What are friendships like for other people?

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I was going to ask what friendships were like for NTs, but it's starting to occur to me that different people might have different conceptions of friendship, whether they are on the spectrum or not.

I was watching the musical "Company" on Netflix, and it's about a guy turning 35 and all his friends throw him a surprise party. It explores his married/dating friends' relationships and how he is alone... but he's not alone, really. He's not alone like I'm alone.

I saw the most recent version of this musical in a movie theatre last summer, and I haven't watched this older version on Netflix all the way through yet, but it starts out with all of his friends calling him to wish him happy birthday, or to ask him for advice, or to see if he's all right.

Does that actually happen in real life? I'm not sure, because it IS a musical, and musicals sometimes exaggerate real life.

My parents never had friends. They never had birthday parties. No one ever called to see how either of them were doing except for my Nana (mom's mom.) Now that I'm grown and moved out, they never call me to see how I'm doing. They do wish me happy birthday on my birthday over the phone, but if I otherwise want to talk to them, I have to call - they won't call me if I decide not to call them for a while. For most of my 20's, I didn't talk to them much. Now that my dad is getting older, I call more often because I'm scared that he's going to pass away and I'll wish I spent more time with him.

So as an adult, I don't have friends either. I don't understand friendship. I don't know how to make acquaintances friends, I don't know how to tell if someone is your friend or not, I don't know how to navigate the different levels that friendships seem to have.

I've seen some of my acquaintances with their friends. They do stuff together, like go to the gym. They throw each other birthday parties. I managed to wrangle up a couple of them to go for coffee with me once or maybe twice in the span of a year. And I got invited to one of their birthday parties once, but I guess I failed that test because I didn't ever get invited to anything again.

I don't actually want phone calls and parties, but I don't like the level of aloneness I have in my life right now either. Once school starts up again I'll be fine - I do a lot of volunteering on committees, so I have people to talk to and jobs to do that don't require socializing. I wish more people socialized like I do - I am very comfortable in writing, so I do the bulk of my socializing on internet forums and through e-mails. But every time I send someone a long e-mail, they usually don't answer. The only person who's ever bothered to explain why they don't answer said that e-mail just isn't her preferred method of communication.

But what are friendships like? What do you want in a friendship? My concept of friendship is so skewed because of my experiences and my parents' experiences.

I think this might be difficult for people to put into words - I'm having difficulty too.

I can't really say what friendship is exactly but I'll tell you my experience...

Anyway, for me, when I think about it, my friends pretty much 'chose' me - although it took an awful lot of effort on my part to build and maintain the friendships. I only have a few friends and don't cope well when there are too many people in the same room as I find it overwhelming.

I have 3 main friends, these friendships survive on our shared interests mainly. Most of us have a deep interest in music. One of my friends shares an interest in the same knowledgeable subjects as me and one of them shares my interest in playing pool.

Basically two of them call semi-regularly. I unfortunately end up moving the conversation onto my interests, with one of the friends this is fine because we can have a long and detailed conversation on the subjects - the other friend though complains that I often move the conversation onto my interests and go on too much about them.

It bothers one of my friends how my conversations are never really spontaneous. But she can tell me when I'm boring her.

Anyway, feel free to ask any specific questions.

EDIT: I should mention that I'm not diagnosed with an ASD.

My parents didn't have friends either - my Dad through choice, my Mum because my Dad made everyone who set foot in our house feel very awkward.

I have a few friends, but it took me a long time to find them and I struggle to maintain those friendships. I don't feel that I need to see my friends very often, and I don't usually do things regularly with them. Although I usually like seeing them I find it quite exhausting and sometimes I get a strange sensation where it feels as everyone is very far away from me, or behind glass. I don't seem to connect in the same way other people do.

A year and a half ago I moved away from my home city and I have no friends where I live now. I wouldn't mind a few online friends, I had quite a close online friend for a while, but he died. I don't feel any real motivation to go out and try and find people here to make friends with.

I have a lot of acquaintances, but few friends.

I belong to a re-enactment group, and about 10 to 15 people in that are people I can have a conversation with and joke around with. They don't really know me and I don't really know them, and I think that is the way everyone concerned likes it.

There is one man I email virtually every day. I consider him my best friend. We have mental illness in common, so that is one thing that kind of keeps us relating. We both have the same kind of sense of humor. I can tell him pretty much everything.

I don't have a girlfriend and haven't had one for many years. I think I am too immature for someone my age and too old for someone who is emotionally like me.

I'm not NT, and neither is my best friend -- in the wake of her daughter's diagnosis we've both realized that we are on the spectrum as well.

But, that said, for me, friendship means being there for the friend, and the friend being there for me. We've been friends since fall of '83 when I knocked on her door selling Stanley Home Products. Over the years, I've driven her to the hospital; she helped me move out when I left my first husband; she went out in the dead of night to rescue me when my car broke down just off the Interstate; I went over to help her after her surgery; we've each read the other's family the proverbial riot act at least once -- and that's just hitting the high points. Not counting all the times we've each talked the other down off the wall.

Friendship means accepting the other as they are, and helping them to be who they want to be.

One of my other "best" friends is my current husband. He's NT, but still has more issues of his own than Time magazine, Bi-Polar being one of them. He'd been concerned about some of my stranger quirks before I realized I'm an Aspie. Now he just asks me to keep the volume down when I vocalize, esp when he's trying to sleep. In return, I work at viewing his need to talk things to death, without (horrors!) even seeking a solution or even reassurance, as his "stim" It seems to help him feel better to talk about it, just as spinning or rocking does me.

_________________
If it don't come easy . . . .
. . . .hack it until it works right

Aspie score: 142/200 NT score: 64/200
AQ Score: 42
BAP: 109 aloof, 94 rigid and 85 pragmatic

Does anyone else have problems with reciprocation?

I understand that friendship is supposed to be the way you describe, CuriousKitten, but I've never been able to manage that long term. I accept people for who they are, for the most part, but as for helping them be who they want to be, that just sounds like words to me. I'm having trouble conceptualizing that.

Helping people move, I have no problem with. Painting someone's house, I have no problem with. Being there while someone recovers from surgery? That's too emotional for me and makes me uncomfortable. Talking someone through a breakup, or divorce Can't do.

Am I an awful person? I don't think so. If I could show my love for someone by painting their house 20 times, I'd do it.

I've wondered if it's a gender thing, female versus male, but the interesting thing is that I was raised female. I didn't transition to male until I was 27.

i have very few friends a lot of acquaintances

Dots, I suspect everyone has things they simply can't do. One of my friends from the Flea Market, years ago, developed cancer -- I never went to the hospital to see her because I couldn't handle being in the hospital -- it was too soon after my mother's death -- I heard through the grapevine that my friend understood, and one weekend morning, I felt her presence in the car as I was driving to the Flea Market to open my stand. I wasn't surprised when I heard she died just about that time.

My current husband can't handle waiting rooms, not even the Vet's when I had to have a terminally ill cat euthanized. He drove me there because she needed to be held just so for any degree of comfort (Congestive Heart Failure and crashing fast), but he dropped me off and came back after a prescribed length of time. For his own doctor's visits, he schedules the first appt in the morning so there is unlikely to be any wait, and almost nobody around if there is a short delay.

Painting a friend's house would indeed be a guy thing, but still good

My friendships are soft grounds to fall on when the times get rough. You fall on them and they catch you and vice versa. They're there to talk when you need to talk or when they want to talk. If you're bored and you want to go somewhere with somebody you can call a friend.

I like somebody who I can trust and where we have common interests. I like to have good times together. I like to know that somebody actually cares about me and that makes me care for them as well.

Work with out pay.

My friends are a cornerstone in my life. The best times that I have, are the times that I spend with my friends.

My pets are my best friends

My definition of friendship has progressed over the years. When I was elementary school, I didn't know what a friend really means, i.e., I can't tell which among my classmates are my friends and which are not. What I just know for certain is that I talk a lot with this person and I am more comfortable with him compared with others. I sort of needed some explicit (verbal) confirmation that I am his friend before I consider him a friend. Thus, I had few friends when I was very young.

Well, high school clarified my definition of friendship. Friends, for me, became people whom you want to spend time with, whom you can share a bit of information about you which you wouldn't share with other people, whose needs you care about, who also care the same about you. Since I spent about four years with the almost the same people in high school, I had time to make many friends in this phase of my life.

In college, my definition of friendship is still the same. But I made fewer friends because there are no permanent sections in college unlike in high school. I had tons of acquaintances though.

It is also worth noting that there are different degrees of friendship. There is no clear cut classification of friendship, as far as I know, but I can say that to one friend, I can tell almost all of my problems and passions. But for another friend, I can only speak about school stuff and keep my love life a secret. To some friends, I am utterly concern about how they are doing to the point of calling them. Sometimes I just simply miss them that I just call them for the sake of talking with them. For some other friends, we just enjoy doing stuff together but I don't call their phone afterwards. I also don't miss them too much, compared to other friends.

Personally, I don't consider someone my friend unless I have met him in person. I just consider people I meet in the internet as "online buddies." But for some people, they consider them their friends. I think that's also a definition of a friend; it's just that it doesn't work for me.

Yes, it happens in real life. Some people throw surprise birthday parties for a friend. Or they give random gifts. I have seen some myself. Depending on the preferences of friends, some may hug each other or help another in his homework. There are different and varied ways friends express affections for each other. For example, I talk a lot with my close friend for hours about random topics but I do not hug him. It is not that we are not close friends, we just have other ways of expressing our friendship. For another close friend, we also talk a lot and hug each other too.

I think the reason why some people don't answer your emails is because for some, it is easier to talk than to write or type. Also, in our school, when people open their mail, they are in the "work mode." I am not sure if that is the case in your place, but if people are in the "work mode," they are less likely to socialize. Why not try Facebook? You can use the messaging feature there. I think when people open their Facebook, they're game to socialize at that moment. Also, I think it is best that when you message someone to start a conversation, don't send them long messages. You can start with a short message about a topic both of you can relate, then as you chat along you can progress to other topics you want to discuss.

Hope this helps.