I'm Insecure. I can't help it. Now I feel bad.

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I'm an insecure person in relationships. I've been this way all my life.

I remember my first girlfriend at 14. We dated for a couple of months. After the first month looking back now I was acting insecure even then. Then I had my real girlfriend at 19. Started off well and then I ended up insecure. We lasted 5 years, and in the end she cheated on me. I probably pushed her to it.

Now, there's this relationship. Been together nearly 6 years, and I've been insecure from the start. And it's caused problems from the start.

I am not controlling, but my attitude is insecure. If my girlfriend says she's going clubbing, I get down and depressed. It makes me feel sick for days and days. I don't eat. Then the day she goes out we end up in a fight, then I get even more insecure.

We was even planning a baby together. I'm infertile, so we are going through the processes of having a sperm donor on the 24th of this month. Now, her friend asked her if she wants to go clubbing on the 31st of this month. And then today she comes to me and says "Look at the drinks at this party, can't wait to have one of these cocktails. Going to be a good night with loads of alcohol".

I paused. And left it a while to see if she'd noticed what she said. She didn't.

This is when I got very down. Because she'd clearly forgotten about our artificial insemination on the 24th. Alcohol isn't going to be good 7 days after the insemination.

This is when I got upset and she asked me why. I told her and she said "Oh I forgot about that". Too wrapped up in wanted to consume alcohol to even remember that we have an appointment.

Really upset at the moment. I know my actions are not good either, and if I could stop I would.

I am starting to believe I would be better off alone. At least that way I don't keep hurting people and they don't hurt me.

Clearly I'm the dumb fool around here that nobody else has been through this before.

Edit: Apologies, just down right now. Really needed someone to talk to.

Last edited by jayjayuk on 18 Oct 2014, 6:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It sounds to me like your feelings are based in reality.
I would think she is not the right person, or simply isn't ready for the relationship that you want to have.
I would not be able to trust her judgement.

Just feels like I've been stabbed in the back. I am honestly thinking about moving out and just being alone. I can't deal with the pressures of relationships that are normal for everyone else, but not normal for me. It's not fair on the other person, and it's not fair to put myself through that.

Just want to be left alone.

Feeling secure in a relationship isn't something you just do on your own. It comes from knowing the other person is right for you, that you can trust them and rely on them, that they support you, that they are open with you, that you communicate well with each other, etc.

Sorry you are going through this. I know how it feels.

I think you are correct.
There must be very basic differences in character and driving forces that are the cause of what you are feeling.

I don't think we truly "compromise" so much. I think we attempt to rationalize, and just live with the disgust in order to avoid other emotional pain.

You are controlling. Being sick for 'days and days' because your girlfriend is going out to a nightclub is just weirdo territory. I don't like nightclubs, but I would feel stifled beyond belief by a guy who felt this way every time I wanted to go out.

I really would not have a baby together until the pair of you are more sorted. You need to realise that the vast majority of people want a social life and she needs to realise that getting smashed a few days after conception isn't a good idea - although if she "forgot" about the insemination, she can't be very keen on the idea anyway.

That first part implies that you think he made the conscious decision to feel sick, and that it wasn't a genuine emotion.
The last part implies that you would value what you get out of "going out" more than you valued the well-being of your significant other.

In other threads I've described a general process that these things fit into.
Basically it is social pressures that create an expectation for people to suppress genuine emotion.

In this case it would seem that his feeling sick was a genuine emotion and that your feeling stifled was the result of a social pressure.

The genuine part could be originated completely individually, but the social part requires the expectations of other people to be involved.

I'm not implying the guy is faking anything or making a deliberate decision to feel the way he does. I'm sure he's at the mercy of emotions which are highly painful for him. That's a bad situation to be in. An even worse situation to be in is to give into the emotions each and every time; to justify their rightness to himself and to blame his girlfriend for 'causing' them.

Valuing the well-being of your SO is an argument which can go round in a never-ending loop; does the topic creator respect his girlfriend's well-being? How far does placating your SO go? If you stop going to nightclubs because they don't like it, would you also stop going down the road to the local supermarket because they start not liking that either? Would you stop seeing your friends? Family? Never go out again except with your SO?

And no, m8, the feeling stifled is due to being stifled.

These extremes are hardly comparable to not going to nightclubs anymore...

No, it really isn't that extreme going from nightclubs to supermarkets, if you see the underlying thing they have in common. In both cases it involves the SO leaving the house and his or her partner alone at home. Yeah, nightclubs are "worse", in the sense that the SO is out late and might even - oh no! - have a good time.

Another point to note is that controlling tendencies tend to escalate over time, not diminish, unless a concerted effort is made to nip them in the bud.

one is "controlling" from a base of insecurity. deal with the insecurity part somehow.

This is not about just going out to have a good time and leaving someone alone at home. The girlfriend is talking about going out drinking because she "forgot" that they were planning to have a baby together. That's a major life decision and she's showing that the plans they have made together are not a priority for her. That's a reasonable thing to be upset over - yes, for days - and no the OP is not being controlling to be upset over that.

Yeah, m8, I covered that aspect in my first reply in this topic.

Not going over it again, I'm off to bed.

In the post, it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. I think it's understandable to feel this bad about what she did after the doctor said it would interfere with having children.

And it is psychopathic if you concede that his emotion was genuine and individually generated, yet suggest willfully disregarding it. You would clearly not have your partner's best interest in mind. That's a sign to not be in the relationship.



It only goes in a loop if you fail to analyze the situation fully.

The psychological craving for the social interaction of that nature comes from social pressures that would not be there otherwise, than they were generated within the imagination. This is very fundamentally different from a trip to the supermarket to retrieve real supplies that solve the real problem of maintaining life by eating. One is a hive-mind function (imagination) and the other is an function for individual survival (real).
The generation of the social craving is not limited to the imagination of the individual but is a decision that is made by others.
These other people clearly have no interest in the well-being of jayjayuk, nor do they or his girlfriend even consciously have control over the decision making process.
I consider that a situation where his concerns are valid.

The hive-mind has mechanisms that make drones believe that the decisions are their own and are based on individual free will. It is a deception. I've described this mechanism in fairly good detail in terms of chemical reward pathways in the brain that are triggered by the imagination.

The hive-mind also has mechanisms to discredit those who do display genuine individually generated emotion. The negative connotation of the word "insecure" is one example.
Any reluctance to serve the hive is quickly labeled as unreasonable.
The hive-mind rewards those who choose the psychopathic path of suppressing their real emotions by describing them as being "bigger", "above", "more adult", and recognizes their power to operate outside the limitations imposed by their real emotions. Psychopath is idolized and strived for.

The choice comes down to a drone's loyalty to the hive, or an individual's loyalty to another individual. People obviously define their relationships in different ways in order to support this choice. When people try to choose both at once, then both people experience great discomfort.

The hive most often overpowers the individual and the rewards offered by the imagination overpower anything that is real.