My mother is in denial

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I have suspected I have asperger's for the last few years, and I cannot fathom why my own mother is so against the realization, as I fit the diagnostic criteria perfectly.

My mother gets annoyed, even hostile at the idea. The very word "asperger's" irks her. This is heart breaking to me on so many levels.

Recently, it's starting to dawn on me that she may have asperger's too, which is why she is so rigid on this topic. But, like I said, can't talk to her about it without her using words like, "insulting." Thanks mom. Makes me feel amazing. <--that's sarcasm folks.

How do I communicate with her, aspie to aspie? It's very hard to talk to her because she seems to be oblivious to what I think is blatantly obvious in a conversation.

Also, I am pretty sure my two year old is an aspie too, and guess what? Can't talk to my mom about that either. Criminy.

You might think you fit the diagnostic criteria perfectly, but you aren't a trained professional.
You won't be objective in your findings. The human mind is trained to recognize patterns and bend their mind to make something fit.

Your mother may have rigid opinions but that doesn't mean she has Aspergers. Dogmatic people are very rigid in their opinions.

You can communicate with her by talking.
You can't make her believe something if she doesn't want to.

Don't call yourself or your mother an "aspie" if you haven't been assessed by a professional. Talk to your General Practitioner about being referred to a specialist. Once you've received the diagnosis then you can call yourself an aspie.

The same goes for your child.
Given the fact that they are two years of age, the traits of Autism will only start showing through now.
If you believe they are Autistic, get them assessed.

Lol,
Do you really think an NT would desire an autism diagnosis?

Depending on your mothers age, she may be bewildered by the "if it is not normal it is crazy" belief common in the 1950's and 60's. Mental health was and is taboo.

I have also noticed that the Aspergers mom can be very rigid in denial because in their mind admitting their child is Aspergers is an admission of being at fault some how.

Women in general seem to fight "labels" harder than men; at least in my personal experience.

This is coming from someone who sought professional diagnosis primarily to prove it to my mother; she still does not accept it. Instead she blames my wife's genetics lol. Never mind my father who is so obviously aspergers....ahhh it's laughable.

Just focus on your child. Don't worry about making your mother be the mom you want; you be the mom you want for your child, and if you notice things that seem off with your child, tell your physician.

Beyond that, if you like the posts here and can relate to the people, welcome to crazytown

Seconded.

I have encountered many a person whom has claimed to have Autism/Bi-polar/Schizophrenia/ purely because of the attention it gives them.
It gives them something to use as an excuse for their behavior.

Some find comfort in the fact that certain diagnosis can give you substantial government benefits.
Others crave to be different.

Nobody has the right to insist they have something unless tested by a professional or two and have received the diagnosis.
It gives those whom do indeed have a neurological issue a bad reputation. Due to this behavior, others don't take the condition as seriously as they should.

Wow, did not expect those responses, especially from this community. They were very negative, and you really should not jump to conclusions. Maybe it was how I presented myself. I was very tired, and I needed sleep. I simply was looking for some advice on how to bring the subject up to my mother to talk about it. I call myself an aspie not for attention, as you suggested, but because it IS who I am, formal diagnosis or not.

As a child I was diagnosed with "severe" ADHD....whatever that means. But that was the diagnoses of the nineties. If you were wired, you had ADD. And sure, was I ever hyper! Barking like a dog, jumping, climbing. I could see how they thought that some ritalin was all I needed to make me "normal." (I actually could not tolerate the meds; turned me into a zombie, and I internalized everything, further disconnecting me from the world.) Growing up, I could not understand people. Because of this, I had no friends and was bullied. So I decided I was a dog and would only bark, yipe, that sort of thing, and when I did speak it was odd. I was, well...awkward. I was "that" kid. You know the one; always moving, never looking you in the eye, butting in to other people's conversations, (I did not know that others' conversations were not my own, I still have problems with that,) I had no concept of personal space, still hooked on the subject that was, "five minutes ago." Excuse the popular reference, but it really was like I was from mars. I was a "square peg in a round hole," as my mom put it. But I was also brilliant. I'm not saying this to make myself look good; my mind was thinking in ways no one else's was. Other first graders were learning how to read 'Frog and Toad.' I liked those books too, but I found my mother's college medical books more entertaining. When I was on a school trip and we were looking at the stars, other kids were wowed, but I was wondering why stars looked brighter when you looked slightly away than when you looked directly at them. (And for a brief second, I would hope I was popular because I surprised them with saying something smart, but that's simply not how the world works, and I would remain friendless.)

I love to learn- I have an addiction to knowledge for knowledge's sake. And so does my daughter. I can see a lot of me in her, to the point that it seems like I am in an alternate reality, raising myself. She wiggles and moves, so very hard to connect. Her attention to things are amazing, or sometimes amazingly absent. She just turned two, but she already knows her colors, numbers, and letters, and already stringing sounds together to form words. She knows all the names for her body parts, hands, feet etc. But she also knows where her phalanges are, and sinuses, and epidermis, and humorous- get it? She's brilliant; She's creative and likes to do things her way. Those are the positives. Conversely, she is incredibly hard to connect to sometimes. If you talk to her she won't look at you, and she simply can not tolerate being touched on her face and head. If you hold her, she constantly tries to squirm away; not much of a cuddler. Loud noises and even moderate sounds cause her to cover her ears. (I was the same way) She's also incredibly hyper. She jumps on the dogs and doesn't seem to understand that they have feelings. (before you say anything, she's two and I know she will come to understand eventually; I used to poke my dog with needles because I was pretending to be a vet.) She is quite a handful. (As we speak she is currently banging her head on the pillow because she was told to stop chasing the dogs.)

My daughter is already being seen by a doctor for possible aspergers.

As far as my mother, she has also been diagnosed with ADD, and a learning disability for math. She is incredibly sensitive to clanging sounds, light pokes on her arm cause her pain, sunlight is torture to her and she always needs to wear sun glasses, she is very sensitive about the temperature of her hands, she CANNOT read lips, not even easy words, and it makes her angry if you try to say something to her where she can't hear you, (like on the other side of a window,) she does not follow protocol of conversations; (she'll just hang up the phone when she's done talking and leave you hanging.) She changes subjects very quickly when she's bored, and constantly cuts you off mid sentence, social situations make her nervous, actually, the prospect of anything new makes her nervous, she has a complete lack of organization, and has trouble understanding "the big picture," she'll get stuck on one little thing that was said, and it's incredibly frustrating to try communicating with her.
She was also hyperlexic as a child, and incredibly shy...painfully shy. (That is the BIGGEST difference between us, as I am fearless and hyper, and she is timid and quiet.)
She doesn't seem to get when people want to be left alone, it takes someone getting REALLY angry, and it comes as a complete shock to her, and then she gets her feelings hurt. She really is clueless to body language, even more so than I am now that I'm an adult.
Every single time I make a decision, she tries to talk me out of it. Doesn't matter what the subject matter is. Anyway, we both have serious communication problems, and when we get together, there is often a fight about something really stupid.

Last edited by Abbadackerygirl on 13 Nov 2013, 12:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I am in a similar position to the OP and when I consulted my Health Care Professional I was advised against pursuing the diagnosis because it would be potentially harmful to me in the future. For me the only reason why I would like my Mother to consider Aspergers in connection with me is because she has been struggling to understand me for years and this would give her some sort of framework. The massive sensory issues, the needing time alone away from people etc, she just wont' accept that this is important for my health and not something I am able to change. But because it doesn't suit her that I am the way I am, she keeps saying things like "you should think about what is causing your ill health, maybe the country you live in is not good for you" and she keeps claiming I didn't have any symptoms as a child even though I had plenty but she just won't accept or acknowledge anything that doesn't fit in the way she wants to view the world. At the end of the day, I am faced with the situation where I have to keep hurting her feelings with bluntness. I don't care if she believes me or not, I won't be heartbroken if I don't see her or speak to her, but she wants to be in contact with me so why does she expect ME to fit in with her way of being? I am no longer a dependent child and no longer have to torture myself just to survive/avoid being thrown on the streets etc. so I have no incentive to make myself suffer any longer. Except saying to my family that their way of communicating with me causes me pain is just met with dismissal and calling me selfish and self centered and if I told them to f**k of and never speak to me again, that too would be seen as selfish. Anything I do other than what they want me to do is seen as selfish.

This definitely sucks
I'm a 25 year old female, I think I autism,
I think I'm just remembering now, (after stopping drinking heavily): the fourth grade I think my teacher tried to tell my parents that I had somethin different going on, and I think they were in denial- long story, other things contribute to why that could very well be what was going on

I'm getting a diagnostic test in about two weeks, and I agree with the previous post- I live with my mom, and every time I try to explain to her that I'm thinking I am in this category- shes in denial, tries to interrupt me and tell me that 'I DONT KNOW THAT', or 'YOU DON'T HAVE THAT', or 'YOU CANT DIAGNOSE YOURSELF'
it sucks, because i too see blatent signs in her , my dad ( who i dont speak to anymore), my older brother, and who knows others in my family

and my whole life Ive had classic aspie difficulty- but i was only labeled as "social anxiety"- and since i started on adderall, about a year and a half ago, social anxiety has completely dissappeared, (sp)
and all thats left with is BLATENT feelings that i'm just different than others who i try to work with or socialize with, and that I should just come up to them and be like "hey i have asd" to clear out the white elephant in the room. maybe i'm paranoid or a hypochondriac? but it just feels too clear that I do have asd, that most of my family has asd, and that they just don't want me to have self acceptance and be independent

**my whole life has been a gigantic struggle- my whole life when i'm faced with difficulty and i somehow rebound enough to try again, my dad says "SORRY, YOU'RE NORMAL", uhhhhh i don't think i am but i want to own it! and freaking move on with my life!! and accept myself! and love myself!

ok emotional, lengthy post with potentially lots of spelling errors.

anyone else feel like this?? anyone especially who are as old as i am? this is rough, and im tryin to break out of this denial box.

Man, you sound just like me. Can't say what I want to say.

I am 29, and reading your quote is like I am reading a book about me. (right down to what your mom says, and the issues with your father) I can see asd in a lot of members of my family. Especially my Grandpa, my mother's father. He was as brilliant as they come. He worked for the government on calculating the trajectory of missiles...but he was socially ret*d. He ended up moving away from his family and sending money to support them. He would make it down for EVERY holiday, which is quite a trip because he lived several states away. When he did come down, it was awkward. When you hugged him, it felt like you were hugging a brick wall. He wasn't mean, but he wasn't expressive either, he simply wasn't cuddly, and you could see he was uncomfortable, so instead of being there emotionally, he showed his love by working harder at his job.

Based on a few lines of which said she "suspected" not insisted she has Aspergers you link her to a group of fakers or fraudsters? In choosing between the OP and you to it is my opinion you are the one with the confirmation bias. Yes it is more likely you have Aspergers if diagnosed by a specialist then if you self diagnose but it is not guaranteed 100%. As a person whose has been officially diagnosed I feel fortunate to have obtained the large amounts of money needed to do that. A lot of people on the spectrum are not be able to afford a diagnoses. I am not going to invalidate everybody who self diagnoses because some people do it for the money or attention. There are online tests given out by prestigious universities. I am sure they account for confirmation bias. While professional diagnoses by a specialist is preferable self diagnoses if done right can be a good indicator and can help a person by explaining things. It is a hell of a lot better then doing nothing if one can't afford a "real" diagnoses.

This must be generational but I am 56 and have never met a person who has told me they are autistic. I have never had a person say to me somebody told them they are autistic.

As for the OP she may just have to accept that her mom may never accept Aspergers. If her mom is not sadistic and tried her very best she should be forgiven even if mom unintentionally hurt her. When you interact concentrate on the things that she accepts.

Last edited by ASPartOfMe on 13 Nov 2013, 1:35 pm, edited 2 times in total.

uhhh yea it sucks to see you write "socially retarted" i feel like ive coped without meds and understanding of myself for so long that I know how to "act" my way out of autism-

i read somewhere that autism is something you can out grow- and that you just have to learn how to act, like learning how to perform for a play, and it takes like a looong time, but i dont feel socially retarted, i just feel like i have a unique personality,

and i feel like im very capable of being emotionally close to people, even though that is scary for me because my whole life up til recently i've thought that people who i hung out with were "friends" i dont know i guess i struggle with trust, and its such a bad stigma'd thing- people who do have it deny the s**t out of it, and rarely admit that they think they have it.

I just want to be employed, steadily, and know how to disclose this info, or when to , and get the white elephant out of the room-

i do know that it usually takes me twice as long and i have to work twice as hard to do something most people do- but i feel like i might have better social skills? or sales skills? just by coping without any help for my whole life- and "acting" without knowing why i was

Autism is a life long neurological condition. One does not grow out of it. One can learn to mask the symptoms and act "normal" in front of others. Not everybody can do it well enough to have steady employment and it is exhausting. If one is not that severely different, one has a lot of willpower and has some luck it can be done well enough to have steady employment and relationships.

I understand,
I appreciate the post-

Serious attention seekers who claim they have issues you've listed, when they don't have them, probably are best diagnosed with borderline personality disorder or perhaps narcissistic personality disorder or perhaps even sociopathy.
Mainly though, I don't know why you're so certain all these people DON'T have something wrong with them. By insisting that these people's claims are bogus, you're doing exactly what you don't want these people saying about themselves. Afterall, if you aren't qualified to diagnose someone positively for a mental illness, how can you be qualified to say that they aren't mentally ill? What right do you have to not believe what someone says? What right do you have to assume their behaviour has no good excuse? Every mental illness is on a spectrum of some sort anyways, not everyone who has a mental illness will fall into the severe category of it.

In a much looser sense, why should we not treat problems that don't stem from an obvious cause of a mental illness, as if somehow those people are deserving of their problems?

Sure there are people who will lie and take advantage of you or other services, but it takes a pretty special type of person to go around claiming to have a mental illness when they don't truly feel like they have something wrong with themselves.

People don't take mental conditions as seriously as they should because most people, when interacting with people in public, are on their best behaviour to fit in and not make it seem like there's anything wrong with them. Learning that someone has a mental illness might come out of left field for some people, making it hard to believe. Other times, they've known the person for a long time and they don't see the person as any differently than before, even if the mental illness itself only recently came into being. For reasons, probably of pity and of keeping with tightly ingrained ideas of morality that requires complete autonomy of an individual, it's a lot easier to blame someone for their own actions than it is to see the individual as not being the cause of their problems. This is much more prevalent in western society too, moreso than in Europe (so I remember reading in a study probably a decade ago.)
I rather see people who like to say that other's have little integrity, or they fake and claim false things, as being a part of the problem of people not treating mental illness seriously.

Please do no take what I said about my grandfather the wrong way. I do not believe you to be "socially ret*d," however, my grandfather was about as warm and snuggly as a cactus. If he wanted to pay you a complement it was kind of not a complement. Like, once when I was a little girl, I sang a song for him, and I could see he was having trouble with it, not sure why, it was on key...so he said that I had a good tempo. Ok... I'll take it. That's the nicest thing he's ever said to me.