you have a desire to learn and watch might make the person feel like they are aiding you and not working for you.

Roni

True, and why would they? It's hard, it often backfires and people rarely appreciate it. Just look at how much lawyers charge per hour to be advocates. Even if you need something it doesn't mean anyone is obliged to give it to you.



Because I think that for most people this is good advice. I also like to resolve things myself and don't like to have other speak on my behalf, because they tend to get things wrong (more than I do). Your case may be different. If you really have a hard time explaining yourself and keep getting misunderstood then perhaps you are better off with someone else speaking for you. Unfortunately, the same problem might make it hard to explain why you need someone to speak for you - and what you want them to say!

Have you tried explaining in writing why you need an advocate? What you've said in this thread is a start, but ideally you would explain what would go wrong if you talked to Person Z yourself and why an advocate could do it better. Writing this down would give you time to think it over and decide on the best way to express it.

I can't speak to the OP's circumstances, but I wanted to comment on the last sentence of the OP.

In a theoretical world, I would generally say that competent adults are generally better off communicating directly with others, outside of some specialized areas, because it's too easy for an advocate to get factual details wrong, and an advocate might not have the detail or context for a particular individual's circumstances.

That said, we don't live in a theoretical world.

Communication style differences, verbal and non-verbal, are in some respects a "definition" for Aspies. In many circumstances, the long-term impact of these documented communicated differences can be live-changing, and often not in a positive way.

For negative impacts of Aspie communication style differences, then a limited solution might be using what the OP describes as an "advocate". The issues then because those of practicality, legality, and effectiveness, to name a few. Most jurisdictions will not allow "advocates" to act on someone's behalf for everything, and it might be impractical to use an "advocate" for some situations. Also, an "advocate" might not be effective in all cases.