The never ending search..

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Hello everyone.

I have been following this forum for quite some time. I have no idea if i have asperger or not. One friend (well, my only one ) said a couple of weeks back that i do really have something in that area.

Telling long stories has always been hard for me, i always seem to tell random incoherent things with facts here and there in real life a couple of years back. I have been watching other people on this and how they tell things more slowly (which sometimes gets me on my nerves.. i usually like things short and straight to the point )

Anyway, where was i?
Childhood

I dont remember alot about my childhood. At the age of 5, i already was really addicted to the computer and my nintendo. I used to hum music from doom, running around the class which sometimes got me into trouble. I used to play outside in the forest sometimes aswell with someone from school who used to live near my house. At around the age of 7, my school wanted to have me tested. I dont remember anything of this, but the school thought i had a mental disability and could not learn fast enough. Turned out i was very intelligent but i did not want to use it. I also used to touch my private parts inappropiatly back then and got asked frequently if i had to go to the bathroom.

By the age of 8, other kid's parents did not really wanted their kids to play with my anymore. They wanted their kids to socialise and not sit behind the computer all the time. At that time, i started to notice i was usually picked last at gymnastics, despite the fact that i was pretty much the fastest kid. I did not get bullied much at this point, maybe because my school had a strict policy about that.

At the age of 12, my mom put me on a training that should've improved my social skills. I really found that embarrasing, forcing conversations with classmates while i sucked at it. I cheated my way through with writing down imaginary conversations that i have never had.

There were many silly social things at this school that i've made.. for example, when a photographer came to our school to make photos of us, i would put on this REALLY fake smile when he asked me to, which led to everyone else laughing at me because i did not really understood what was expected of me.


When i went to highschool, things started to get worse. I had a very difficult time adjusting with the homework-free enviroment in the previous school. In high school, you could not go home and play video games all day, expecting you to get A grades. After 3 months, i was forced to switch to a lower-leveled class so i could cope. I was very bad at gymnatics, technique, art.. pretty much anything that uses fine motor skills. During highschool, i was beaten alot, especially by girls.

I got alot of comments like.. 'can you act normally?" during gymnatics. "Can you look me in the eye? are you gay?" "take a good look at them (lovers), no woman will ever want to touch you" I wore clothes that was considered abnormal, but i felt comfortable with it. I really did not understand those comments. To this day, in conversations, i make eye contact but i found out that i tend to look away after 4 seconds because i get a kinda weird feeling in my stomach and i have to look away for a few seconds, this switches back and forth. Sometimes i just start a conversation with eye contact then just look to the ground while they talk to me to make me feel at ease.

I had a few kids that i really looked up to because they were really populair. I tend to mimick their behaviour, trying to fit in, but it only resulted in teachers hating me more. When those guys moved to another school at the second year in highschool, the bullying increased tenfold.

I had very weird behaviour and when i think about it, i really feel embarrased at all those silly things i did. There were times where i just mad this high pitched screaming voice, thinking people would find it funny but they did not. They only thought i was mentally ret*d. During highschool, i was also the guy who would say something while the conversation topic already switched 3 times within a few minutes, resulting in a short silence and then proceeded to continue without ever responding to me. Sometimes they would just walk away.

I would also take things litteraly. One day, a guy in my class brought his hardcore CD which drove me crazy. I cant understand anyone who likes that music which keeps repeating itself for 8 minutes straight. I think He would say to a girl in the far back of the class how ret*d i really was and say, "Hey Suncatcher, can you hit the cd player please? i think it got stuck again.." which i did.

I had numerous projects that i was forced to do alone because no one wanted to work with me. I had no ability to plan and force myself to work on it, which resulted in delays and me starting to work on the project only 2 days before the deadline.


Things did not get better once i went to IT school or thereafter. People would just call me "inspector gadget" or mister serious since i did not participated in playing, joking around. I just did not understood what people expected of me, so i would just stand there absolutely frozen. I also have this when i see people crying.. i have no idea how to make them feel better, whereas anyone else would throw an arm around them and comfort them.

Now i have been working for several years in the security. The first few years, i got bullied ALOT because a guy from school appeared to work at the same company aswell. He was the type of guy who picked out the verbally weak person and the one everyone despises and literally stomp you in the ground with ANYTHING you said just to score a few extra points with other colleagues. I got really depressed, at some point i drove away, pretending i was going to take photos (photography is my hobby..) but i was just thinking "im not coming home anymore". After 1.5 year, he got fired after trying to make other colleagues doing the work for him he did not want to do, any all of his 'henchmen' followed to another company.

During this time, i also became aware of other aspie traits that i have. For example, sometimes i see a colleague driving and we go to some place to smoke a cigarette. Most of the time, i have no idea what to talk about but i've learned to cope with that..
what i just CANNOT stand is when they keep the engine running while talking. I get very nervous when i hear any sound when i am doing something else. For instance, when i am sitting alone in the car and i am checking facebook or some other news website or wrongplanet, i cannot keep the ventilator fans running.. its kind of like a ear splitting sound that distracts me

I developed a somatoform disorder, benign fasciculation syndrome.
At the same time, i started taking paxil for about a year. Paxil really switched me from a very introverted person to a extrovert person. Even to this day, after 5 years of not taking it. It's really weird how such a pill can change something permanently in you like that. As a result of taking paxil, i also dont really feel 'stress' anymore. But after a few days, it comes out with extreme pain all over my body with alot of muscle twitches.

Over the past few years, i improved myself on alot of points.
-My speech can be very dynamic, i guess i learned this from watching series and anime.. i just love anime and the way these japanese people can have SO many diffrent tones while saying 1 word!
-Now i know how to comfort a crying person a bit. Sometimes it results me in asking too many questions so i can understand what situation she is in so i can 'feel' empathy, sometimes i just put an arm around her, even if its just acting..
-Even thou i can really talk very much about myself, i am still very silent in groups.. when there are more than 2 people, i switch back to introvert mode.

And yet, i still dont have many friends.
You see, when it comes to friends, i am sort of in a dillema. On one hand, it is a NEVER ENDING search to find that one person that is always there for you. It sort of becomes longing for it, since you always dreamed about this friendships that you read about in books.

On the other hand, i feel comfortable who i am. I feel comfortable sitting behind my computer. This is me, i can 'function' perfectly alone.

This has sort of become a problem in relationships. I have no problem with getting a girl into bed. Once you know the trick to make them laugh (because over the years, i learned sort of how to talk and make jokes like Q from star trek ) it really becomes easy. However, i barely have the capacity to sustain a friendship. How on EARTH can i make a relationship work? When i did have a relationship, i just felt completely drained and was glad to drive home again and recharge for the next couple of days. I also get really angry when those girls call you when you dont feel like talking ( about 90% of the time when i sit behind the pc) or when you are gaming..


Family stuff.. 'diagnosis'
My brother.. technicly, he is my brother but i have NO idea what goes on in his mind. He was diagnosed a couple of years ago with pdd-nos. His symptoms however are much much more severe than that. He is kind of like me, sitting behind the computer all day, except he gets social security and i work. He never wants to go out, he thinks people and social situations are scary. My father.. i dont know much about him either.. he never talked about his childhood and stuff like that. My dad has many traits in that category aswell. I have no problems with my mother tho, infact, i love her very much.. if i did not have this 'bond' with her, suiciding 5 years ago would've been alot more easier.

A few years back, asperger was alot in the news. People called it a TSUNAMI of diagnoses in the last 10 years. At this time, i went to a psychiatrist to look for answers. One of the problems as an extrovert is that i REALLY can talk alot about myself. When compared to other people with aspergers here, i can also feel emotions and attach words to it pretty good. I have no difficulty with that. First i had an intake for about 1 hour then a chat with a real psychiatrist for about 30 minutes. He said to me, "I think something somewhere went really bad for you.. at first i thought, there are some traits of asperger but no.." he then wanted to put my on another social training because of severe social anxiety which i just refused. I'm sorry, but i dont feel anxious when i am in a social situation. I dont feel panic when i have to go to the super market to pickup a milk bottle. It's just that there is SOME defect in me that prevents me from getting friends and is making me act awkward in social situations.

To this day, i want to have a second opinion someday. I really think goverment pressure about the tsunami of aspie's prevented him from giving me a diagnosis. It is not that i want social security, infact, i love everything about my job.. the only thing i hated my job is when i have to go to work after sitting behind my computer ofcourse. I need that extra money so i can keep on buying photography gear and computer gear which is not possible with the money my brother is getting.

1.5 year ago, i also met someone during a photoshoot who became a friend of mine to this day. I can finally go to themeparks with someone so i dont have to stand in the line alone with people looking at me, thinking there is something weird about me. Okay, sometimes i make socially awkward comments that might make other people go

I went to a few dance festivals aswell.. but i dont really like it. The music is too loud for me and i would just stand on the sides having NO idea what to do and i just freeze up. But i like it so watch other people enjoy it. At one festival, i had a conversation with my friend who told me that yes, there is something different (aspie..)about me. At that point, my heart started to cry.. because i have felt different all my life. To me, it is a never ending search. My main focus now lies in keep learning, keep trying to have friends. If people dont like me, i just deleted them out of my life.. that is something that has become really easy over the years - letting people who are bad to you go. Sometimes this leaves ex girlfriends stunned on how easy this is for me. And maybe, someday.. i will be able to sustain a friendship without people runing away from me. Then i will attempt to have and sustain a relationship. My record after 6 relationships is 4 months.. i dont want to feel dissapointed at myself again.

Sorry for the long post. I hope i am welcome here, even when english is not my main language

Last edited by Suncatcher on 04 Aug 2014, 4:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

AQ score was 34.
The other test i got about 108 if that is relevant..

Ps : at my work, i tend to get into trouble with my boss. You see, a company only cares about the money. If the company is big enough, they like to systematicly 'steal' from their workers. I am pretty much the bell ringer together with another colleague ( who also clearly has asperger, i sort of have a radar for that. I dont know why. For some reason, he is also the only colleague that i've really liked ever since i got bullied 5 years ago and switched to another group)

I pretty much know every rule out of my head. "We live by the rules, we die by the rules" Justice is my obsession. When i found out my boss screwed all workers for years when it comes to vacation time and salary, i really put much work to it to get them down to their knees. One of the things that can become a obsession..

What´s "the other test"?
Rdos Aspie test?
RAADS (ritvo)
BAP
(just to mention some good ones)

The one that shows some weird circular figure at the end.

Edit : Cant post links yet, but it is rdos

Hello Suncatcher, welcome to WP Obviously no one here can say definitively whether you have autism or not, but from what you've written, I'm inclined to think it's a possibility. Did the doctor you saw originally specify why he thought it was social anxiety rather than AS?

A few questions about traits you didn't mention: do you have any sensory issues? Not dealing with noise, sound, light well, etc., or perhaps the opposite, requiring more stimuli than normal to feel it effectively? You did mention not liking music festivals due to the noise: what's that like?

Also, do you have any 'special interests' or hobbies you work on or spend hours at a time studying without getting bored? I'm not actually certain whether spending copious quantities of time on the computer qualifies or not; I think it has to run deeper than that.

Anyway, the above two symptoms are not required for diagnosis, however they are very common among autistics, so I thought I'd ask. If it were me, I'd get a second opinion, as there is definitely something there. Good luck

No, the doctor did not specify Why he thought that way. During the time when i got BFS, i did develop some ocd.. at that time, i thought it was als so i did alot of Silly strength tests.

I became very interested in rare diseases thereafter. I could Google for hours. When i had a girlfriend who wanted to become a doctor, she was amazed at How much i knew about rare diseases, the statistics, prognosis and treatment.

I dont have a special interest in the sense of collecting items. I do have interest in science,medicine and economics.. typical stuff that bore NT to death.

I can Google for days on topics like quantum superposition and the fact that there must be a specific point at which all possible positions cease to exists fascinate me. Then after a few days of watching lectures on YouTube, i become increasingly bored by stumbling on the same websites over and over again and go to something else. I can understand why you ask this, having no Friends and gaming alot alone is not a AS diagnosis.

Sensory symptoms.. Well, in the winter i can sit behind my computer all day in my boxershort, even when Its freezing outside. I dont feel the cold that much.. unless ofcourse i actually go outside When Its -15.

About the music, i can listen to top40 music. But i can become really agitated by hiphop, house, hardcore.. things with alot of wild lyrics, vocals and beats that are too fast. Sometimes i even hyperventilate. I found out that trance really is the perfect balance of all and i can daydream all day long. Sometimes iput one song on repeat in my car at work all night long


When it comes to social skills, i have improved alot over the years. Even though i use quotes from movies and series in my own way to comfort people When they are crying for example. It would take an ordinary person alot of effort to see that there is something abnormal about me.

After every conversation i tend to overanalyze When i am alone, repeating stuff from the conversation etc. I often find myself in my car repeating whole scènes from my favorite series

At my work there are alot of new people who find graveyard shifts hit them hard on their social life. It has been an inside joke that i never had that problem, i always tell them

I too am very inclined to think, that you have aspergers or something like it. You seem to meet so many criteria.
Welcome to this page.

Thank you for your kind words. It is also something that makes me really angry. How can any psychiatrist say within 20 minutes you dont have AS When he doesnt know the fine details? Is it because i can talk about myself very good? Or Is it because of pressure from the government that too many people get diagnosed and receive social security?

I dont want that, all i want is to move to the acceptance stage. You see, at the age of 18 i would often compare myself to data from star trek. Always analyzing and improving myself.. it felt like i was running on beta version 0.7c and i constantly need bugfixes and adjustments while every other person runs at version 1.0

I want to know that lts not my fault..

No psychatrist or any other for that matter can determine whether a person has ASD within 20 minutes.
...and it is not your fault!

Any doctor worth his salt is not going to refute an autism diagnosis because you have good self-awareness and can articulate it. My diagnostic report even specified that I was good at describing my symptoms in general and specifically; a lot of aspies and high functioning autistics have very strong verbal skills: my verbal IQ is 134, in stark contrast to my nonverbal IQ, 40 points lower. If your doctor actually thinks that your ability to articulate your symptoms effectively means you don't have autism, you definitely need a second opinion.

Your hard-wiring is not your fault; you did not ask to be an android in a world full of humans (a very apt metaphor by the way: I identify strongly with Data and Seven of Nine as well). It does take more effort to succeed in a world that wasn't designed for our wiring, but it's not impossible.

Someday i will, maybe next year or so. You see, my doctor - not the psychiatrists - really thinks its all in my head after i had a few medical tests a couple of years back because of the somatoform disorder and anxiety as a result of that. About 2 years ago i went to a psychologist after i got into trouble at work and i was kinda forced to but it wasnt much of a help either and i stopped going there about after 4 months or so. I mean, a psychologists quickly loses his credibility once he starts coming up with therapy's that is not backed up by science. I dont believe in hocuspocus. I went to a psychiatrist at the hospital, but there is a clinic just a few blocks away from the hospital that is specialized in borderline, anxiety disorders and autism. Maybe next year i go ask my doctor to give me a green card and get tested.

One part of me really wants to know where i stand. On the other hand, it will cost me about 500 euro's and at the end of the road i may ask myself the question, was it worth it? did it change ANYTHING?

And i dont really want to let my mom find out. there has to be atleast ONE normal son in the family, right? having 2 sons with AS may make her sad

Suncatcher, would those lectures you watch by any chance be the opencourse lectures from MIT that are on youtube?
I spend hours watching them, sometimes multiple times. I don't always agree 100% with the professors, but that just makes it more interesting and thought provoking.
I usually stick to the physics courses like electromagnetism or quantum.

As for music, have you seen the movie "Moon"? and what did you think about that soundtrack?
The physics are off in the movie, but the piano in the soundtrack really relaxes me.
This is part of the soundtrack:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFPpN7jZB2o
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lAfMT5FIZE

I also really enjoy the sound of the beam instrument, so I like watching the movie "Chronos" which is also on youtube.

Yes. Pretty much everything about quantum physics in general and cosmic inflation.

I have never seen that movie, but i do really like movie soundtracks. I find the ones you sent me pretty relaxing

I think MIT opencourse is such a godsend for aspies. You get access to the information without having to go through the torture of the college environment.

If you would like to have side discussions about physics or any of the lectures you my pm me here and we could email.

It's pretty much impossible for me to find someone actually around me to discuss physics ideas with.

I will probaly send you a PM later this week, this is the only evening i am free this week, i got evening shifts starting tomorrow till monday so i kinda do my own thing and recharge.

Because i like trance, it doesnt mean i only put trance songs on repeat in my car..

For example, a couple of weeks back i heard this song on the league of legends stream and i have had it on repeat for like 4 days straight because it was so catchy


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VCZzk532xc

Used to like listening to trance. Others, would play a favorite song only on repeat for 7 days straight...till it annoyed me.