Some Help - Two Autistic Siblings

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I'm not sure if this is in the right forum, so let me know if I need to move it. I need some advice/someone to listen to me.

I was diagnosed with Aspergers and my brother has undiagnosed autism. For the past year he has been living with me for free because his financial aid was delayed. I've been very upset about this because I felt he wasn't being open with me about it - I always had to take the first step and ask him about his money, and that's the only way I found out how and why his money got delayed. He never initiated any of those conversations. When I get angry/upset it's hard for me to communicate with him, and I know that it's scary dealing with an angry person, but I still felt like he should have been open with me, which I told him.

Anyway, yesterday I found out that his money came in about a week ago, and that our Mom took the money out of his account. Today we're going to see if we can get that money back, but I doubt it, since her gave her his account information. I told him from the moment that he opened his account to not give her any information about it (she has a history of manipulating money out of my Dad and I), and he said ok, but obviously he did it anyway.

The only reason I found out about this is because I asked him about the money yesterday, and that is why I'm very angry. I have asked him to be more open about his money, he said he would, and now here he is, not being open about it. He said the reason he didn't want to tell me is because he knew I'd get angry, and he was scared I would kick him out. I understand why he thought this because a few months ago, I got very upset and freaked out and started hitting the walls and screaming at him and I yelled at him to get out. I wanted to break his laptop which is very precious to him, but I didn't. Afterwards I apologized and talked to him about it and told him that I have my own issues and I started seeing a therapist to deal with those issues. I'm trying very hard not to freak out like that again, but I'm dealing with a lot of anger, and he only makes it worse when he's not honest with me.

Of course, he's still scared to tell me the truth and scared of getting me angry, which I understand and which is why he didn't tell me about the financial aid. But now I'm mad at him all over again, and I'm not sure if I can trust him. A part of me is really, really angry and really, really hurt, but I'm trying to manage that and make sure that I don't do anything to hurt him. I'm not going to toss him out or break his things, and I'm trying very hard to set boundaries between us.

I told him how I felt and that it was wrong he lied to me about the money, even though I understand why he did it. He said he's sorry and that he'll try to tell me what's happening in the future, but right now, I'm not sure if I believe him. I feel like he doesn't get it, that it was wrong of him to keep me in the dark (at least in my point of view). I know if he keeps not telling me what's happening with his money, I'm going to get angry again.

The thing is, I get it. I was in his shoes before, where I was scared of being open with people because of how'd they react, and I know it's really hard and really scary to face an angry person. I can't really explain it, but when someone yells at me I want to cry and freak out, especially when I think they're wrong for taking their anger out on me. That's why I try really hard to not act out in anger, because I know what it feels like to face that, and it's the worst feeling in the world. I know I won't do anything drastic like kick him out or break this things, but I'm not sure if I can keep myself from screaming at him. And even I still have bad memories about people screaming at me in the past, and I wonder if it's the same for him.

I'm not sure what to do. I know that there's things I can't do - I can't kick him out or break his things, and I can't let my anger guide my decisions. I don't even want to do those things because I know it's wrong. But I'm still angry and upset and I feel like I have a right to be, but I also know that my anger doesn't justify bad behavior. I don't know if I can keep myself from yelling at him or raising my voice, but maybe it's something I can work on.

Honestly I'm scared. On one level I understand him, but it's like looking at a younger me. And a lot of times I feel like I can't even be angry because then I become like the people who mistreated me in their anger. No one has really taught him wrong from right, and to some extent, I feel like he doesn't realize how different he is? I don't know, it's all messed up, and I'm just really angry that he lied to me. I get it, but I'm really f*****g hurt and I don't know if he'll ever be open with me.

Any advice/words will be greatly appreciated.

That sounds tough for both of you. Your brother has trouble initiating communication, so you don't get information you need; and in the past, you've gotten really angry at him and he's scared you'll get that angry again.

I noticed your writing is decent. Is your brother also good at communicating in writing? I wonder if it would be less intimidating for him to write to you rather than talk about things, maybe by e-mail or text message.

Another thing you can do is make sure he knows what he should let you know about. Sometimes when I don't tell someone something, it's because I don't remember that they need to know about it. Sometimes keeping another person's mental state in mind can be tricky; it's mental multitasking that not everyone is good at. So you could tell him, "Tell me if anything changes about---" and then specifically what you want to be notified of.

Maybe you and your brother could have kind of a meta conversation. You've been having some trouble talking to each other and each of you has been irritating, angering, or frightening the other to some degree. Drop the money issues (agree to do this) and talk, type or text about how you can more easily communicate with each other.

Your mom seems to be the one your brother is most intimidated by. See it from your brother's perspective: She manipulates him into giving her his money, and he knows very well that in the past you have become very upset over money, so he is stuck between you, whom he fears upsetting, and his mother, who has the ability to put a lot of social and emotional pressure on him that he can't easily resist. (She may do the same to you. I have a manipulative mom, myself, and my sister and I try to stay at least several states away from her at all times, because we know that if we resist her demands she'll just start crying and trying to make us feel horrible.)

Try to team up with your brother. It sounds to me like your mom's really the one who started all this, and now she's sitting back counting her money and the two of you have to deal with the fallout.