How I Lost My Special Interest

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I don't have a special interest as far as I know. And that's something that feels weird to me. It makes me feel like almost a phony. Then I point out that I never sought to prove to myself that I have autism. I walk into a psychs office looking for a solution to a sleep problem. 9 months later, I have a few different mental health pros all saying I have aspergers. To be honest, I'd have thought they would have said I had pdd nos if I had any sort of autism.

As special interests went, it was hands down videogames, programming, and computer graphics as a kid. As an adult, there were two points in my life when I got back into computer graphics programming or game development. They were the happiest parts of my grown up life.

That's not the way things are now. Mainly, I search like crazy for ways to feel less dumb. I'd get into mnemonics, self-hypnosis, alternative learning tactics, and stuff like that. I'm a bit of an alternative education geek these days but it's not something I'd call an "obsession".

Simple truth of the matter is that I'm too preoccupied looking for ways to fix myself to just relax and do what I like to do. To fix it, you have to stop trying to fix it. Now, there's a paradox for you. Strangely enough, paradoxes make me giggle a little.

It sounds like one special interest (computer graphics, games) has been replaced by another that you don't recognize as a special interest.

Can a special interest really be something like 'fixing yourself'?

If so, that takes my understanding to a whole new level.

The thing that makes the interest special can be more how you do it than what it's about.


You could have a special interest in aviation, for example. It could be an interest in almost anything to do with aircraft, or a more restricted interest in aircraft wheels or navaids.

"Too preoccupied to relax and do what I like to do" sounds potentially like "abnormal intensity" of preoccupation.

I don't think there is a rule that you have to have a fixed interest. Of all the autistic kids I've gone to school with, its not like all of us had individual special interests. Some did. One kid was into trains. Another into buses. Another into model tanks. But not every autistic kid was like that. Some stimmed, some didnt. Some hand flapped, some didn't.

I don't deny the possibility of a special interest being replaced. I just wish I had a name for this current interest. Learning strategy optimization? Alternative education? Maybe "fixing myself" is too much of a negative spin. Below is a more positive way I describe it.

It's a general fascination with how geniuses think, democratic schools, the learning-creativity connection, bits of neuroscience, mnemonics, Dual N-Back exercises, ect. I can easily have 4 or so hours straight be consumed by a mix of memorizing big strings of numbers, Brain Workshop, and Khan Academy.

Most of my Python programming lately has gravitated around either playing with the harrier corners of the language or writing scripts for training my number memorization skills. I recently memorized a Grand Theft Auto map just as a way to get to know the Roman Room memory technique better. I've also been attracted to stuff like quantum mechanics, haskell, and MIT's Scheme course precisely because they are reputed to be hard. They give me excuses to seek out and try new learning tactics.

So on one hand, I feel like too much of a dilettante to claim to have a "special interest" yet acknowledge the possibility that "learning strategies" itself could well be it!

[quote="unknownfactor"As special interests went, it was hands down videogames, programming, and computer graphics as a kid. As an adult, there were two points in my life when I got back into computer graphics programming or game development. They were the happiest parts of my grown up life.

That's not the way things are now. Mainly, I search like crazy for ways to feel less dumb.

[...]

Simple truth of the matter is that I'm too preoccupied looking for ways to fix myself to just relax and do what I like to do.[/quote]

I feel exactly the same. There are some things that could happily attract my attention for hours (mostly around programming, books and roleplaying game universes), but right now I have all sorts of problems in my life and it feels somehow "wrong" to focus on that kind of "intellectual" pursuits instead of trying to fix myself. I think I will not be able to be completely at peace and happy doing what I like until I consider myself "fixed", whatever it means. That makes me feel a but sad.

Sounds like you're onto something. "Specialized Interest" doesn't necessarily have to mean "conscious fascination with a specific subject."

I mean, you might be interested specifically by, for instance, trains - or you might be fascinated by mechanical devices in general, or conceptual engineering.




Hyperfocus. Goes hand-in-hand with the concept of "obsession."

I'm quasi-obsessed with my likely/possible autism and the whole spectrum subject in general.

My therapist may now regret having picked up on it. Once it was recognized as likely, the snowball began rolling down the hill.

My special interest started when acupuncture fixed a repetitive strain injury that I had been suffering from for ages. It got me wondering how Chinese medicine dealt with things that affected the brain.
It was a journey that ultimatyelly caused a psychosis but now, nearly 30 years down the line, I can honestly say it 'fixed' me in so far that had I not gone down the path I did and learnt all I could to understand that what I set out to do I would not be talking to you to tell you I did.

People tell me I have an enormous amount of self-knowledge but I don't see it that way. The way I see the world I can not make sense of it if I don't understand my place in it. But not everyone is that deep a thinker...