A Person as a Special Interest

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Hello----I posted this in the parents section, but did not get much feedback, so I thought I would post here if that is okay.

I have a 9 yr old Aspie boy that seems to get "stuck" on certain people. I hate to say " obsessed with", but it almost seems that way. Sometimes it is girls, sometimes its boys, sometimes adults. He seems to want to talk about the person constantly. I am not sure if the other person even knows that they are the object of his interest. Eventually, that person fades out and someone new will start up. I am just becoming concerned because I don't want him to be perceived as odd in this way. I know that is probably out of my control, but I am just trying to find out if there is anything I can do the help him. It is not like these people have a healthy friendship with him.

Have any of you ever experienced this, and how did you cope with it? Or how did it turn out for you?

I've never had an interest in people but it's classic Special Interest behaviour. Perhaps you can try to steer his interests in other directions.

I don't actually find any thing wrong with his behavior, but I add the proviso that I would be concerned if your son was led on by someone of bad influence, who might harm your son. To a certain extent though, you can control your son's environment by ensuring that your son goes to a good school and has a wide enough circle of friends that you can provide for him. In that way he is less likely to fall under bad influence of someone who might harm him.

As for comment that you realise that you can't control him, I think what you should do is to provide the best role model as possible for your son. If you try to alter his behaviour in the way you would like him to behave, most likely he will just go into his shell and mope around in his bedroom and play computer games and never go out and meet anyone. At least this way, he is seeing other people and if he gets hurt, so be it. You should be there to console him if he gets hurt by the actions of other people and encourage him to get back out there and meet new people. Don't worry if other people find your son odd. That's their problem.

I've always had obsessions with people where I think about the person all the time and develop an idealized fantasy version of them. Unlike your son, though, I don't talk about my obsession - it would make me too nervous.

Thanks for your replies. My son doesn't really have any "real" friends. He has been in public school and is mostly in a protective environment. He seems to be pretty intelligent, so I am not sure special education is the right place for him. He is partially mainstreamed. He is expressing a desire to get out of the austism support class, but I am not sure he is able to fully function in a complete mainstream environment. I would like to homeschool him to protect him from bullying in the future and to help him develop intellectually to his fullest potential. My concern is that this will limit his social interactions.

My son does talk about his "person of interest", but I think it is because he is still young and innocent. He does seem to feel uncomfortable at times when I try to have a conversation about the person. So I guess he could possibly try to hide his obsessions in the future.

How have you coped with this in your life? Have you been able to have any "normal" friendships or relationships?

I have a lot to say about this, but I'll have to try again later. My first response was really long and detailed and it got deleted halfway through. You're probably lucky there The second was rambling and lacking in sufficient detail so I need to "stew" on this one a bit I guess. Too much to say about this and I have to go to church now anyway.

I think most of my crushes have been special interests. It's gotten to the point where I almost idolize them at times, and then get disappointed when they do something that shows me that they're just human. It doesn't happen often though and it's been a while since I've done this because I'm aware that I do it now.

Sadly, I don't think there's really anything you can do but be there for him.

(I was homeschooled/online schooled and I think I'm fine socially.)

I was most certainly that way as a kid. I would get someone in my head and couldn't think about anyone else or anything else. In fact I kind of maintained that up until young adulthood.

If it were possible to get him away from that - I would suggest to do so. But if he has obsessions anything like mine. Forget it! Nothing will direct his attention elsewhere until the obsession has run its course. Best to just be emotionally supportive and let it run its course. Eventually he will see that he is all worked up over nothing. At least that was my experience.

May just be me I don't know. Have you considered he may be doing it, because they did something he doesn't quite understand and doesn't know how to put it into words?

I do this constantly, someone will do something and it takes me anywhere between hours and days, sometimes weeks dependent on the severity of the action, for me to process it. In the mean time, I will talk about that person at length and in detail, trying to figure out what it is about one particular instant that has me stuck. It's usually a feeling I had about it, or confusion as to why they did what they did.

When I was younger it was more along the lines of what was different about them from what I was use to seeing. Such as they had a certain toy, they got their hair cut, they may have helped someone, been picked first, etc. It was still something that I had an emotional response to, just couldn't connect the dots aka see the bigger picture.

I have noticed that he is really interested in people that are of a certain ethnic background right now. The one child that he has taken an interest in right now is a non verbal child that is in his autism class. He talks about the kid all the time. But in the past, it has been typical children that he seems to get interested in. So far, it has not really caused him much trouble, but I am just trying to stay abreast of it because I am concerned that as he gets older, it may become an issue. I don't know for sure.

Have you put as much thought into what may happen if you stifle it? (Rhetorical.)

Rather than look for the problem in it, maybe it would be to mutual benefit if you looked for positive and productive ways to nurture it. Having an interest in people seems like a awful good start for many things and careers to me.

Well we haven't completely tried to stifle his interest in other people, it just seems as though sometimes the interest in one particular person becomes a bit obsessive to the point that it is consuming a big part of his day. For instance, he keeps saying the kids name over and over. We try to ignore it, but after awhile it is hard to. He even asks us to give him a hug and then says the kids name when we give him a hug. We have tried to talk to him about it, but to no avail. The kid does seem to be happy when he sees my son, and they like to make faces at each other, so maybe my son is just happy that someone close to his age is paying attention to him. It just seems to be consuming my son's thoughts more than what seems healthy. I don't know. Maybe I am making too much of it.

How much time has worrying about it consumed yours?

Good point....I guess he gets his obsessive traits from somewhere. As a mother, I just want to do the best I can for my son, but I guess some things are just out of my control.

He may grow out of it. I did.

I have trouble making friends, but that's more part of my Asperger's in general. Lately, though, I've been wondering if part of the reason I have trouble connecting with people is that I can't tell them everything about me - that I have these obsessions that I'm terrified to tell anyone about. I'm hoping that will change as I get older. My obsessions aren't just about people I know - they can be about famous people/bands or places as well.

And I haven't had any relationships, but I'm still young.

Your son will probably be different, though. From what you've said, he sounds much more outgoing and open than me.