Comforting People

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When I see a person suffering, I often want to help the person and feel sympathy, but I don't know how to comfort them. I feel like whatever I say, it will be the wrong thing and I'll just make it worse. Also, sometimes people don't want to be comforted at all. Most NTs find this strange and assume I'm not interested in them. This is especially true for strangers because some people feel uncomfortable sharing their problems with strangers (I know I do ).

I also experience empathy in "baffling" situations. Like last year, I was on the bus and there was a young boy (maybe about 4) who was really upset, I didn't know why he was upset, but I really felt for him. Most NTs would feel for the parent who had to deal with it, but I felt more for the boy.

Yep....I always seem to intrude on people's space when a baby is crying. I want the baby to stop....so I might make funny faces, or even touch the baby's hand.

Sometimes, parents don't like it when you "enter their space," so to speak.

When someone is obviously distressed, it is may be more helpful to ask "What do you need?" than the more usual "Are you ok?" Asking for permissions before acting can be reassuring too: ie "Will it be ok if I sit beside you just now, or would you like me to give you some space?"

That's great advice B19! I also have problems expressing sympathy or empathy. Its as if I know when it's appropriate but have extreme difficulty figuring out the situation and what exactly my role is. But with kids I have no problem. I think I lacked receiving this as a child and therefore have a clearer picture of what I would have wanted but that doesn't translate into adult interactions. Kids are not as aware nor do they seem to judge whether what you are saying or doing is the "right" response. This is probably why I adore most little kids especially boys. I also never quite figured out female behavior as much even though I am one.

Sometimes people just want you to listen and not really say much at all. People need to feel heard. That is sometimes the best way to comfort someone is that they know that you heard them.

Being there , really being there is all important. This came last at home, which logically "should" have been first. Should was in quotes cause I'm trying hard not to should on myself. ( humor is used on myself.

Saying I don't know why to say also comes to mind.

If I feel I should ask, I'll ask: Is everything alright? If the person then wants to talk about whatever is bothering him/her, the decision is then up to him/her. I have made an open invitation without demanding any answers.

And as I have made an invitation, I also have to welcome the person I invited. That means I should then listen and be present. Just to be seen and heard for real is very comforting for most. In many cases that is also all you can do. Just to realize that someone cares for you and thus asks Is everything alright? can by itself mean alot.

In my work I've had the opportunity to meet and listen people of all kinds. I do try not to take sides or positions. But if you know the person better, then I feel it is no sin to offer new perspectives and new ways of looking at things - to have a dialogue.

You can also add hope, energy, joy and for example kindness in other people just by radiating those things yourself.

Where you can go really badly wrong, is to mess with someone's life behind their back no matter the intentions. So what you can't say or do I to I, do not do.

I'm the same. I can't stand conflict or seeing someone upset, and I instantly want to help them somehow.

Yeah, I struggle with this too. Usually, I just end up sitting next to them awkwardly while they cry if they're really upset. I don't want to hug them because I hate to be hugged and don't want to cause them more distress if they're the same way. Plus I never know what to say. In my opinion, "what do you need?" is the most helpful question if they're in serious distress (i.e. crying or having a panic attack/similar situation), and "are you ok"/"is everything alright" is the most helpful if they're just upset. Sorry for basically reiterating what everyone else said, but this is what I'd like people to say to me if I was upset.

I have the same problem, and sometimes even if I know what to say I can't bring myself to actually say it.

I have to know a person reeaaalllyyyy well to be able to comfort them. Otherwise, I just come off like a robot with a bit of an emotional response. I try to get them things like water or tissues or blurt out phrases at them. Basically I just sorta throw stuff at the person and think to myself "this is what you want, right yeah? yeah, here listen to this song I really like that or may not have anything to do with the situation. hang in there, champ. kitten dangling from a rope poster. the sky's the limit. quote the president's speech at the end of independence day. they'll love that."

Being there for caretakers who are supporting others is a tricky real thing for me.

The caretaker is my wife who is the main person for her father. (In his 90's)