New to the forum, and dealing with a troubling diagnosis

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Hi. I'm Laurentius. I'm from the UK, and lately I've been dealing with pretty troubling stuff that has made me seek out my fellow Aspies in ways I previously did not, to see if they could offer help to me in this time of existential crisis/depression.

I typically get anxious and panicky in situations I find to be uncomfortable, and when younger, I resorted to violence and "acting out" in response to these kind of discomforts, but as I got older it manifested in the form of extreme upset and panic/anxiety attacks, which generally involved a lot of tears and distorted breathing, etc etc.

I was diagnosed with it shortly after it totally destroyed an attempt to live and study independently at University, away from home, by exacerbating my Aspergers and also by conflicting with it constantly and causing me to question the point in my existence, and also to acknowledge feelings I had buried behind a wall of denial, and self-loathing. My counsellor believes it stems from a few sources, so far I've identified being made into a social pariah by misunderstanding and marginalistic housemates and classmates, losing an important relationship (which has caused me to become very fearful of romantic relationships in of themselves) and reacting poorly to a close friend/mentor who has helped me a lot with understanding who I am, being diagnosed with lymphomatic cancer (which has turned out to be a false diagnosis, so I got all anxious for nothing). It (that is, the diagnosis) was too late to be of any real help with the situation that the mental illness in question created, and it crushed me completely, I lost a lot of confidence and carefully constructed social skills and delicate structures that had allowed me to function with NT's and anyone else, in relative comfort and confidence in being myself.

I question everything I do now, apologise constantly for everything, and have become entirely unsure of myself. I feel either raw, like an exposed nerve, or completely deadened to my surroundings, and feel very unmotivated when I am at my worst. I have gone to a counsellor/therapist and it is helping, I've made some strides towards recovery but I slip back occasionally and I have decided to share my experiences with my *real* peers, in the hope that you guys have maybe been through something comparable/similar, and that maybe you could help me out with coping strategies for when I go back into education, as I can't do what I want to do in my life without a degree.

I will be posting in the "Get to know one another" section as well, but this is my primary concern and one of the main reasons I joined this website was to get help, as well as maybe provide insight and help to those more extremely affected in social situations than I am when I'm at my best. Thank you for reading, and feel free to ask any questions that might help you get an idea of how you could maybe help me with coping.

I also have anxiety, but I was wondering what your troubling diagnosis is if the one you were worried about was false?

I wasn't clear enough, sorry. The diagnosis I was referring to was the depression. It's been an obvious issue to me since around March, and affected me the most in April, when I got diagnosed. It continues to affect me (though it's grip has lessened) and I'm worrying myself into oblivion that I will never be able to control it/get a handle on it and truly be myself again. I say "control" and "get a handle" as I know that people who have suffered from depression are more likely to experience it again.

It's kind of nice to know I'm not the only one, though I obviously wish neither of us had it! Do you have any coping strategies that you would be willing to share with me?

I'm actually having a rough patch right now. I was in bed until 11 yesterday, barely ate, spent 3 hours online watching TV, then slept until about 5, then got up for just a few minutes before I slept again until 8 this morning. I feel like crying my eyes out most days, and when I'm not laying in bed, I sit up on it and watch some Sci-Fi TV on Amazon Prime or sometimes Law and Order on cable. I just try to get up and eat. If I'm having a good day, I can shower, if I feel too drained I take a bath or don't wash at all and just go back to bed.

Some of the things I do to calm down is listen to some cool music and stim to it. If I watch some TV that calms me down. I have a list of shows I am able to watch but I find that The X-Files or Fringe is the most calming to me. In some of my somber moods I listen to Snow Patrol and cry it out. But if I can make myself more upbeat I like to listen to Katy Perry's "Dark Horse" or similar pop music.

Let me know if you want anymore advice.

I'm sorry to hear that. I used to do similar things in the worst stages of it. Washing piled up. I slept all day, didn't really eat substantially, when I was up I wasn't really doing anything at all productive. I felt empty and devoid of any real purpose, but like there was a well of trapped feeling ready to burst forward at any second, I just wasn't sure what feeling that was.

Yeah those are techniques I've used to. I've also found finding someone who can share the moment with you, who can help you rationalise it is also a good thing to have. My best friend (who I'll refer to as J) is someone I commonly ring when having a breakdown. He normally calms me right down, helps me to rationalise my thoughts and feelings. If he's not available, I normally try to focus my mind on something that really interests me e.g. Friedrich Nietzsche, or reading a fiction book (currently on American Psycho by Bret Easton-Ellis). Anything that refocuses my attention into something "positive" is generally a good way of kicking it up the proverbial ass.

Sometimes when I'm watching TV, my mom will just come in the room and hug me. At least I have one person who cares lol.

I would hug you if I could. Even though I barely know you.

Thanks

You're welcome, sometimes a hug from someone else is all you need.

Feel free to PM me anytime if you would like to chat more